MyWorldAsIChoose2LiveIt

Manic Beginning

Well it was not the Holiday weekend I expected. I spent so much time in the airport, missing connecting flights to Atlantic City and Charlotte, due to delay with the plane I was arriving on, I was quite relieved when we finally landed 9pm Sunday night. Let me start by saying..DONT FLY DURING THE HOLIDAYS!! My luggage didn't make it on the plane with me heading to NJ, due to change of airports cause I missed the only flight out to Atlantic City Wed night; so I had to wait for a couple of days to get it delivered. LONG Story...
I arrived in Philly airport at 12:35am Thanksgiving morning, much later than expected and was met by my sister & her boyfriend, Greg.. With open arms and a familiar smile, I felt relieved to have them there to pick me up! Got into my house at 2:30am and sat up with mom for an hr. Went to bed and woke up around 10am to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV and prepare for the big day. We had family I haven't seen since 2001 come to house in Lakewood and share in the BIG feast for the day. We ate smoked turkey, ham, sweet potatoes, garlic mashed, greenbean casserole, biscuits/rye bread, carrots, stuffing, gravy..pretty much the usual "Northern" dinner. It was fabulous! The nicest part of that day was my niece, Anjaneya, she is almost 4 y/o and she is amazing. I was amazed by her beauty, intelligence, quirky personality and how cute she was. So smart and advanced for her age, it is unreal what comes out of her mouth at times. She as very clingy with me and wanted to play and sit next to me at all times. She made me feel soo good all day. We sat around watching football and sharing in exciting news and what has been going on in my life in Charlotte. We really didn't discuss my pending divorce or anything but kept things light and happy. It was relieving!
Well, we ate ourselves silly and then dessert begun...a couple hours later.. We had a bunch of different pies, cookies and brownies. Everything was absolutely delicious and we feasted again! So once everyone left around 10pm, we hung out with my sister, boyfriend and my niece.
After they went home, all hell broke loose!! My mother & I got into a HUGE bitchfest and it continued for 2 hours. I told her how I felt and how it is with me & her from now on. She kept bringing up shit from my past and putting me down and I wasn't tolerating it one bit. We screamed and argued and etc...mind you, it is still Thanksgiving Day!! She was soo rude and obnoxious, I was in awe with her behavior. I was trying to be calm and direct, she automatically flew off the handle. It was very frustrating for me to listen to someone I couldn't even believe was saying some pretty rude and insensitive things to me (to my face). But afterwards we went to bed and I slept a lot better since I did get a lot off my chest.
Friday was nice, mom & I hugged and "made up". Both parents went to work & I spent half the day alone at the house, waiting for my luggage to arrive, and then my sister & greg came by and we headed up to a mall I haven't been to in 7 yrs!! So we drove in traffic up to Woodbridge and walked the mall for a couple of hours. I splurged on Anjaneya as we walked around Disney store and I was elated by her excitement and happiness w/ me there. We drove back after a few hours and when I arrived back home, my luggage was waiting for me! It took over 48 hrs for it to arrive...weird & odd occurrence! So I unpacked a bit and made some leftovers from the day before and watched TV. Parents got home around 10 and we hung out talking for a while. Went to bed early cause I was still so tired from walking mall and staying up late the night before w/ mom fighting.
Saturday, I was woken up by Anjaneya when she came into house and was just so happy to be with me again. We spent most of the morning playing princess with her polly-pocket dolls and toys she has over Nana-Judy's. We finally had some breakfast and a tea party later that morning and then got dressed to go to another mall. I returned some clothes that didn't fit and I got her some more toys to play with. She was just such a beautiful and well behaved little girl! I was just happy to spend all the time with her. When we returned home, we relaxed and then got ready to go out for a nice Italian dinner with everyone (parents, sis, greg, neya) in a nearby town. It went well and I paid for the whole dinner since it didn't cost all that much. We ate lots of food and drank some good wine and talked and were just amused by Anjaneya. She is such a riot and I loved every minute we spent together. During dinner my sister & greg asked if I wanted to spend the night over their place and I agreed. It was time to spend alone with them, much needed since the fall out yrs ago with Ben (the ex). So that evening we watched some TV, drank hot tea, had pie, talked over a lot of things going on with me and working thru issue I have going on. I felt soo welcomed and was a great start to something wonderful, it has been a rough 5 yrs with Ben being such a racist and not accepting Greg but I love Greg & know he is part of our family now too. Though they aren't married, they have a very committed relationship and plans for marriage will be sooner than later.
When I woke up Sunday, my sister & I talked a lot and slowly got ready for the drive down to Atlantic City for my flight. We got all ready, she styled my hair and I looked gorgeous. She really has a way of making me feel pretty and she gave me a new hairstyle to do everyday that is simple and classy..more professional too. Anyway, it took over 9 1/2 hrs to get home and I was very happy when David picked me up and took me home from airport on Sunday night. He is such a great guy and someone I treasure in my life. He & I plan to spend a lot of time together in the near future.

Well Monday was same as always, dragging and boring as shit. Damn I really hate my freaking job and have now given notice of 2 weeks, that is when my contract runs out with them. I offered to stay longer if needed until they found a suitable replacement but if I get something in the meantime..I'm out of there as of the 12th. Things got dramatic at work in the afternoon. Dale (this "happy/gay") guy at work got word from someone (I think I know who) that his name has been brought up outside of work when we go to Stools' . Yes, I admitted it has and yes I admitted I said some things about him, but it was common knowledge and didn't think anything of it. Well, Dale flew off the handle and caused a big fuss and wanted to know what was said and etc..I wouldn't give that info up. Besides, it was done off hours off premises. No one does or says anything about him at work and it is better left unsaid. We were drinking heavily when these things were said, and to be honest, I am not sure exactly what was said but he should just come out and be honest that HE IS GAY. He acts so differently with other people at work and w/ the girls. It is unreal how he acts..never been around someone who was soo confused. But anyway he went straight to mgmt, and they called for a meeting on Tues am with people he heard had said something about him when we're out of work. Needless to say I was appalled he went this far and had felt he was being slandered. But anyways I went home after work and went over my g/f who is going thru the separation/divorce thing also. She found out on Thanksgiving she is PREGNANT and few weeks along. It is her ex's and he wants nothing to do with her. He is insistent on being with his ex-wife and the 2 kids they have together and her other 2 from her most recent marriage. Go figure!!! Once a cheater always a Cheater. Well we had dinner and talked a lot about her moving forward in life and whether to keep this baby..I am clueless. I dont think I would be able to have an abortion, I am pro-life; but I can understand why she would think about that as a choice. This baby wasn't planned but she honestly can't afford it w/ no one would help her either. I am actually debating moving in with her so I can help her out financially as well. She is very much struggling and needs someone to help out around the house and with her daughter. I wouldn't mind and feel very close with her through this yr. She has been a good friend w/ an open mind and heart for me.
So Tuesday comes around...Raining and cold..YUCK. Went to work and Dale has refused to even talk or look at me. The meeting this morning was a quick 2 min review of the harassment policy and that was it..Nothing major for anyone. I worked my ass off as usual and got a lot done in my mind. I am anxious to move onto a better position and more $$$. I deserve a lot more than I am making and feel I am not utilizing my experience wisely. I am basically a fugging data entry person who enters contracts all day, BORING and MORE BORING.
I love being so close to work, less than 5 min drive and it is awesome..No traffic. But the job sucks and I am not happy at all. I have begun to feel the ramifications of my decisions this yr and I am becoming more & more upset with myself. I have fallen into a pattern of having no nest egg financially and IT SUCKS. I am so broke and can barely pay all the rental bills. Guess this is the life lessons Matt wanted me to learn without him in my life..WOW how funny things happen in life. I struggle every month when it is that time to pay bills. I am just not making enough to cover my expenses, but lately I have had add'l ones that aren't re-occurring ones (ie: sc ticket, license fees) almost $350 right there is gone for no reason. I need to really create a budget for my bills, expenses, food, cell (which I will be switching in 2 weeks), so I can get a better grasp of what I need to put away. I wish I had been much more thrifty when I could of been. I am not asking parents for money, it isn't wise for me to do that nor responsible. I just hate this everyday slump. I haven't even gone grocery shopping for myself in over 2 months! I rarely eat breakfast or dinner. I use what food I have sparingly in the house & only buy as I need. I can't buy myself nice clothes for work, I cant buy shoes..NOTHING. I think when my parents ask what I want for Christmas, I will tell them money. It is something I can have for me and buy myself some nice things and use my $$ for bills and etc.
Well anyway I am on my way to get the rest of my X-mas stuff from my old house so I will catch you up tomorrow on any exciting news or events..

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 1:09 PM 0 comments

WIDE EYED WEDNESDAY

WOW, I thought I had drama in my life this past year! Even after all the violence and negative behaviors in my marriage, I cannot believe what others have to bear in life too.
My g/f who is going thru a separation with her husband (but still had a sexual relationship until recently with him) has got more shit going on than I do. She has a daughter who is 7 and is really getting put thru the ringer with her husband. Her "husband" has now been seeing his ex-wife and his two kids, mind you he divorced her over 7 yrs ago and this has caused a lot of issues for my g/f. She is flipping cause the ex-wife is supposed to be staying at her husband's house for Thanksgiving & wanting to introduce their daughter to her hubby's kids & ex-wife. Yes, I know very confusing but I don't want to name names on her to keep them anonymous. My g/f is worried her daughter will get confused and not certain of what kind of response her daughter will give. I feel for my friend, ex's can be very mean and spiteful, as I have seen with mine. She came over last night right after work to talk to me about her situation and she has been crying all day. She is soo hurt by the fact her husband is wanting to be with his ex-wife again after all she had put him thru to begin with. She was led to believe there was a chance things could be worked out w/ her husband during the separation but obviously he had other plans instead. His ex-wife cheated on him and married this guy, had 2 more kids and now is divorcing him now, cause she isn't happy. This will cause problems for my g/f & her family, in the long run. My heart truly goes out to her!

