IS it Friday Yet??
Well this week has certainly been interesting and I am very much looking forward to the upcoming weekend. I am hoping David & I possibly making plans to do something fun for New Yrs but staying home w/ him, drinking and watching movies or something would be fine for me too.
I have been doing so much to help my roomie and her problem she has been having and dealing with all her drama, that I haven't' taken time for me and my friends. I'm not complaining but I seriously feel I need some more time for myself and not be at the house everyday & night. I have to start spending time with my friends and be social again. I feel I am losing myself a bit from being with her so much and taking on her problems.
I am actually going to meet a friend tonight in Pineville tonight for dinner, I am looking forward to being out & being an adult and having fun. I am supposed to go shopping tomorrow with Angel at the mall with my gift cards I got but who knows, plans with her change daily. I want to go to Stools' after work Friday and relax and have some drinks. Something I haven't done in a while either, I miss Sara & Nathan, Zack, Joe, Nat, Ghost, Shelly, Chrissy too..we always have fun together when we are out. Saturday will be a day of resting & getting ready for a night of fun/excitement & the beginning of a New Yr filled with big changes & better choices in life.
Last nt I spent @ home, hanging up pictures in my room, straightening things up/organizing my shit and balancing my checkbook. It is hard for me to do that since I don't write anything down only keep receipts for purchases, which is a start. I ended up making pasta & sauce for dinner and kept on cleaning & roomie was cleaning her room all night & doing laundry. We went to bed around 11 pm and I felt great getting up today. I slept well and know I did a lot last night that I had been putting off for weeks now.
I am dreading this weekend (during the day), I'm moving the rest of my belongings from Pineville storage unit to the Indian Trail unit so I can save some money, by having only one. I need to start putting myself on a budget and keep track of my expenses and follow it diligently. I don't have very much to pay for; cell phone which is $70/month for my plan, insurance for car which will be less than $100, and storage unit ($70). I have to change Ben's internet plan so it takes it out of his account instead of mine. Otherwise, I think that is all I need to pay monthly besides rent & utilities. It will be nice if I end up getting a better paying job and move forward.
Anyways, I hope the rest of the day goes quick, I am looking forward to possibly sharing the New Yr holidays w/ David, everyone seems to know he feels for me as I do for him. I only hope this New year will being me a lot more happiness, love and success!
WOW, ITS BEEN ALMOST A WEEK...
Well to say, this past weekend was one of the best ones I have had in a long time. Cannot believe it has taken me this long to keep you all up to date.
Friday was fairly quiet, got my nails done after work and shopped for the rest of gift. We decided to not go out to meet our friends at Stool's & we stayed in & hung out. Went to Walmart late at night to buy last minute stocking-stuffer gifts.
Saturday was relaxing, I spent most of the day doing laundry, cleaning the house and wrapping rest of gifts for everyone. Watched the day long marathon of Laguna Beach on MTV which was real nice too. At night, I attended Mass @ St. Matthews Church and I truly felt the spirit of Christmas around me. I felt so at home there and plan on attending more often that once a year. I sure did miss being around my family and sharing in the Holiday spirit, having family around is becoming more & more important to me as the years go by. Since my Dad isn't doing to well and my niece is growing up so quickly, I would rather be around them more often than so far away. I may consider moving back to NJ by the end of 2006 if nothing in Charlotte works out to be a permanent situation. Life happens to fast for me so I just don't want to miss out on my family life.
I think since this year has been quite a rough & tomulicious one for me, I need some spirituality/beliefs in my life again. I plan to start the New Yr with some big changes in me physically, mentally & spiritually. When I arrived home to Angel, I helped wrap the rest of Anna's gifts and relax with her watching TV. She had a rough week physically and was having some issues with the whole "process" done two weeks prior. She needs to just relax & be still sometimes, too much over-exerting of herself.
On Sunday,we woke up really early with her daughter, went downstairs to open all the gifts under the tree. Santa & both of us spoiled her and she was very appreciative of everything she received that morning. She was quite overwhelmed I think too. We left for her cousin's house to have breakfast buffet, where we surprised her with a 12 week old beagle, who we named, Buddy. He is soo cute, lovable and cuddly. He is fairly trained and behaves well. We returned home to hang out with new puppy and 'play" with all of her new toys. I got a big soft scarf, earrings, wallet, funky socks, keychain, & lip gloss from roommate & daughter, Mom & Dad got me some cute statues, candle set, white gold necklace & earrings, and Target & Kohl's gift cards! My sister surprised me with Victoria Secret pj's and tote with lotion& body wash. She also sent me a Gap gift card for $50 as well!! I made out pretty damn good this yr, for not even being at home!!