I am fed up with all the bullshit with my husband also. He keep insisting I NEED to give him this last chance to make things better and I am not willing to do this. I am tired of making excuses for him, pretending to feel things I don't and just settle for someone I do not LOVE anymore. I refuse to let him pressure me into coming back. I am ready to move away and start over where he CANNOT find me and bother me. I don't care if we don't get the divorce for another year but he needs to realize I am not going to be his wife anymore. I don't want anything to do with him and just want him to leave well enough alone. He keeps calling & it is soo hard for me not to pick up the phone and start an argument. He is so angry and trying so hard to make me see HIS way in all of this. Reality is I saw everything "his" way for 8 years and NOW I am seeing it only MY way. I hope he knows I don't care what threats he makes or mean things he does, HE isn't going to make me come back. I want out once & for all.

I leave later this afternoon for NJ and I am so excited. I finished packing everything last night, it will be very cold up there, just like here. I am definitely looking forward to seeing my immediate family and extended family when I come up, like I said before, it has been about 4 years since I visited for the holidays and it will be so nice to be home again. I think the time away from Charlotte will be relaxing and non-stressful. I am anxious about seeing my beautiful niece, she is growing and changing everyday. I haven't seen her since July when Matt & I came thru for the night but it was only hours not days to spend with her. We will have all weekend to hang out and do things, shop and just spend time together. Last weekend, my dad was put into hospital for some fast heartbeats and blood not pumping into his heart correctly. I was worried but knew by Saturday he was fine and was coming home in a day. I spoke with his the last couple of days and he is feeling good and on a strict diet so he can only eat certain foods and has to start working out. It def was another wake up call for him and our family. It sure has been a rough yr for all of us and I am certainly looking forward to 2006!!
Well off I go and will try to write over the weekend but if not...HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING AND THANKS FOR READING MY BLOG...

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 9:45 AM 0 comments

Cold n' Breezy Tuesday..

WOW, it is now Tuesday afternoon and working my ass off at the wonderful world of 'Technocom'. I had a big project/report given to me this morning so I have to plugg away at it until I leave tomorrow. Hoping in the next couple of weeks, I will be out of here and moving onto to BETTER things.
I have soo much going on in my life and somethings are completely out of my hands. I am losing ground with Ben (the ex) and he is being very insistent & persistent about us getting back together. I am very adamant on my decision in what I am going to do w/ myself and have chosen to stay away and move on & he is still making stupid comments, so probably going to have to get the authorities involved once again. He just doesn't learn and he will see I am not playing around. He has informed me has obtained a gun and will do anything he needs to do to keep me from leaving him for good. Well, he has another thing coming if he thinks I am STUPID enough to stick around and see what he is capable of. He has told me I really don't know him all that well and I better think about what I am going to do with our situation. I am in process of making other plans for my living & working arrangements and hoping something will come thru sooner than I plan it to happen. I mean, it will be better for me to get out of this area, where he cannot "hunt" me down and do anything stupid either. I am just better off moving once again and starting out somewhere new I guess.
Well, Matt is now screwing his new flavor of the month, Alecia, that he met on yahoo personals. They made it official this past weekend..GOOD for him finallyy getting some action from her!! I can get it anytime I want, don't have to worry about the poison spreading!! Yea, bitter bitch I am, still!! He even wrote how the sex wasn't superb but did mention if she even has a gag reflex?? I can only imagine what he has her doing in the bed..I know what we had w/ each other and yes, I am slightly bothered that he is w/someone else, BUT I am with someone else too! I don't know why I even care what he is doing?? Maybe I was hoping things could of worked out for us and by me keeping the cell phone thing going, I would still have some connection with him...but anyway..just my weird thoughts going on in my head. She just better be aware of his "sexual poison" and protect herself. I am not impressed with the pics of her on his blog...kinda normal/plain jane looking, maybe she was just stoned or something in both the pics but she doesn't look all there...not quite what I expected from him to say the least. I just know SHE can NEVER be ME, especially in the bedroom! LOL

Things are good w/ me & Tim, we had a long conversation last night and got things out in the open as well. I am excited about next weekend though, I am staying up there from Fri after work to Sunday night, much longer than my usual stay. Plan on catching up on lost "quality" time and hang w/ his friends too. Prob go back to Natty Greens' for drinks and Hams Friday night for some drinks. I told him I wanted to go back to this store we went this past Sat where I got a great pair of jeans that I absolutely LOVE..they look fabulous on me!! And I fit into size 4's again..I am soo happy with that fact too. But I know things can only get better from here on since we opened up more to one another.
I only wish I wasn't going away to NJ this weekend but this is something I have be waiting for 2 months now and anxious to see my family. I get to spend time w/ most of family I haven't seen since my wedding back on Sept 16th 2001. So, tomorrow is the BIG day..I fly out of here at 3pm and don't get back until Sunday night..so I won't be writing much when I am up in NJ.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING...GOBBLE GOBBLE...

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 5:00 PM 0 comments

Monday..Dreary Monday

Well this weekend was even better than last!! Not exactly what I was expecting but I had lots of fun. Friday night I went up to Amos' Southend with David M (from work) for the COLD/Turkey Ball 106.5 show. It was a good event, they had 2 new bands open for them and when COLD finally made there appearance, it was a rocking show. There were a few "bar" fights during the night but we had lots of fun. As we were walking out, our ears were ringing from the loud music al night. We stopped at the Liberty East Diner for something to eat and went back to my place. David stayed over and as usual he slept on the floor of my room. I certainly do not have a bed large enough for both of us, so we make do. We snuggled and he held me in his arms for most of the night as we laid on the floor. We honestly just had fun together. I am so glad I took the initiative to talk with him when we first started at Technocom, we have created a great friendship and I don't want to lose that. He is a great guy and I only wish we were ready to be exclusive & experience how great we could of been together as a couple, but I can handle being friends w/ benefits now.

My weekend with Tim started out better than it ended up, at least I had a chance to meet some more of Tim's friends, and we all got pretty twisted Saturday night. But when I arrived we went to Inflictions Tattoo shop to get my tongue ring changed..YEA, finally one I can live with!! We stopped at mall and I of course had to buy some clothes for myself...I am losing some weight and I look good in size 4's now!! Then hung out at his place until early evening where we met at his friend, Paco's, and we started the drinking. I did my first YAGERBOMB and it was the SHIT. Then we had a bite to eat at deli and then headed downtown for playing darts and drank some more and then over to club near their place where we danced til the wee hours of morning! We crawled in the door at nearly 3:30am!!! But we had a blast and it was all well worth it! Sunday we had a lazy day, stayed in bed til 12pm and then headed to Buffalo Wild Wings for the football games and wings. We had fun but I wasn't feeling too great since we drank so much Sat night and the way he was acting with me. But we had fun, enjoyed the games & watched the last race before I left to come back to Charlotte.

Anyway, as of Dec 12th, I will no longer pay for me & Matt's cell phones!! I have been doing so for over 7 months & now the MF'r wont even call me or anything. So fugg him and his damn 2 yr contract. I am looking into other options for next month and not going to get all worried about this bill anymore. I can find something where I pay 1/2 of what I am paying now for the 2 phones and don't have to deal with him either way. He can screw himself as far as I am concerned. I am no LONGER someone who has to monetarily support his ass nor am I his sugar mama' & if he hasn't even contacted me for the sake of being a friend, well forget this. It is becoming more an money issue than anything else, damn $130/month bill. It is ridiculous for me to pay for both of our phones and WE don't even talk or anything as of end of Sept. when HE decided to break it off cause he didn't want me to wait for him to decide what he wants in his life. This bullshit isn't working for me...let's see how good he has it when his phone cuts off a couple days after bill is due. Guess his new g/f will have to help him out and then some. Yes, as you can tell I am still bitter about a lot that happened in our breakup and he has seen & heard the last from me!

But now with this new man in my life, I really like him but he has become more clingy or touchy-feely now. Granted, we've had 3 great weekends together but he is expecting more of me than I can give. I mean he knows my situation with my divorce/separation but I am not willing to be w/ him solely. Honestly, I don't like the dating scene and not into a bunch of one-nighters. I admit I do like the attention I get from Tim & how sweet/super nice he is but HE is trying to hard to make sure I'm happy, when I am happy with him. We spent yesterday fairly silent with each other because I had A LOT on my mind and was not feeling very comfortable w/ the way he was acting, but now I am more clear on how I feel and what needs to be done w/ us. I actually replied to his email from last night and explained my situation and how I truly feel and so I hope that clears up any misunderstandings and we can move forward. He has such a good heart and is giving and loves being w/ me; doesn't make fun of me nor tell me I need to lose 10-15 pounds to make him happy. I REALLY want to see what develops with us and go from there. I am already looking forward to the weekend after Thanksgiving to head back up there and have more quality time with Tim.

I have begun the search of looking for a roommate situation and applied for some jobs online this morning. Your probably thinking this is too soon but I think I need to get a fresh start. I am getting nowhere with a better job and where I am living is OK but I think I can find better. It is just where I am at now, is too close to my soon to be ex-husband and I think giving us more physical space/living distance, and not being in same area will really define what will happen over the next 6 months until we get DIVORCED. He is really driving me crazy and has even put some threats out there towards me and has made more nasty comments too. He has even been dumb enough to tell me he as a gun now...DUMBASS should of never said that to me, I can use it even more against him if I need to. This is getting to be too much for me to deal with so I am going to go and move onto bigger & hopefully better things. I haven't told anyone else of my intentions and only will share this w/ people whom I can trust and who can understand why I am doing this too.

Well it is Monday afternoon and it is raining and nasty outside. Kinda of a slow Monday but I am trying my hardest to keep busy with contracts and meter reads & trying to get thru the next couple days until I get to fly home to NJ and be with my family...long time coming!
I have to run for now but will update you all later on whats going on.

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 3:20 PM 0 comments

TGIF...

Thank God it's Friday... I can NOW relax and enjoy my weekend.
It has been a hell of a week and today I finally got all things squared away with my license. On my birthday (10/16), I got pulled over near my house for not making a complete stop, and in the process was told my license was suspended. Un-be-knownst to me, I was a bit shocked so over the last month I have been working to get all money & paperwork fixed to get my license back from NC DMV..bullshit!!!! It was all due to postal service not delivering my payment to SC for a ticket I got over a year ago when coming back from Myrtle Beach but I still needed to end up paying lots $ to get it back. So now I am LEGALLY able to drive in NC now..It is quite a relief to say the least.
As I have mentioned before, I had a boyfriend, Matt, who I lived with from April1st to July 30th. He posts a blogg under http://greymattersplatters.blogspot.com; he has mentioned me often until recently when he met a woman off yahoo personals, Alecia. They seem to be doing well, from what I read on the blog and I am truly happy for him. He deserves to be happy and I wish them the best. I just wonder if he has mentioned to her he is "H" sufferer. It is something he will have to live with for rest of his life and inform his future lovers about everytime. But he was upfront about it w/ me from beginning, which shows he has some integrity. Too bad we couldn't beat the odds and be together, but again he was more concerned about my new life without Ben and "contaminating" me in the process. I had a lot of life lessons he thought I needed to learn, and YES I have learned quite a bit since we broke up. But I am glad he cared for me nonetheless.
My time apart from Matt has been quite refreshing and has given me a renewed sense of who I really am. I am more confident in myself, working out and taking better care of myself now-a-days. If he could see me now...his loss, not mine. I know I will find someone true to his word and someone who I can trust and not through it up in my face later on. Yes, I admit, w/ Matt things moved very quickly, very soon and it only hurt us in the long run. I wasn't' t ready for a new man, so soon after leaving my husband, and I know that now. It just took me 7 months to realize it. But at least I can see it now.
Well my weekend is right in front of me and I am very excited about the COLD show tonight at Amos' in Southend and then head to G-town in the morning. Tonight after wor, our usual bunch of us are going to Stools' for some drinks and unwind from this week.
So this will be my last entry until Sunday night or Monday morning. We have plans to go out to uptown G-town Sat night to some nightclubs/bars and hang out...I can get my drink on and let loose a little.
Well off for the weekend in just a few minutes so I will go for now...Have a great weekend, I know I sure will..

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 4:45 PM 0 comments

Thank God it is Almost Friday..

Well yesterday was certainly a much better day for me!. I decided to go over to my ex's house after work and try to talk out what needs to be done to make this divorce go smoother for both of us. I am already prepared for making the move but He is not. He talked my ear off for about 2 1/2 hrs last night. He keeps saying the same things over & over and I got more irritated. I don't see myself being married to Ben any longer. Honestly, I have seen that the grass is greener on the other side. I WILL find someone who can love me unconditionally, be faithful & honest and w/ no violent tendencies as well as a criminal history! Ben promises to NOT be the man he was in the past and that he has changed. I don't see it at all, he hasn't changed much. Yes, he may smoke less pot but now he feels he can drink when he gets home to relax (screwdrivers). Again, this is his pattern, swap one addiction for another! He rationalizes it as it costs less to drink, at home! I feel like I am constantly being lied to by him and he cannot be honest with me; he has told me things in the last few months that haven't been true and it doesn't ever end with him. He is in such a black hole of debt with the house and all, he cannot see straight. He has no one to blame but himself for this one, he chose not to pay any bills for about 4 months when I first left. That included mortgage, utilities and anything else that he got in mail. Now, he is trying to pay it up to GET current, which makes it even harder on him, financially. He has borrowed money from a friend and has been paying it back weekly, which cuts into his paycheck.
That is a problem right there...he can afford to buy drugs but not pay the BILLS. I don't see how he feels I should come back to even more chaos than when I left in March. He has now said if I am wanting a divorce he can fight dirty, he has written proof of how much money I took from our joint account (wedding money and money we had to start with) and he will be able to collect on this money (totaling around $50,000). I'm bewildered by the fact he would even use that against me because the fact of the matter is...a lot of the money I "spent" we used for partying/expenses for those couple of years in our apt. How did he expect the drugs get purchased when I was out of work and he wasn't paying for them either?? We certainly didn't have a money tree to take from, so I used our bank account...only logical answer right??
But I have learned from all my mistakes, he obviously doesn't. I have hurt a lot of people with my addictions and deceiving behaviors but I am a different person than I was 8 yrs ago, even 4 years ago when we got married. He is still the same lazy loser man! He asked me last night, WHY DID YOU MARRY ME? I didn't answer him. I have been thinking about it since then and my only answer was because I thought I loved a man who was devoted, sincere & would be there for me through thick n' thin, who would stand by me when I needed him most and support me (not financially) all the days of our life together. He definitely did not stand by his vows during these 4 yrs of marriage; but I guess looking at myself, when things got bad for me in the last 1 1 /2yrs, I found my fulfillment elsewhere. Though I did have relations with 2 other men since Ben & I started having problems in 2004, it was my mistake (or maybe not a mistake) just a way to feel completely connected to someone. I don't know for a fact he cheated on me but I have doubts he has been faithful all 8 years. I think if given the opportunity, he would. Just knowing him this long, it is hard to for me to see it any other way.
I guess we all have our flaws, whether good or bad, and we can change or adapt to what is necessary. I know deep in my heart, I DO NOT LOVE my husband anymore and I don't want to share the rest of my life with him either. He has done things I could never forgive him for, for instance the miscarriage incident in '04, and to this day, I still cannot get over it. I mean I have so much resentment towards him and it keeps getting worse and worse. How can I go back to someone who I can barely stand looking at or EVEN want to share intimate moments with??? Tell me that!! He disgusts me and doesn't appeal to me in anyway; I guess with my time away from him has given me a clear view of what I want & like in someone and HE is not it.
Well..just needed to get this all off my chest...it is like a weight bearing down on me that won't let up...

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 2:30 AM 0 comments

HUMP DAY IS HERE

It was a heck of a Tuesday, I was swimming in a desk filled w/ billing issues and contracts to pull for a project I need to work on, all of this due to the fact I was out sick on Monday. I was mentally drained by day's end but decided to go to Stool's Coop for 1 drink and ended up staying for over 4 hours! I sat w/ a few guys I have seen there on a few occasions & to say the least I was pretty intoxicated before leaving, good thing I live only 1 mile away! I consumed 1 marquirita, 5 shots of Buttery Nipple, 2 Bud Selects and I called it a night. I was fine until around 2 am this am when I was throwing up in bathroom..EWWW!

Anyway, I have been feeling pretty positive about things in my life, (ie: having new friends, meeting a bunch of new people who I can always hang out with and that I am going home in a week to NJ for Thanksgiving (mom & dad bought me a plane ticket). The only problem I am dealing w/ daily is my Ex, he is being a real piece of shit. He is still not being responsible w/ bills & just hasn't a clue on how to be a grown up. He gets me so mad and I feel more & more resentful everytime we speak. He calls a lot (ok almost daily) just to see how I am doing, and to honest, I like HIM knowing I have moved on (without him), meeting people and focusing on what is going to make me happy. He hasn't figured out he needs to be responsible & live without the drugs. He now drinks daily (if he doesn't have pot) and it worries me, even though I shouldn't care, I do! But I guess this is part of his life he needs to go thru, but seems without me, he feels empty and hangs on any hope of me coming back, which I have made clear IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I spent 8 years worrying & babying him and making sure everything was "prepared" for him. I mean I did everything for this man and then if things weren't done the way he liked, he had a temper-tantrum. I felt more like a Mother than a wife! He is one and 1/2 yrs older than me but I always felt I was the mature adult. He couldn't do anything for himself and I guess it was easier doing everything for him. But more than ever, he is so unmotivated and has nothing going for him, a lot of that just from all the drugs he does & it is very frustrating.
Being on my own now for 3 1/2 months and out of the house for just about 8 months and I couldn't be happier with it! I am becoming more independent and learning how to do for myself. I have had some road-bumps along the way but I have overcome them and keeping on the right track.