Later in afternoon, we all left to go to Aunt Lyn's house for dinner. A lot of her family was there and it was nice to be surrounded by such a nice family. We ate some good food & drank some wine and everyone opened more gifts and etc.. I left shortly after 7:30 to go to David's for night.
When I arrived at his place, I was welcomed with a BIG hug & kiss. It had been a couple weeks since we saw one another and I was missing his big arms around me. We hung out mostly watching some TV and talking about our weekend. We exchanged gifts and he surprised me a gift card from Victoria Secret, which was super nice for me!! I got him a Lowes' gift card so he can buy some tools and things for his new place. It was so nice to spend the night with someone who is true & honest about his feelings and gives affection openly. We relaxed on the couch til I fell asleep then headed to bed for the night. Well it ended up being the MOST incredible night of my life, filled with passion, wonderful feelings and a true connection; oh yes, and a BIG 'O'. We made love for what seemed for hours & went to bed
very satisfied. I haven't felt things so deeply with someone in a LONG time, not even this "intense" with Matt which surprises me! It feels so good to share something that great with someone who can reciprocate the feelings. We slept soundly and woke up for more love making and then headed out for breakfast. I was smiling from ear to ear as I sat across from him in the restaurant and he smiled right back. We just have such an intense connection and he told me Christmas night he LOVES me and wanted to be my "one". I can see us being something great, as stated before and now time will tell with us. I am planning to make this work out, he is someone worth making it work with!
I returned home Monday around lunch-time and hung out for a couple hours with our new pup, Buddy, and relaxed. I was quite tired and just glowing from the events of the previous day. Roomie got home early so we went out to Azteca for some lunch & then to PetSmart for some puppy supplies. We came home & I headed to Target to see if I could get some things I wanted with my gift card I got from my parents. I shopped for a couple hours and returned home to have dinner & relax.
Tuesday was quiet in the office but went by quickly as I had a lot of meter reads to enter into OMD system. Everyone was pretty much scarce in office as it being the week in between Christmas & New Yrs. I went home after work and did more laundry and straightened up my bedroom. Made some dinner and hung out, not doing a whole lot of anything. Keep my hopes up that some good plans will be in works for the New yrs evening....
Goood bye..
Good bye for now
TGIF
TODAY was a day of all kinds of weirdness.... First, I walked into office with bagels and before I can eat, was sat down by the CFO & offered a recently vacant Collections' position. I am so tickled ( I love this kind of work) and it is a little money w/a bonus program instead of what I'm making now. 2nd, at lunch I wanted to swap out my most recent phone, which was just replaced less than a month ago due to technical problems; wasn't alerting my phone of VM's, so I super deal on a great Sony Ericsson phone! And 3rd, I got to leave work early (3:30) and got all my shopping done for roomie. What a big relief, no reason to go out much tomorrow..oh damn I forgot David's gift, do that early in day...
Today was a great day and it was very exciting to say the least. I received a couple presents from people at work and now I'm more excited & looking forward to Sunday. We decided on the 12 week old beagle for her daughter and she's going to be so surprised!!! I arrived home to a large size box filled w/gifts from my parents, not knowing what they bought is cool, more surprises for Christmas!! This is ending up to be great start to the weekend and my g/f & I are going out tonight to finish her shopping and get some dinner. Well I am exhausted, will write more later during weekend. Plan to be home tomorrow for most of day...lucky me, house to myself!!!Kisses & Warm Wishes to all...Christmas is just 'round the corner, ...2 days to go!!
Thank God It's Thursday!!
Well, "jaypeejay" commented on what I had written from earlier this week, about Matt. What an opinion this person has of me, WhooHoooo, BIG FUGGING DEAL! Everyone who knows me knows I'm not a trashy "whore" and I don't live my life for men. I am down to earth, just one of the guys type of woman, and tend to have a lot of male friends, there's nothing wrong with that. I am NOT ashamed of the fact I've had a few partners since Matt & I broke up, its' not like I have to worry about spreading anything, like HE DOES. Jaypeejay, your opinions DON'T matter to me, I don't write on here to please anyone or care if you pass judgement. And, NO, I am not jealous that Matt's "sweaty & wild animalistic sex-life" with a woman, remebr he is tainted so I am glad h gets to get some action from someone he met off yahoo personals! I am not the one with a problem getting any, REMEMBER?? I am just choosing to stick it out for BETTER. And I am glad Matt & I aren't banging anymore, it was way too involved with him anyways. I know how GREAT we were in bed, no doubt or question in my mind. I don't worry about my "skills" or anything else when it comes to my sexual behaviors, I just choose not to blab it all over the Blog w/pictures. Thats its, end of story. ***To answer your question, I am not an alcoholic/have a drinking problem, but I did see a pattern by me going out after work often & a lot more during weekends but that has all come to stop as of recently. I admit that drinking does makes me more relaxed, as with a lot of people.