I am really looking forward to my weekend. I have tickets to see COLD at Amos' Southend on Friday night and am going with David (from work). It should be a good show and I have been wanting to see them for a while! Then Saturday, I am going back up to G-town and spending rest of wknd w/ Tim. We plan to hang out with Jeff & Katie and make our hotel reservations for New Yrs weekend in Myrtle Beach. We will probably go out for dinner and drinks and watch college football at Ham's...it is fun there!
I want to open up & share so much with him, just letting him know about my past and go into this with a clear mind. I do have past issues I am still working through & feel it is only fair to him to know what he is getting into. I have a history of jumping in with both feet but this time, I refuse to do that. I don't want things to get all screwed up like they did with Matt and Ben. This ones feels different so I'm letting him take the lead on how he wants this relationship to go and I feel comfortable w/ whatever comes of it. I am feeling like he can be the one I can turn to & be comfortable opening up to him w/ all aspects of my life.
Although time will tell, as with everything in life. I am just hoping things work out for my job and keep getting better w/ Tim...
Well back to work...Talk to later..

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 2:45 PM 0 comments

Wow...What a Weekend!

Let me start by first apologizing about my first couple of blogs. I can imagine I have certainly overwhelmed you all with info from the get-go. I promise from now on, I will try to keep it much shorter. I just had a lot to say from the beginning, just needed to get lots off my chest..LOL. As you can tell I have a lot to say and a lot of issues to work out...

WELL, my weekend went very well (actually better than expected) and I am so tickled about how happy I am with Tim. I spend Friday night with my g/f Sarah & guy friend, Nathan, at Boardwalk Billies. We had a blast, I laughed so hard-I cried and just felt at ease about everything. We didn't even leave there until 2 am and I went straight home to sleep. Spent Saturday doing laundry, checking emails, packing for my weekend with Tim in G-town. I was excited and nervous, mostly because I was meeting some of his friends and we would be sharing the evening together. God only knows what is to come....
But I did have plans to hang out David from work, he is from Belmont, so I drove down there for a couple hours, drank a couple beers & watched most of the Alabama game with him. I feel soo grounded and comfortable around him. There is just something about David that gets my fire started but knowing that we work together and there is a 4 1/2 yr age difference is a big deal for me. We have kept things pretty simple and with NO Drama between us, though he has spent the night on a couple occasions and things did get hot!! Honestly, I don't know if I see us growing as relationships go. He is mature and has a great job but I am looking for someone who can relate to what I am going through with the divorce & knows what a woman needs in a relationship, and that is where i see our differences. He tells me how "hot & sexy" I am, which makes me feel great, and we have had some very deep moments recently, but I think he just says things to make things more comfortable when we are together. I feel like a teacher more than a lover with him too; I think he doesn't know what he really likes or wants in a female companion and I dont wan't to waste my time explaining everything to him.
So anyway, I headed up to Tim's place 7:30 Saturday night and got up there around 9; yes, it took me a bit to get up there, but was more relieved when Tim welcomed me at his door. He has a sweet dog, UTAH, and she was a complete spaz & super exicted to have someone new in his house. After arriving, we decided to go to Hams's Bar right across the main road. It was packed and we had a seriously great time! I ordered some food to start & a beer then did 5 shots of a Buttery Nipple. Damn I was FEELING great after all! We watched the rest of college football & talked with the many people coming to bar for drinks. I enjoyed myself thoroughly! I was not the least bit nervous or antsy, he kept saying how happy he was to have me there and the physical feelings were in full swing that night! The music they played was great and I dancing in my chair all night. Around 1am we went back to his place and got ready to "head" to bed. He has a Kalifornia King bed in his room and WOW..it was HUGE! To say the least, we shared a lot of intense/quality time together. I think it felt a bit awkward since its been a while for him but let's just say, umm our night ended on a VERY, VERY happy & gratifying note!!! I was hoping it wouldn't end but our bodies were exhausted and we were both a bit intoxicated! I woke up the next morning with his arms wrapped around my body and feeling a man's soft warm hands around me was most exhilerating to wake up to. His kisses are so soft and his touch makes my body melt in arms. We woke up early Sunday morning, like 8 am and got showered. We headed to Panera Bread for breakfast and then we took a drive thru G-town. We drove thru the city and he took time to show me some of the larger scale work he has done in the million dollar homes around area. If I didn't state, he installs home security systems, home entertainment setups and etc.. He does higher income residential homes. We ended up stopping over his friend's, Jeff & Katie, who are soo cool and hippy types, and was glad to have chance to have met them. It was there that I was invited to join Tim, as well as the couple of friends, to Myrtle Beach for the weekend of New Years Eve! I am so excited and honestly, have never done ANYTHING like that for New Yrs before. I can barley keep myself calm with all the excitement from the weekend, but it is only a month & 1/2 away til we go leave for beach.(YEA) We went back to his place and hung out for good part of early afternoon watching NFL Football. We fooled around, relaxed, drank some beers and just enjoyed one anothers company. Around 4:15 we drove back over to Ham's for some more drinks and food, deciding to stay there and continue to watching more football. Got back home about 6:30 so we would have some "quality" time before it was time for me to head home to Matthews, and he gave a wonderful hour of my life!! I was tingling and smitten the rest of the night. He is gentle and very caring on how I feel and want to be touched.
As I drove home last night, I was glowing and smiling ear to ear. The weekend I had was one of the best ones in a long time and I am certainly looking forward to next weekend. We made plans for me to come back up, early Saturday and stay thru Sunday night. I think I found someone I can really feel a connection with and I truly want to spend my time with. He is absolutely one of the most caring, sincere, laid back men I have met so far. We have mutual feelings for one another but from prior experience, I am not going to get all hyped up in the beginning, I will take things slow and not overwhelm him. I don't plan on keeping my personal ad available to view any longer, I am cancelling & deleting it permanently, because I do not see a reason to have it anymore.
Tim understands we need to take it kinda slow due to my situation of still going through separation/divorce process and he is totally willing to wait and see what will come of all of this. We talked a lot this weekend of what we want in life and we share a lot of same views and thoughts. We just agree we are having lots of fun and dont want ANY drama at this time.

So I am home today, no plan on going to my shytty job so I can apply for other positions and jobs online and thru Careerbuilder. I don't want to stay at my current position anymore and feel I can do SOOO much more with myself. Just hope something better comes along sooner than later...
Well now it is 8 PM, I am still basking in the glow from weekend, Tim called and stated he definitely missed having me laying next to him this morning. It is nice to know someone out there cares and misses me. I have to admit too, I was quite lonely last night laying in my much smaller bed (twin sz, right now) with his loving arms nowhere in sight. It is sure going to be a long week.
Tonight I hope I sleep well and dream of his sweetness!!

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 10:30 PM 2 comments

Things are Tough but...

Well things are going well, I cant complain. I have plans for David to come up tonight & spend the night because I don't like him drinking & driving. He is super sweet and someone I work with but we get along really well and yes, he is great in bed. I don't know what we have planned so I guess we will play it by ear.

Lately, I have taken time out at night & tried over & over to re-think about mistakes I have made with Matt and Ben. I honestly need to keep my head straight and figure out what is making my relationships I have fall apart so hard and quickly. Maybe it is cause I decide to sleep with these men so soon and I don't hold back, or I am so sexually aggressive, or just know exactly what I want in bed but not in life in general. I am quite confused and hoping to figure out more as each day passes. I am journaling a lot and now blogging here so maybe thru all of this I can figure out more on me and my goals for future. By the way, since I don't smoke up not nearly as often and now with a clearer mind, I am focusing on what makes me happy and where I want my life to head in the next couple of years. Although, I hate feeling so lonely but as weekend rolls around, the emptiness clears and happiness moves in. It is my time to let loose and live life, drinking and hanging with friends. I have definitely become quite a drinker in last 3 months I have been in the house. I am becoming a social drinker but I don't drink to get drunk or meet men to take home, don't get me wrong. I drink to loosen up and be more myself. I tend to be more open and honest when I have a few drinks and it make me feel more confident as well . Is there something wrong with that?
I hate the fact I am not stable in my work or personal life, this year has surely has changed a lot about me, how I look at things and how I view what is important to me. Since leaving Ben, I have become more open to speaking my mind, going after what I want, and being independent to some degree. Wishing only better things to come in the near future....
***********************************************************************************
Nov. 6th
Well it is Sunday night and the weekend was a blast, I had my fun and things definitely went as expected. I am, convinced I will see Tim (yahoo) & see a lot more of each other on the weekends. I have to admit, the distance thing will be a great thing for us, it doesn't leave me an opportunity to get too "clingy" as Matt had called it and I won't be up in Tim's business every waking minute. Having someone special in my life who is a distance away will be new for me, but I think it will definitely make "us" more cherished and appreciated when we do see one another on the weekends. He is truly a real gentleman and respectable. Someone I won't mind bringing home to parents, even though that won't happen in the near future, since they are back in NJ.
I am so glad our Panthers won again this week, its been a hell of season so far and we could go to playoffs if they keep it up. Nascar season is down to 2 last races...

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 3:40 PM 0 comments

Wild One on the Loose...