But who is to judge me off this blog, it is my life and I am not looking for approval from anyone except from myself and I can go to bed at night with no regrets of choices in my life. I do for me & me only.
As for the night I got hammered w/pirate man, my intentions of going home with him were NOT to GET LAID, surprised maybe, but it wasn't why I chose to stay at his place. It was unfortunate that I ended up getting sick and not enjoying myself. We are under NO obligation to have sex or hook up, there were no expectations that night either. He & I have an under-standing and we're friends, with or without sex.
So on another note, work was hectic as shit today, much more work as I was planning for the week but AT LEAST tomorrow is Friday and I will be out for 3 days!!! I am anxious to finish my week and get the rest of X-mas shopping done afterwards & then I can done with it all. As it turns out, I will probably attend the Panthers vs Dallas game on Saturday and I am excited about that too.
I am planning to spend Christmas night with David, he called today and asked for me to spend the night down at his place, so I will be w/ someone who is truly a gentleman and someone I can relate to on so many levels. We can lay together with nothing to say and we knows what each other is thinking. I am hoping we DO become exclusive because we are so happy when we are together and the connection we have is undeniable. He's sexy, handsome (not superficial), smart, hardworking and family orientated, which is also important to me. We have had a lot of good time in the last couple of months we been seeing one another and only hope this gets better and better over time...we have such potential to be GREAT together.
Well tata for now...need to get some stuff down here at house before roomie gets home, Sleep well...
Wednesday
WOW, it is officially 1 week since I have been freed of the ties w/ Matt (& that damn cingular bill) and what a feeling of freedom and less financial stress!! I have signed on with a new plan and not truly happy with it. I might start looking for a diff carrier after the New Yr, I think I will go with Verizon, they are much more reliable & better phone service. Cingular absolutely SUCKS and now my VM won't alert me I have a message, Oh well!! Such is life, right?
So tonight will be the first night in the new place with no one around. I plan on making myself some dinner & setting up Yahoo messenger and connect with some friends. Still trying to get situated in my room w/ all the stuff I have and finding a place to put it all! I plan to relax and do some catch up time for me, before the big weekend. I have a few more gifts to buy, roomie and David, that will do it w/ shopping. Friday after work will be my last shopping day, cause I refuse to embark out there on the Eve!!!
This week has been flying by and I am really looking forward to spending the weekend getting more settled in house. David called last night & depending on how he feels (he has been sick since he returned from SC on Sunday), I will spend Christmas night at his place. I really like when I hear from him and know he misses our time together. He is one of the first men I know & see that I don't call 24/7 or expect to hear from him daily. We take it day by day and if he calls great, if not I don't chase him down either. It will be 2 weeks since we spent time together (and I am OK with it!) and I really need some "R & R" this weekend.
As Christmas draws closer (4 days) and panicked shoppers fill up shopping centers & streets, I am glad I am not one of them, NOW. On friday, I will be! I feel like a little kid, who can't wait for Santa's arrival on Christmas Eve. Very excited about Christmas morning, tearing paper & bows off presents, listening to music & just being with close friends who are like family.
To my dismay, I won't be up in NJ for the Holiday, but I plan on heading up to NJ to visit w/ my family sometime in mid-January. It is really more for my Dad & how he needs to see me again, since his health is failing. I will speak w/ my manager after New Yrs and see when I can take a long weekend to NJ...
Still Monday..
Well just need to say something..that guy Matt has really got to be sick in the head. He has this need to put his WHOLE sex life on his blog, as if anyone really gives a flying shit how great a BJ he gets from Alecia??!! I mean come on, lets' be realistic. If he feels he needs to have her name & face all over it & people anywhere can read it...Great for him. Guess it makes him feel good, like he is accomplishing something in life.
It is disgusting and just not my style to enjoy reading something like that.. they say "curiosity killed the cat"!