Well to continue what I started in my beginning blog, we moved into our new home in Indian Trail, NC and our life together was moving smoothly. I was still working and we partied quite a bit on weekends. We planned to start having a baby in Dec '03 and did get preggo fairly soon. I found out I was expecting in Feb 04 and it was the happiest moment of my life. I actually kinda knew I was but waited until I was almost 2 weeks late to take a test. It was positive, I took another just to make sure. I called Ben at work to tell him and HE was ecstatic. When he came home, we glowed for hours and hours and told our immediate families. It was a whirlwind of emotions, we were so excited and knowing we were starting a family gave me a sense that things could finally settle down and our lives were about to change from then on. I continued working at the office mgr job I was at for over 1 1/2 yrs and they shared in my excitement as well. Every moment I was glowing and happy beyond words, even though morning sickness was horrible. I was always nauseous! We actually had a weird winter that year. We got a cold one and it snowed later in the season as expected. One weekend we were out making snow angels in our front yard and just soo happy in love once again. We started to communicate better, but his drugging was not getting any better and he was still getting high. But I didn't let that bring me down, I was a glowing maniac, buying all kinds of baby books and etc... I started working a in home party plan called Pure Romance, and it was booming so that kept my time well spent. One weekend I ended up doing a party down in Clemson, SC toward end of March and went there excited and looking forward to a good night of fun with the ladies. One big problem, I got to the house and went to ladies room, I was bleeding! And I panicked, but didn't make a fuss and started my show as usually and allowed the women to have the time of their lives during the evening. When I was leaving I called Ben to let me know what was going on, and by then, I was over 3 hrs away from home. He was pretty stoned by that hour so he didn't have much to say to me about the fact I was bleeding, just stated he is anxiously waiting for me to come home so we can go to bed!! Well all the way home I cried and talked to my good friend, Lori, and all she kept saying is don't worry, this is normal. Normal, to me, this wasn't. I knew deep inside something was wrong and I needed to talk to my Dr. in the morning. So I arrived home & went straight to bed. Woke up the next morning and I was bleeding harder. I called my Dr and she instructed me to meet her at the hospital and she will find out what is going on. I was hysterical and upset, tried to wake Ben up but he was unresponsive. He is like a coma-to see person when he is sleeping but I let him know I was leaving for hospital, crying and worried and still he was not responding. I was so mad and aggravated cause I knew the night before he was partying by himself and I was resentful of that fact. So here I am a nervous wreck driving to hospital, I was shaking and decided to call Lori to meet me, I needed someone to be there for me since HE wasn't. He rather sleep in bed while I sat in hospital worrying if I was struggling to accept the fact I might be losing OUR baby. I hated him that morning and thought "What kind of husband is this?? Is this the life/lifestyle I wanted to raise my child in??"So after I got checked into hospital, I sat & waited and finally they called my name. They put me in a room and Lori waited there with me, consoling me and telling me not to worry. I panicked more and just couldn't shake the feeling I was miscarrying. So finally they had someone take some blood work and then take me down to ultrasound room to see what was going on. I was nervous and the nurse wasn't being too considerate, seeing that I was a emotional mess. She did the ultrasound and didn't even allow me to view the screen, Lori was standing beside me and we faintly heard a heartbeat but the nurse wouldn't say anything as to whose it was. My hopes were dwindling fast and then they moved me back to the upstairs ER room.
I was a basketcase by then, just not knowing what was going on with me & baby. Soon afterward, the Dr came in and informed me I was miscarrying and had called my O/B to come & do a D&E. Basically, the procedure was to remove anything left inside so I didn't have to experience it any further. I was pretty traumtitized by this point, I cried & cried, and feeling completely alone, since my husband wasn't there to hear the news either. I told Lori to get in touch with Ben. Everyone was calling & calling and he wasn't answering the phone at home... After an hour, his parents had to knock on bedroom window to wake his lazy ass up and let him know WHAT HAS HAPPENED. By the time I went into surgery and was in recovery, he was waiting by my side in the recovery room. As soon as I opened my eyes, he was there and I burst into tears once again. It was the hardest thing I ever had to go through in my life, I was in pain and felt soo empty and alone. His parents were there at hospital, my mom-in-law kept saying it wasn't my fault & we could try again in a few months. That was the last thing I wanted to hear at this moment. I felt horrible and was trying not to blame myself either but deep inside I knew I must of done something to lose this baby. Ben drove me home while Dave drive my car home with Lori following behind. I got home and slept pretty much a good part of afternoon. I was soo sad and depressed and my husband was just in shock and didn't have much to say. I called my boss and he said I could take the week off and take care of myself, which was a relief.
So day after day, I started feeling better but kept thinking it was my fault, I must of done something wrong during this pregnancy. It really was hard for me to deal with. Ben even said to me one day that I should go back to work, not be lazy and start making my money again. He was so rude and unconcerned about me or anything I was going through. I got very resentful and began acknowledging how HE was not the person I wanted to share my life with. He was so insensitive and uncaring toward end of week. I cried a lot and read a lot on miscarriages and had slight hope if we tried soon, I would get preggo again soon and be happy once again. So after seeing my Dr for follow up I decided we should start again after I went thru one period cycle. Two to Four months later we were trying harder than ever, and disappointed over and over. I wasn't getting pregnant and things got stressful on us. We let things go and still wasn't working. I went to my Dr and he said I was fully normal functioning; I thought maybe Ben has a problem, but he didn't want to got to any Dr. I guess it was 3-4 months after miscarriage, Ben was experiencing Erectile Dysfunction. He couldn't maintain an erection at all and it was very frustrating. I grew more & more irritated with the fact that it seemed he didn't want to try anymore and we gave up on baby-making. We planned for a huge 4th of July bash and it went off with no problems. We had a lot of people show up and things went smoothly, but deep inside I knew something was wrong w/ us and I was faking the marriage feelings. I just didn't have the security in our stability as I did before, I looked at him in disgust and had no respect for someone who couldn't put first in his life.
During mid-summer I was starting to look to other men to make me feel complete. No cheating or sleeping with them but surrounding myself with men in general. I was a guy's best friend and always had men in my life more than females anyway. I don't know how to explain it but I began to feel I was not suited to be married at this time in my life. I felt I made a big mistake marrying Ben, knowing the history we had and how he can fly off the deep end for no reason. I was very concerned about how faithful he was and worried about how quickly my feelings changed with him. We never talked much for a long time, he got high a lot and I chose not to partake in the activities. We didn't engage in ANY sexual activities for months at a time at this point. The holidays were coming soon and my feelings were changing daily. I wasn't feeling the intense comfort of his presence and felt everything was slipping away.
So, I started going out more w/ my girlfriends and that's when I met "Alex". From the start there was such a huge sexual connection with us and just being around him was a huge turn on! He made me feel things I hadn't felt in long time with my hubby. Though I was still married, I didn't wear my wedding rings and went out A LOT with "Alex". We partied and hung out w/ friends and drank quite a bit too. I was going out til all hours of night and using Pure Romance as an excuse to stay out partying with him too. I got through Christmas when I began explaining to Ben that I was not really happy and have been going out with someone on the side. I knew he would be upset but he kinda had an idea something was going on but he didn't flip out! He wanted to work things out with us. I chose not to participate in that and continued to see Alex daily. He was the young, sexy, wild and easy going man I wanted in my life. He was soo damn hot and things got hot n' heavy with us quickly. I left my husband at home on New Yrs Eve (I was pissed cause I asked him to make plans for us to go somewhere & he didn't make any at all) so I spent it with Alex & his friends down in Rock Hill and stayed out drinking and hanging in a hotel room..
It was then when I made a promise to myself that 2005 is going to be a BIG yr of Major Changes! I spent many weekends following New Yrs in hotels with Alex and we shared some deep moments together. Things simmered down in end of January when I started feeling I was wrong in "cheating & deceiving" Ben and needed to try to work things out w/ Ben. Ben was the same old Ben, he was smoking a shit load of pot and doing other stuff I would rather not mention and NOT doing a damn thing to change his ways. I worked mon-fri by this time part time due to less business with current job and was doing parties on weekends as often as I could.
So I decided to give Ben the benefit of the doubt. To my dismay, when I begged & pleaded w/ him to stop smoking and focus on our relationship, he was not happy, he panicked and even stated HE couldn't live without it. I mean he had been smoking for over 15 yrs and how could he stop!!! So I knew at that moment, he was not going to be someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am more than willing to bend and give a little but not to someone who will tell me he cant live without POT & other things. It was ridiculous...I resented him so much for all the faith I had put into our relationship and it was all quickly coming apart before me. I stayed at the house but felt we were living sep lives. We didn't talk much and when we did, it ended in him getting all angry and flipping mad. We didn't even have any intimacy, I blew him off every chance I had. He didn't ask for it and neither did I. I began telling him I was not in love w/ him and wanted to leave..I ultimately wanted to get the farthest away from him. Looking at him made me feel sick and I hated that feeling. He still didn't make any changes and ignored me more. I kept hounding him about stopping the smoking and he continued to do it daily..even at work too.
So, end of January he surprised me with a Fla trip, kinda of a last ditch effort to see if we can make this work. I agreed and we drove all the way down to Orlando. We barely talked about us, he slept most of the way and smoked the other 1/2. We got a little lost in FLA but finally found the hotel, not exactly what we expected but it was okay for a few days. We complained to mgmt about the conditions but nothing was done during out stay. I insisted he didn't bring any drugs and OF course he did. It made my trip horrible, he was a basketcase without it and I got even more resentful. He is truly a addict and he didn't want to face it one way or another. I knew HE would never change and I needed to move on. He smoked mostly at night and some when we were off driving somewhere. I tried to bite my tongue through the trip but I knew things weren't going to get any better for us with or without this trip. I was not feeling a good vibe off this whole trip and by the time we made it home, I was through w/ the marriage. I stayed in the house another month and a half to keep it cool and so I could save some money to make the plunge to move out. I knew in my heart this wasn't where I wanted to be in my life and I wasn't important enough to him, for him to stop the illegal shit he was doing daily.
So in the beg of March I met Matt thru a g/f Valerie while working at an uptown festival for St. Patty's day. We hit it off soo well and I knew something was going to come about with us. That night I planned to stay at a hotel and very happily invited him to join me. He drove me back to Valerie's to get my car and agreed to call me when he was all cleaned up and I was at hotel. We had a great night together and it was very comfortable. We talked and talked and learned a lot about each other that night. We did get intimate and it was the first time I felt I have a connection with someone on more than one level. We talked & saw one another secretly during the next couple weeks, but I knew something was stirring at home. Ben wasn't asking any questions, as to my whereabouts or anything. It was very weird, and I thought he might me up to something BUT I didn't care to ask or mention it. Ok so now we are about in Mid-March 2005; things were getting worse and every night we argued over how I was feeling and that I wanted out. One night toward end of month I was really letting into Ben about his erratic behaviors and addictions & he was sitting there trying to rationalize his drug usage and I threw my hands up and said I am out of here and that's when he went off the dead end. His past has proven he cannot deal with the truth and hearing it is over; he got violent and starting punching my arm while standing over me as if I beat the hell out of me on the couch. I was scared shitless!! I had no where to go at this point and felt trapped, since he was over me and has the strength to hurt me bad! He was so blinded by rage he didn't even realize what he was saying or doing. I was completely frightened & shocked by his ill behavior. (this was mentioned briefly in 1st post).
Luckily, for me I had a good friend, Valerie, who I met a couple months prior and gave her a call and went over to her house for the night. I was crying and anxious to finally get him out of my life. That was what made me decide to move out and move forward with restraining order and lastly the Separation paperwork filed May 3rd...and this is where I stop cause I got into this in my previous entries....FYI, I had known Matt prior to this incident while working w/ Valerie & was seeing him occasionally & we had a good friendship started and so he would be the ONE I would turn to when I had no one who could help me out either. He was a great guy, 27 y/o handsome, sexy, easy going man who turned my world upside down and around..in a good way. He was a good listener & someone I could trust with anything I needed to get off my chest. Thank God I knew some people who could help me when I needed it most!