I saw two comments on his blog from a "jaypeejay", whomever that is, this person truly has no idea who they are speaking to when commenting about me on his blog. If this person really has to say something to me,
do it on my blog thru comments, not thru Matt's. It is bullshit and unnecessary. This person seems to think I beg for attention from men instead of getting it for myself...whatever..think as you may, but as you stated YOU DON'T KNOW ME or ANYTHING ABOUT ME. Leave well enough alone! AND Yes, I do
know the difference between love and infatuation, I am certain Matt has NO idea what the difference is, he feels obligated to say he loves xxx, when the other person says it, he "loves" someone when she is "taking" care of him/giving him the attention he CRAVES, I know, I lived and dealt w/his shit too!!
Once again, if you care to read Matt's blog and get the newest info on his "new" /sex life,
http://greymattersplatters.blogspot.com Hope whoever reads it likes it, it is quite amusing at best!!!
Well tata for now..I am leaving work and heading home for a great dinner with the family..Bye
Moo Moo Monday
Well, this weekend was quite a laid back for me; I didn't party hard w/ friends til wee hours of morning & Today, I feel pretty rested!
Friday night began @ Stool Pigeon's after work, then met friends & went to Graduate off 74 for dinner & drinks. We hung out there til 11:00pm and I drove them home. I got a call from a g/f so I met her at Stool's for couple drinks & hung out for a while there. As I walked in, a bunch of guys were trying to get my attention and we started talking and shot pool; I was home by 12:30am.
Saturday morning, I forced myself to replace the 2 front tires for my car, VERY MUCH NEEDED. I had a flat tire this past week & it wasn't worth fixing at all. So there went $140.00 Then went shopping w/ roomie for a puppy for her daughter, it is tough cause they are all soo cute but honestly, they will end up being LARGE dogs so we didn't get one this weekend. I think we will end up getting a baby beagle her cousin has, her dog had puppies so it is free and available for the upcoming weekend. We hung out most of Saturday by ourselves, shopping for Anna. Had some lunch and relaxed. That night I attended the company Christmas Party @ Southend Design Center of Charlotte. It was a really nice evening of food, drinks, dancing and entertainment. I went alone and it was so much fun, they gave away lots of door prizes but I didn't win anything. Had a good time and glad I attended, went straight home right afterwards. **I was VERY concerned for roomiel, she was going through a lot Sat. night, she had the preg. taken care of and was going to be in a lot of pain/cramping. So, I figured I'd be home early and be there for her. Good thing, cause at 6 am Sunday morning, she was calling for me to help her, she was bleeding heavily & passed out on her bathroom floor, ear ringing loudly and dizzy/dehydrated feeling. It was quite scary and I am glad I was there for her! I got her back to bed and she took it easy for most of Sunday. Later in afternoon, we took her daughter to a birthday party and we both finished our shopping for her daughter. We went to Stool Pigeon's for some dinner and then headed home once we got her daughter from party.
We sat around watching some TLC ("What NOT to Wear") marathon and when little one was asleep, we wrapped most of gifts we had bought her. I am more excited about seeing her excitement on Christmas morning and how happy she will be w/what we bought!! I love this time of year when kids are appreciative of what they get and how much they are surprised! Went to bed early and here I am at work, about 10:00 am and I am ready for Friday to get here now!
I am dreading this week, I think it will be so quiet and not much work to do since it is Christmas week. I hope it flies by quickly and get more excited as the week continues. We plan to spend Christmas Eve by ourselves while little one @ her daddy's and then spend most of Christmas w/ Angel's family. I am hoping to drive down to David's house in the early evening and spend the night there. I'll have to watch her daughter on Monday so she can work all day and then next week take her to see the Radio City Christmas Spectacular one night..It should be pretty good, I saw it in NYC when I lived in NJ years ago.
Well goodbye for now..will prob write more later as I head to bed
Wish Washy Wednesday
Well, Wednesday has come & pretty much gone and WOW..what a day!
As of this afternoon, I am NO longer connected in anyway, shape or form w/ Matt and that DAMN cell phone bill. We had a text message war early in the day about our deal and I told him to cancel if he chooses, I am not paying for his 1/2 any longer. I have been doing this since I moved in April and continued to do so even after we "broke" up and haven't spoken for the last 3 1/2 months. I am no longer his "slave" to the cell-bill. He tried to say him having a g/f had nothing to do with it, but why does he FEEL I should pay for something I am not using?? There is $75 balance from dec bill which he will have to cover as well. Good riddens, HONESTLY!!! He has disconnected my line and I am SOO relieved. Just too damn bad I had paid $60.00 this morning! Should of waited for sure this time but OH WELL. I am feeling like a big monkey has been lifted off my back and I am moving on & not having any ties to him any longer is a great feeling. As he states on his blog this afternoon, Free Finally Free!!! A chance to move on and cut all ties, closure for us both. I smile at the fact of what he will be paying for my cancellation but screw him & his "poisoned" ass! I don't care and can only laugh at his lame ass.