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 10:30 PM 0 comments

Me, Myself & I...

My name is Jenny (aka 4'11)....This is all new for me but feel this is one of the best ways to get out what's been going on in my life. I encourage you to comment & offer advise if needed or urge to do so.
March 2005
I am recently separated (as of the 30th) and left my husband cause of some mean, hateful, hurtful and unloving things he did to me yr after yr! He was very abusive (emotionally, physically, verbally). It took one night of him completely losing his shit for me to pack up all my belongings and walk out the door. Upon doing so, and as part of an agreement I had with a soon to be "roommate", I filed a restraining order & legal separation as of May 3,2005.
I know in my heart, I did the right thing by choosing to leave and get a fresh start w/ my life. I know this is something I should of done years ago but I was too blind to see it, too dumb to believe or never wanted to do anything to change the situation.
So, March 28th, when I left I had no-one to really turn to, I was offered a place to stay w/ a new guy friend, Matt Jones, who asked if I would like to come move in and stay there until I get on my feet. So I accepted his offer and yes, we shared his bed every night. We started out being pretty much "fuck buddies" then it turned out to be more than that. As mentioned above, as part of me staying I had already had a restraining order on my husband but Matt & his family felt I had to have a separation agreement in place to make things a little "easier" for us to live together. So May 3rd, we were legally separated in the state of NC. I felt completely free and ready to begin a new life without him, I made the right choice and took a stand in my life for the first time by doing this. So back to my living situation, it felt like a co-habitating couple scenario all over again, I cooked/he cooked, I cleaned, I worked full time (he was out of work off & on for time I lived there. I paid his bills & split utilities w/other roommate, when Matt wasn't working, and we lived happily for some time. We spent every waking moment together and he was truly a computer geek & I was clueless, which ended up being a big turn on for me for some reason. He was a great lover, he was everything I ever dreamed about sexually & most satisfying! He made me feel things I could of only read about in books or dreamt about. He definitely knows how to please, and he had no complaints and neither did I! He had a wonderful appetite for sex, very active imagination, but needing it not as much as I did. I am a complete nympho, I admit it! I like it 24/7 and it drives me insane when someone tells me he isn't in the mood, but I happily just accepted his "no's" and didn't complain (much). We loved oral and different positions, which was exciting for me. I could keep going & going for hours with him, he was insatiable! I love being "manipulated" in bed and taken care of, he was well in-tune with my body and what made me tick behind closed doors. I thought since he made me happy that I could bare to live w/out the sex all the time and besides, I did love him..or so I thought He was soo sexy to me (yet way to skinny) and his plethora of knowledge about computers/programs and his creative/artsy ways was such a turn on. I was introduced to his group of friends and we all hit it off really well. I felt welcomed and comfortable with everything in our life. Yes, I have a lot of hang-ups over my body and all but he was accepting of me and "acted" as if I was perfect and loved everything about me. The one thing I really enjoyed was from day one we had such great communication and honesty, I told him so much about myself, things I never shared with anyone in my life and didn't feel he would judge me either. He shared alot with me and things I particularly didn't want to hear but I was interested and wanted to know all I could. I found out from the beginning, he was an "H' sufferer and I truly didn't allow that to hinder my decision to sleep with him, we were just VERY careful and made sure we timed things accordingly. He was honest & upfront about everything about the "H" and how it affects him physically, emotionally and mentally when he has outbreaks. He insisted I inform myself about it and how to prevent the spread of "H" while we were together. To this day, I am CLEAN & Disease-free!!!
He was one of the most intense lovers I have ever had and I glowed everything we made love. I was blinded my "puppy love" for him & our sex life that I didn't realize how bad things were getting with us either. I think I just found him to be perfect for me and someone I could relate to on many levels, he had this way of just saying what was on his mind at anytime and I loved that about him. I am now realizing I am doing that more often & it feels great. We spent his 4th of July birthday at a party his friends through for him and it was the most hammered I saw him. He smoked, drank and smoked at least 28 "trees" that day= his age!! It was quite amusing and it is definitely one for the books. That weekend was fun and we made the best of it.
In the middle of July (15th-19th), Matt & I drove all the way up to NJ/(Hamptons) NY for his brother's wedding and to visit my sister and to say the least, we had a lot of fun. Overall, we drank a lot more than usual and smoked some "good", and really didn't have much opportunity for sex, but it was fun anyways. We took a day trip to NYC (with his family & cousin) and had a blast, took a ton of pics of different sights and me w/ Naked Cowboy in Times Square. We shared a lot of 1 on 1 moments in the car ride up & down from NYC/NJ and back to NC and I learned more about him as he learned more about who I was. He had this tendency to make me feel I was the only one that mattered and he was always there to listen to my thoughts and problems as well.
Before arriving at the wedding, July 15th, we made a overnight stay in NJ, where he was introduced to my sister, Kristie, and her daughter, Anjaneya. We showered Neya w/ gifts I had bought over the last 6 months and she was tickled pink with excitement. We took Matt to the tax-free outlet mall where he bought a great pair of jeans at Guess and a weird shirt at Banana Republic, then off to the boardwalk on the Jersey Shore! We fed him pizza and walked the beach for a while, It was one of the best times I had had in a long time with my sister. She is truly my best friend. Her daughter is absolutely a sweetheart and growing up to be such a cutie! (only 3 1/2 yrs old now). Matt & Neya took a real liking to each other, which was such a good thing in my eyes, since she couldn't stand being around my husband at all. She was always afraid, but with Matt, she wanted him to hold her and carry her and etc...it was exhilarating for me to see him with her. So when we ended our trip and drive back to reality, that's when I started to see things got very hairy and uncomfortable with Matt & I.
I was getting a strange vibe off Matt & even our sex life was feeling a downfall , less occurrences and less spontaneity; also our communication and respect for one another was dwindling. I became more insecure, jealous of who he was spending time with and so on. He informed me sometime after our trip his ex-girlfriend was contacting him but he wasn't seeing her NOR did he want to start things back up with her. He said they broke up for a reason and so I was OK with it but deep down I feel he wasn't being truthful and I felt I was losing him day by day and my sadness deepened also within weeks.
So at the end of July, he decided it was time for me to get out on my own and live independently. But his way of telling me this was most hurtful and not the least bit nice. I was sad and hurt and feeling really pushed aside in this whole thing with Matt, and had a lot of issues with the way he handled everything with me. I always felt he could be my next Prince Charming but in the end, I found out Matt was NOT. I cannot be with someone who can say he loves me and not MEAN it. I think it is deceitful and just down right mean to do to someone. I think if he actually did love me, he wouldn't of said and done some of the things he did. But once again, you never find out the real person you are dating until you move in together. I never felt he was 100% dedicated to me and that I could be good enough for him. He ended up being no different that anyone else I had met, but he did have his moments when he bought me roses or wrote deep thought/romantic poetry about his now-questionable feelings for me. I think about this a lot and relive the moments we shared in the 4 months we lived and shared a life together. He was the 2nd man I ever lived with and it wasn't all that bad, I have to admit. BUT I sadly agreed to move out (July 29 & 30th) but knowing I would have an issue with moving right in with other people and that my financial situation wasn't stable cause of worsening job situation, I decided to move back with my ex- for a week ...BIG MISTAKE!!! I knew the moment I moved back into the house, It was WRONG. I got even more frustrated and mad at him and resented him for everything he was, within a week and 1/2 I decided to move out of the house and was fortunate to find Tiffany, who ended up being a wonderful roommate in Matthews. She had a big, beautiful home 3 bedrooms, 2 1/2 bath with open layout upstairs with pool table and she was perfect. I shacked up son after we met and I was living good!!
So now as of Aug 8th, I am now living w/ 2 wonderful, fun and successful women. We get along great, no Drama nor issues between us; I am the oldest of the house..29 y/o and then the one who owns the house is 26 and the other is 22, straight out of Catawba College. We met thru roommates.com in July and now we created a perfect living situation. Tiffany has a boyfriend and so does Marja, but we get to go out and do "girls" night out a lot and I actually enjoy having women I can bond with and live with and party. I tend to hang out more w/ the youngest one since she is home more often and loves to go out for a drink with me & my friends. She is a little less reserved and tends to be more of party girl than the other.