So, moving on, I am officially moved into new place and Yes, I slept so well last night as it was the 1st night in the house. Today at work went so well and I got a lot accomplished w/ contracts and cleaning up the old database to match the new one. Everyone at work is so happy I have decided to stay as a "lifer" of Technocom and I am happy with my decision. It ends up being a good company to work for, the opportunity to grow and learn more is right in my hands, once they get some stuff worked out. We have our Christmas Party Saturday at someplace I never heard of but I am going, alone. Yes, Jenny will be attending a party by herself and I am OK with it. Things with Clark fizzled before they got out of hand, LONG story but I am happy I have decided to stay away. He was way different the other night and I bolted (like a bat out of hell in other words). He made me feel really uncomfortable and as if I was pretty much being raped!! Yes, I said raped. He was being way to aggressive and harsh with me and refused to listen to me saying No & Stop. Well I guess I had to learn the hard way w/ this one, but now I know to be less trusting and open with everyone I meet..not everyone can handle or be like me. But he can be assured I wont' return any of his calls nor do I want to see him again. Times like this, are when I am grateful I have good friends to hang out with and relate to on another level. I have many friends I can give a call and hang out anytime. They make me feel good about me and we always have a great time anywhere we go & whatever we do. Sean, previously mentioned, was very welcoming in letting me stay at his place after this all went down w/ Clark and I am very grateful!!! He is sincere and a fellow Jersey-ian, from the same area and share the same H.S.. He does look familiar but we haven't figured it out yet. He works in construction & we usually hang out Fri. nights at Stools' after work and end up having LOTS of drinks, and share good times & many laughs. I would really like to see David this weekend but he is closing on his condo tomorrow and friday, heading out to Charleston for wknd for an "early" X-mas holiday w/ his sister & family. But I know next weekend we will see a lot of one another and we can have our quality time to spend together. P.S. I miss him more & more as the days pass that we don't see/talk to one another. But then he will call just to see how I am doing, let me know he is missing me, which makes me believe he truly cares for me and I am special to him. I have butterflies when I am w/ him and just get that warm feeling when he holds me and kisses me softly when we are together. He is manly and built like a fighter. Ex-football star in HS & College, he sure does have the looks and ways about him!! Angel thinks he & I should date seriously and see where it goes from there. I know he is loyal, sexy/cute, satisfying on many levels & just knows how to make me happy. That is what makes me feel so much for him, the way he treats me and respects me. He has a good upbringing, is educated and has a lot to offer to a woman like me. He understands I am going thru a lot this year but HE has stuck by and been patient with me too.
Anyway, tomorrow is a new day and I am looking forward to getting more accomplished. I hope we get some kind of precipitation so I won't have to go to work early..kinda hang out here and be lazy for a little longer. But we will see and I will keep ya posted on what else happens in my life...Hope you all enjoy reading my life story as it occurs everyday or by the week...I thank you!
GOOD NIGHT :0)~~~
HO..HO..HO
Well it is now 12 days til Christmas and I am all moved into my new "home". I haven't started shopping for anyone, but again I don't have anyone to shop for as of yet. I think I might get David some tools and laser stuff for his condo and I think he will be getting me something but we really haven't spoke about it much. I am kinda glad I don't have the pressure to buy my family much this year, they know I am pretty broke and short on any extra cash right now but I do plan on sending my niece some nice toys for her Christmas morning.
I hate not having someone in my life so special and just important to me. My ex is totally not anyone I even want to consider having around. he still says he wants me back fro Christmas...NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! He is such a loser and I don't love him any longer.
I only hope someone will walk into my life and sweep me off my feet; make me feel loved and appreciated for who I am and go from there. I want someone who will make me feel so important and devoted to, someone I can say, this was well worth the wait & anguish I have been through this year. I want respect and love..Unconditionally. I am not settling for 2nd best or convenience..never again. I know I have spoken a lot about David and he is potentially the only one who can do this. He is young but very mature and damn, we have great chemistry together. He has a touch to make my body feel things I haven't felt in a long time and gets me thinking we could be something wonderful if we make the effort. I usually spend the night on a weekend at his place and it is so hard to leave, knowing we will be apart. But such is life! I guess I can only wait & wonder to see what will come of this and who knows, maybe Mr. Right is right in front of me??
Well I am off to do some late night shopping w/ A*** and very excited as well...I know her daughter will have a wonderful Christmas with us and that makes me happy.
Happy shopping....Good night
Happy Happy Day...
Well it is Tuesday, once again! Today is my official move-in day into new roomie's house. I have pretty much most of my personal things there but as of 3pm today, I will be officially moved in. I have all my clothes to bring over and the little things I used until this morning to still pack up. I plan to get things sorted thru by the weekend and getting more used to calling it "home". Something has been weighing on my mind lately, how much my life has been so topsy-turvy since I moved out of my house w/ husband. I have definitely lived differently the last few months! I am happy this year is almost over & I can begin a new journey in the New Year. My roomie & I are planning to go out & DO something fun for New Years' Eve...who knows...nothing is definite yet.
Today has been quite busy at work and I am looking forward to leaving shortly as well. I am a bit tired but anxious to start my Christmas shopping tonight as we shop for roomie's daughter and relatives. I was asked to join her family for the holidays and I am unsure of what I actually will do. I want to share in their happy moments but also want to spend sometime with David (from work). David told me I am more than welcome to spend the weekend there but I would rather go down there Christmas late afternoon & spend the night. I want to be home when lil one wakes up on Christmas morning to lots of gifts under the tree...and her surprise and excitement!
Well it is almost time for me to get a move on and make my last two carloads of back & forth unloading to do today and then I will be ALL done finally. Only took me 3 days to get everything moved out this time. I am quite excited and certainly looking forward to having a good friend around more often and someone I can relate to on a daily basis...
Good bye & I will try to write later on tomorrow on what's going on..Happy Holidays!!
Mundane Monday
Don't know what happened but I wrote the blogg yesterday but it has Tuesday date..go figure!
My day has been pretty boring, on top of everything I am going thru, I have come down w/ a head cold and not feeling too well. I did get thru the weekend and my "hopefully" LAST move I will make for a long time. I am tired and sore all over.
I'm kinda of feeling like I am coming across as having a lot of men jumping in and out of my bed, and IT isn't the case. I have met & dated quite a few guys lately and hope you all don't get the wrong idea. I am a good woman, I don't cheat nor do I have one-nighters with different men every night/weekend. I had my "wild" fun in the past and not looking for that in my life, now. Yes, I have had a couple partners lately, but they weren't complete strangers or men I won't ever see again! We have an understanding and things aren't assumed. They are pretty much "friends w/ benefits". But if things work out, as I hope with David, this wont' be an issue at all. I tend to have more guy-friends than girlfriends, but I am having fun and living the way I want to live. No more love at first sight shit for me, I am done with that! I have been burned once too many times (w/matt for example) and I am not going thru that again. Yes, I may get "head over heels" or very excited when I meet someone new, but isn't that normal? Doesn't everyone enjoy having attention and someone who is sincere and cares for you?? I tend to be an exciteable woman but I won't say I love you until I truly/deeply feel it...that will be my BIGGEST CHANGE!
I mean, I chose to be with one man for over 8 years and I was faithful! I never once thought for a minute we would get a divorce. Then again, I never thought he would hit me again or turn out to be such a piece of shit for a husband. I was up-front, honest and truly faithful all thru the marriage & expected the same in return. I regret giving up so much of my life to someone who was not the ONE for me, but we all learn from our mistakes.
I have had a chance to meet some wonderful people since I moved out of Matt's house and into a new independent world on my own. I don't rely on anyone and I am making choices that I have to live with daily.
Well good bye for now..off to a g/f's to eat dinner and spend time getting more things over there!
Splinting Sunday 12/11/05
Well Sunday is here and pretty much moving as slowly as possible. My week was hell and I was so glad when Friday came. Someone I had met over a week ago, called me this past Wednesday to have dinner at his place and I accepted. Funny thing was, I ended up staying over til 7am Thursday morning. We had a great night together, and drank some bottles of wine and ate a delicious pork tenderloin dinner. My nickname for him is "Clark Kent" and believe me..he is a SUPERMAN!! I am astonished how deep conversations we can have, how open he is about his life, and how gentle someone his size can be when needed. I am feeling like I am on cloud nine since Wednesday night and by Friday night, took the plunge to ask him to attend Christmas party with me this weekend (17th). We spent a lot of this week talking and friday night I went over there w/ 2 bottles of Sharaz & Michelob Amber Bock as well. We hung out for most of evening watching some Bloopers shows and American Pie Two. It is great how we really have a similar taste in comedy and we can laugh at the small things that don't matter. Just being around him make me feel good. He understands how I am still figuring out who I am and what direction I will take in all of this chaos in my life.