Since moving out of Matt's & into Tiffany's house, Matt did come by a few times, we spent some weekends together and we hooked up a couple more times. By mid-September, he was packing all his stuff and looking for his own place to live cause his parents were selling their home to move back into Matt's (grandparent's) house we shared together. Thank god I moved when I did!! He was stressed and luckily found a place to call home w/ a gay guy in Charlotte. They share a 2 bedroom apt & from what I hear, they are getting along just fine. We spoke a few times but since then, we cut it off and decided to go our separate ways. Not my choice, but then again Matt does as he WANTS and thinks of no one but himself.
On the other hand, I have to admit, I have had a lot of opportunities to "hookup" w/ men I meet at a local hang-out right up road from my place but something inside of me has kept me from doing that. I mean, in all honesty, I am STILL married legally and I personally don't want to be treated as just a piece of ass either. I do have more respect and dignity for myself than that. I mean 10 yrs ago, I would of jumped at the chance to sleep with anyone who was paying attention to me and want to be a Fuck-Buddy. I am actually more mature than that and looking for something more, but JUST not right now. I think I have honestly put myself through a lot this past year and need time to think about what direction I want my life to go in.
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I posted a Yahoo personal ad up in mid-September on a whim and got quite a bit of responses from it. As I go thru all the message I receive, there are quite a few I delete automatically but on occasion I did meet a few of guys I thought would be good candidates for dates, but ended being most disappointed and let down by their appearance or dull personalities. I was truly feeling like I was wasting my time and money up until recently.
I had another opportunity to go to Oct 15th Nascar race at LMS w/ Mike, someone I met thru Personals, it was his birthday gift to me and we had fun. To his dismay (and I was honest w/ him), I wasnt feeling a physical connection with him but to go as friends. As soon as we started walking around and getting our seats, he ended up acting like I was his g/f and was very clingy. To say the least, I wasnt too happy, but made do for the night. I had quite a time with the guys behind us, there was alot of flirting and numbers were exchanged on the sly. We talked a lot and they even bought me a drink (frozen marqurita) during the night.
**Over the last month, I have become hopeful that someone out there will be worth my time and conversation. I am sick of the bull-shit games out there, definitely not sleeping with every man who I "see" because of all the diseases that are around, and STILL wondering if I will find Mr. Right or if there is a MR RIGHT for me out there!
Recently, I got very intoxicated on Halloween weekend (Oct 29th) at a party in Weddington and ended up staying the night w/ a co-worker of mine, "Pirate Man" for namesake and it was one of the best experiences of my life. I knew it was gonna be a one time thing and we were pretty drunk but the passion and pleasure was all well worth it! He made the morning-afternoon afterward very enjoyable and I didn't feel bad about it at all. This was the first "sexual" encounter I had since Matt & I went our separate ways at the end of September, once and for all. He had issues with me seeing other men and so HE decided not even to sleep together. He refused to keep putting me at risk & wanted to have his own space. Although I was there for him, helped him move out of his place and tried to be a friend, he has refused to return my calls or even reply to messages/texts. Well I had given him plenty of chances to call or reply and now I am through...done...until I hear from him for some unforeseen reason. He has made me feel worthless and useless to him and I am not about to let that continue. He can take his "H" suffering ass and go to the next victim of his choosing and see what happens, I just know, Not too many women will be as understanding as I was all along....So long, Good bye Matt!
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Lets see, beginning of November, I had a yahoo personals friend, Tim, who I had been talking to online & on phone daily for a few weeks, come down from Greensboro, NC to meet me, yes in some way it was a blind date! We hit it off, he is very handsome (dark skin, brown hair & eyes), not too tall (5'6), great personality, goals & future ahead of him and he has been divorced 15 months now. He can definitely understand what I am presently going thru with my ex and we can relate a lot to one another. We both have a few tats, body piercings but HE is no way shape or form the stereotypical tat/piercing guy! Our day started at Concord Mills, eating lunch, talking and walking around window shopping, then off the Nascar speed-park for a go-kart session, we had a blast, then on our way back to my side of town, I decided to get my TONGUE PIERCED. He had his done a yr ago and I thought to myself, I would love to do it. So we stopped by Ink Link and had it done. It barley hurt, I was more nervous about it than I should of and before I knew it, it was over and done with. Afterwards, I took him uptown to RiRa's pub for couple of beers and I drank water, cause my tongue was soo sore! We walked around Charlotte uptown area and spent a couple hours there and chilled out, talked alot and got to know one another more & more. We then drove back to my house, he left for hotel to get showered and changed and picked me up to take me out for dinner. We had a great night, we hung out and had some dinner & drinks nearby and then came back to my place to shoot pool and chill. Around 11pm we decided to go Uptown to Coyote Ugly and get a little wild. We had more drinks and danced a bit and were entertained by the dancing bartenders on the bar...it was a FUN time. When we had our fill he drove me home and he went back to hotel. That was the first time i was so into someone from first initial meeting and didnt take advantage of having a hotel to go to!!! We talked all this week and now this weekend I am heading to Greensboro to spend the night at his place and meet his friends and get a taste of G-boro. I am actually very excited and looking forward to it, more than I can explain. Yea, and by the way, now a week later my tongue is pretty much fully functional and able to stick out my tongue completely! Not too much soreness. It is fun to play with and I am glad i did it. ************************************************************************************
Nov 1st -? Overview of Events
I have been trying for the last couple of months, being on my own, to figure out what makes me click and happy in life. I am struggling with the whole idea of being alone and I am not comfortable with it at all. I am just so used to having someone to talk to, who will ask how my day was, and give a shoulder to cry on when I am having a bad day. I admit it, I like having someone in my life 24/7 and to come home to. Who will be sincere and not take me for granted or take advantage of my goodness. I have found out I am NOT a good judge of character or can gauge how a person really feels when we are together. I am just so sick of being deceived, lied to and just feeling unhappy.
I am not happy with my job-life! It absolutely sucks and I don't see light at the end of the tunnel for a bit longer. I am stuck in a "temp" job where all I end up being is a Data Entry/Contract Biller for a business that is freaking doing "shitty" business, well they are having ALOT of financial problems and trying to fix them all the wrong ways. I mean we sell & lease office equipment to the NC & SC area to business & small companies that use Toshiba, Kyocera, and Muratec machines. It is a very boring job and the work environment is like working in a damn library! I mean I am more outgoing & people interactive than anything, I don't belong behind a desk all day entering contracts into a freaking computer!! I have much more than that to offer a growing, I stress "growing" and "profitable, company. I have extensive experience as an Office Manager and Administrative Assistant; over 13 yrs experience!! I should deserve a much more challenging & higher paying salary at this point but all I am being offered is around $12/hr...fugg that!!!
Damn, Life sure isnt easy when you live on your own and have to make do with what you have and don't have too. I have no family around to lean on and I have to admit, kinda grateful because I think if I did, I would be dependent on them. So, growing as person and defining who I am is important to me at this time in my life. I have cut ties with my ex-husband and am counting down til Spring so I can finally file for Divorce. I am anxious to move on with my life, I honestly, cannot do that until we are divorced! I have tried to just ignore him but there are certain things I think we need to discuss with him, and make sure he is taking care of until the divorce. I won't lie, we talk a lot more often than before but I think it is cause we have no one else in our lives. I mean when I lived with Matt, I spoke with him but now that I don't have anyone, we do talk. It isn't for reconciliation purposes, It is once again to explain I am not coming back and to move on. I am not asking for the house, any big furniture or even our kitty, Tigger. He has taken responsibility for her. I would of not liked to have to give her away since I don't reside any longer in our home. The main reason I moved and didn't kick his ass out was...his parents live right around the corner and I absolutely would of not been able to deal with that.
He still doesn't get it or understand anything I say to him or explain how I feel about "us", he doesn't get that I am through with everything to do w/ our marriage and sooo ready to get a new life and plan for a better future for myself. Without him, I am happier, smile more and feel better about myself. I realize all the shit he fed me for 8 years was absolute bullshit and I am worth more than I could of ever imagined. I have become a much better friend to my best friends, listen more to others opinions and allow myself to feel emotions on many levels. I fell I am breaking out of my shell and becoming the woman I truly want to be!