He was willing to help me move but I woke up way early Saturday morning and moved most of my things out at 9am. So by the time I was done bringing shit to my storage unit, he was just waking up. With Clark, it isn't all about the sex. We can be normal adults without all the sexual pressure, even though I think about it ALL the time with him. He is massive, more man than MATT or BEN could of ever been for me. He is strong physically and strong minded, not a really goal orientated but he is driven to live life, as I do. He is worldly and knows how to think straight. No drugs but loves a good bottle of wine at night. He loves to cook, he cooks dinner for me everytime i visit. He is handsome and damn...those eyes ~ Makes my heart melt everytime I look into them.
Well the whole day Saturday I spend moving LOTS of shit out of the house and David (from work) came by to help load items to go to new roommate's house for the move. We dropped off boxes of Christmas stuff, clothes, shoes, cd's/stand, all things I won't use until I'm moved into her place. I am relieved, things should be better for me over there. She needs the help and I am there as a good friend to do as I can to assist. Her daughter is happy with me moving in as well and that is a relief. After moving David & I went to Stools for drinks/dinner. We had a good time. Some of my g/f's showed up and Sean, also from NJ. Sean is sweet, has tatoos/piercing, skinny body and fairly quiet. Clark is the opposite..he is funny, slightly obnoxious and someone who likes to talk. He has a couple tats but no piercings. He actually thinks my piercings are pretty hot and my tongue ring...WELL I CAN WORK IT like no other!
So anyway, David & I hung out at Stools for a while, roomie stopped by for some dinner and Sara too. We hung out a bit, David left and I soon followed. I decided to stay down near David since NO ONE was going to be home at my place in Matthews so off I went..David's place is nice. He lives alone and keeps a clean condo. We hung out watching the Heisman Trophy Award Show and some Westpoint Movie afterward. I fell asleep in his lap and then we headed to bed. I never sleep as good as I do when I am over his place. His bed is so comfortable, warm and having a big man next to me, who can hold me in his arms for hours, helps I guess. We woke up this morning much more rested and I soon left to come back to Matthews to continue getting things together for move.
I have nothing but essentials now waiting to be moved and I am looking forward to be out of here by Wednesday after work. I am anxious to know how things are going to turn out for me, moving and with these men in my life. I am seeing a lot of men ( AND not sleeping with all of them either!!) and this is truly what I want to be doing right now. I never want to settle for 2nd best nor do I want to be in a relationship strictly based on SEX. I am going to keep a positive outlook on all things and keep myself protected when necessary.
FYI: I am sure getting a lot of shit from everyone lately and wondering when it will all end. My parents are pressuring me to visit for X-mas but that means more time off whatever job I have at end of month and etc.. Not really wanting to go back up there for the reason of my mom & I had a HUGE blow out on Thanksgiving night and she really didn't have many nice things to say to me. So I have def put some space in between our calls & how MUCH I tell her nowadays.
I been thinking a lot about Matt and I. He really has been on my mind lately and I do occasionally check his blogg for details on his life, but no calls or text messages. I sure do miss him and his warm embraces & soft kisses every night. He was someone very special to me and he really & truly broke my heart. I didn't care about his disease and possibility of catching it, he was the one I thought would be there for me, forever. Things just felt so right from the beginning and even in the end, when all was said & done, I would have been with him. Well...things happen for a reason and time will tell how my life will turn out. I always hope for the best and expect the worst..so WHATS NEXT for me?
Although I have close friends, why do I still feel so alone? This is going to be the first X-mas in 8 yrs I have not a husband or a special someone to share it with, kinda of depressing and lonesome for me, for once in my life. I guess this is what I am supposed to experience eventually in my life.
Super Sunday...
Well, this weekend was full of ups & downs, so far. Friday night, when I first arrived at Stools, I accidentally dropped my cell in the toilet, boy was I upset! The only thing now is the damn phone won't allow me to place phone calls but I can receive! Well, I spent Friday night drinking up a storm with all my co-workers and ended up at "pirate man's" apt for the night. NO, we didn't fuck, believe me I was too damn drunk and sick to even do anything! I spent most of my time in his bathroom, throwing up, passing out and being sick. I felt soo bad, he was pretty drunk himself but he was trying so hard to make me comfortable and start feeling good. I finally made it to his bed around 1:30am and passed out while he was rubbing my back and trying to stop me from shaking. I had never been so messed up in my life but "pirate man" sure made me feel like it was ok and not to be embarrassed.