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Previous Years History on Me & My soon-to-be Ex-Husband

We met thru a mutual friend on night when I was 20 and he was right out of prison of 3 years for gun charges and "fell" in love with him right from the start. The feelings were mutual and we saw a lot of one another right from beginning. Everyday and night, cut work to see him and spent late nights driving around town hanging out. The reason I believe I was so in love was cause he was the "bad" boy type (had a drug & criminal history) and did drugs. Let the truth be known! On top of that, we had sex ALOT and over & over again. We spent unknown amounts of money on condoms and hotel rooms. It was wonderful, or so I thought. So we progressed into something quite serious and then I hit a downfall in my mental state..I got severely depressed and feeling of extreme loneliness and overwhelming guilt for what I was doing in my life (drugs/lying/jumping form job to job). I checked myself into a rehab in NJ and in Fla to get my life straight. In the meantime, I also found out I had an early stage of pre-cancerous cells growing in my uterus an so during the rehab time, I had the laser surgery to have them removed..after a few months, had a clean bill of health. To this day, I thank GOD I have not had an recurring cells grow back!
During the time in rehab, it is where I realized how much I was missing out on in life. I met a lot of new people, who lived clean & sober lives, and figured it is better option in life. I decided day to day to eventually be strong enough to leave my b/f who was one contributor to my addictions but then changed my mind. I let loose more than I think I should of & hooked up w/ a 2 different guys that were staying there at the "resort rehab". It was fun and naughty to me but I didn't care. I was being myself and everyone accepted me, no matter what. I had time to find the "true" me, without drugs, parents and my boyfriend. Well, needless to say in one of my outings to the beach one night, I got caught with a guy and I was told I needed to leave to rehab that weekend. Luckily my b/f (who I left in NJ) was coming to FLA for a family weekend session so when he arrived I snuck down to his hotel room ( in wee hours of am) and we fucked all night til dawn and it was great. Nothing like before, maybe cause I was SOBER, of course! Then the next day I was confronted by supervisors from rehab that I needed to leave to program cause I wasn't following rules and guidelines set for us. Once again, not following as I am told and disobeying rules and laws. So I needed to tell him the news, I needed a plane tix home from rehab..he obliged my request and we happily flew home together. Life went right back to normal when I returned, I lived with parents and we saw one another EVERYDAY and NIGHT. BUT soon, started the same old routine up with drugs and partying as usual. The complete reason that brought me down to begin with! I realize now, when things didn't feel right with us, we escaped away from reality with drugs and alcohol! Being home sucked and functioning as normal/sober woman wasn't making me happy, so I woke up one morning and decided I was MOVING out. I packed all my stuff/belonging in rubbermaid bins and garbage bags and called my b/f and he picked me up and we ended up staying in a decent hotel a mile from the beach in NJ. It is there that we/I decided to live with one another shortly afterward and that was one of my BIGGEST mistakes, I realize that now. We were not ready for the move and being in a serious monogamous relationship. We both were cheating and lying to one another, but I could look past it. When we moved into a nice apt soon after and everything appeared fine for a while until he got a job working late nights at a warehousing company, I worked during the day. Our troubled relationship and underlying issues were being put in back burner and I was resentful of his not being there for me...We worked our asses off to live for our paycheck. Damn it was so expensive to live up there! So we fought a lot and things got very heated and violent very quickly..(1st time and wasn't the last). I took it and stuck it out thinking he could change. But things got more stressful, we were living paycheck to paycheck, I hated my job, my life and ever so intervening family. But to make things "better", we partied hard (coke/x/weed) and things got even worse. I got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore (verbal & physical abuse) and so I left and went back to parents' house. I was there a week and moved back with my b/f. I have to admit it got better (slightly) and then it got worse again. He hit me til i was bruised, put me down and made me feel worthless. I was made to think no one would want me because of what I had done in my past and I eventually believed it. He had me soo low and thought I couldn't amount to anything with anyone else but him...Damn Idiot was I!!
My life has gone from comfortable/good (with parents) to ok/bearable (with b/f) to bad(arguments all the time) to worse (violent spurts/fights w/ b/f). Nothing was looking good for me. So in the heat of a ending argument, what did we do? We decided to move to Charlotte NC in Dec 1999. It was a good feeling being away from everything that caused us a lot of grief and stress and we ended up making good on promises we made to each other when we decided to leave NJ. SO time went on and we were doing ok...then I started seeing a pattern of comfortably occur, which is fine, but I was getting scared of what it could turn out to be. So I took everyday as one day at a time...I suggested counseling...he wasn't up for it....he would rather party and waste his money. He has a thing (a big problem) with speeding and it cost him quite a bit of money for him to even get his license in NJ but had no problems in NC..well not yet. That would come.. But I accepted him and he accepted me..that was all there was to it. We both had our flaws and misconceptions in life and I tried to deal the best I could. We worked and played and paid our bills, being the "responsible" adults we should be and attempted to make this work for us! Luckily we had a couple/friends that lived nearby and we spent a lot of time with them, seeing how to make "us" better by watching how they deal with each other. I am not going to lie, there are some great moments in our 8 year relationship, moments of PURE JOY and LOVE but it seems now the BAD/Hurtful ones out-way the good. We have taken a lot for granted and it ended up hurting us more than I can explain. I always felt I could never TRULY open up to him but we were hoping to get thru that and be able to share our lives together, whatever it takes right?!
************************************************************************************* SIDE NOTE: I think I had a lot of underlying issues since grade school and that I never took care of and I was paying the price then. But with all the things I put myself thru...(ie: one nighters, fuck parties, drug parties, being an escort/male companion) I never got a damn disease!! I kept myself disease-free/clean for over 29 yrs now and I am Damn proud. Alot of what i did, was not info my parents knew nor did I disclose to them willingly. My life has been chaos, drama, Disappointment and guilt. I have messed up some really good things in my life and I regret a lot of wrongs I have done. I have stolen from my parents, put my sister in a bad situation on night drinking excessively, and crashed about 4 cars while being high on something. But we all grow and learn from our mistakes, right? Well not exactly.
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So, here we are in a new state, NC, and no family to fall back on, so we struggle to make it here and decide..lets get married!! That is the sensible thing to do to make things work out...LOL I was feeling confident that life could be getting better. So we plan for 14 months a big NJ wedding and the whole she-bang! It was fun but deep inside I felt like I was settling for something I never should of.
But I went with it, followed all the excitement of being a bride to be and on Sept 16, 2001, we got married. Yes, 5 days after the 9/11 disaster and thinking back, maybe it was a sign of things to come for me in my life! But I have to admit, it was one of the happiest days of my life but thing was, I begged him NOT to get high for our wedding.To be honest, I could of used a tranquilizer, I was a basket case that day! I was a blushing, beautiful bride and I cried a lot and danced the night away, with my new "husband". But seeing him cry and be emotional was something I never seen before. He was never expressive of his feelings, ever and it made me feel this is truly what he wanted in his life, me walking beside him forever, his partner in life. And I honestly felt that day and the months following, I had possibly made a good decision sticking by him. Our honeymoon was fun, I didn't get barely any sex cause it was an all-inclusive resort and alcohol was free..so he stayed in an alcohol-induced coma(hehe) for the whole 7 days. Mostly during the day and all night. Granted, he was fun but he grew to be annoying after a couple of days, but I threw it up being a new experience and he was excited! So we did a lot of day trips and met a lot of great people, who we never kept in touch with, and bought a ton of souvenirs from mexico and all. I think I was playing a role of a truly happily married couple but there was soo much hurt inside and sadness within me, I didn't want to see what was wrong with US, why this wasn't going to be a good decision for so to be married or going to be a everlasting love. We returned and life started over as usual. Though now we were wearing wedding band and had a piece of paper stating we were legally married. I was in wedding bliss for about a 9 months to a year and then things got funny. We started partying hard and even invited a woman to join us for a "side fun time". She dealt extacy and Spec K so we had a hook up to say the least, she was so much fun and someone I really connected with on a girl on girl thing. We actually experimented sexually as it was my first time with a woman and then I was hooked..but not on her! She was laid back, party girl with a lot of friends and DRUGS but had a lot of drama, which isn't what we needed so it was very short-lived. I miss her sometimes but glad she isn't in our lives anymore, it probably would of brought us a place worse place than we were in at that time. But it was an experience to say the least.
June 2002
I know I am bouncing around but trying to give you a lot of info to work with here....
Within a few months, we decided we would buy a brand new house and settle down and start a better life. Well that was a HUGE reality check. Money was tight and we def had to cut down on a lot of unnecessary expenses.. But we were lucky and found a great neighborhood in Indian Trail and feel in love with a home to be built. It was 3 bedrooms 2 baths and a bonus room which could end up being a 4th bedroom. It was big & spacious w/a screened in large back porch and I feel in love with being in a house! It didn't take long after we moved in, things went back to being as always...smoking pot, cocaine in the house and feeling like I was loosing ground again. We never communicated much and if we did, it ended up being a huge fight and then nothing got accomplished.
Well more to come...

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 6:35 PM 0 comments