Well, when I finally made it home at 6am, I was met by Tiffany (roomie) and was informed we will need to talk when she comes back from the mountains. OK, well alright then! So I went to bed and slept for a couple more hours before heading to Techno-confusion for a few hrs to work on a report that needs some MAJOR work. Tiff told me I had an email, so when I had chance, I checked it out. Well, as of Dec 15th,I will no longer be staying at our house, cause of the issue with rent & my job. You see, I can barely pay my bills as it is and I am not extremely happy at her house. We mutually agreed it is wise for me to move out and move onto something new. Luckily for me, my g/f will be needing a ROOMIE, so I will move into her place within 2 weeks. Granted, I will not have ALL the freedom I had living with Tiff but at least rent will be a lot cheaper and less of a stressful lifestyle. I am pretty bummed w/ the whole situation but I think things happen for a reason and its all good! So, I stayed at work until 2pm and then headed to Cingular to see what could be done to make it my cell work again. Afterward, I headed to Ben's house to pick up the last of my luggage and Nascar stuff for my driver. Afterward, I went to Angel's to hang out, talk about my move there and then we went to Target. I shopped with her for ornaments, and went home.
I waited for David (from work) to call and we made plans to hang-out & for me to stay the night. I arrived at his place around 9pm and was happy to be him. He is soo warm, fun, affectionate and gives the sense he really is into me and not only for the BOOTY. We watched some football and then made our way to the bedroom for the evening. When his arms arms are wrapped around me, I am comfortable. I am completely taken away by how someone who has seen me naked, still can call me sexy. I don't think I am, cute maybe but not sexy. I used to think I was but Matt kinda fucked that up for me. By telling me how I need to lose weight and tone up. Granted everyone could use toning and shit, but geez. But with David, I can feel comfortable and love my body for what it is. He is gentle & sensitive with me, not just screw my brains out. We went to sleep around 1am in each others arms and I had a feeling of being safe and cared for.
I feel so unsure of what is to come for me but knowing there is someone here who sincerely cares for me and wants things to go well is, David. Last night, he said If I am in a bind & things don't work out w/ my move in w/new situation, I am more than welcome to stay with him but again..it will be very "weird" living with another man again. I still need my freedom and space to figure everything out BUT being with David, makes the uncertainty/depression all go away.
So, today is Sunday, I am here at David's condo, waiting happily for him to return home from gym and anxious to watch the Panthers kick some Falcon butt!!! We will hang out this afternoon, watch football, drink some beers and relax. No pressure at anytime with David and he is just the one I am mostly able to feel I can be me..no more or less.
Tomorrow is a new day and the start to getting things begun for my move, have to obtain a new storage unit near where I will live in tha Trail. Things will be very hectic for me in the next couple of weeks, but thank god for friends who are always there when you need them.
Well I am going for now...Football to start soon and want to freshen up for the afternoon...bye
Thriving Thursday
Boy, this has been a week from hell..but that all came to an end last night. I met someone, Aaron, and he literally swept me off my feet. He is 27 and 6'3. He is athletic and basically a "starving artist", as he calls it. I would of never met him if it wasn't for Nathan, a friend I met thru Sarah, another g/f I see on weekends. Anyway we decided to meet at Stools at 9pm to have some drinks and hang out. Aaron ended up meeting us there and it was immediate physical chemistry. I really think we had a good connection and we exchanged phone #'s as well. We played a couple games of pool and listened to the drunken idiots sing Karaoke. It was a first time thing at Stool's and it was hilarious to say the least. During the night there was alot of flirting going on and he cop'd a feel of my ass a few times for good luck, which was a lucky thing for him..
We talked alot and drank a few while getting to know one another. I decided to leave at 12:30, since I get up at 7 and work today. I slept ok, I had some very strange dreams and kept waking up every 2 hrs and go right back into the dream sequence. I don't know what was going on but when I woke up I felt very rested and ready to face another day at Technocom..confusion.
As I walked into the office, I saw the new lady had started and was going to be training with Lisa, a co-worker of mine on contract billing. It was a relief to see that they are preparing for my departure as of Dec 12th. I just hope something good comes along soon so I can get prepared for a new job as well.
This Christmas will be one of the hardest ones I think I will have to deal with. The thought of not having someone "special" in my life and just not having money to buy things for the ones I love, really sucks. Rent & bills come first if I am going to make this arrangement work for me. I do not plan on going back home for Christmas, it is really not a smart thing for me to do. I cannot afford to buy anyone presents, especially if I want to get my
wedding set back from loan this month too. That will be hard to part with if I cannot get the money thru work.
But anyway, my life is slowly coming back around and things are starting to seem clear. Ben & I have had it out once & for all and now that I have EVERYTHING out of the house I need or want, I am free of him!!! He called me a piece of shit last night because I said to remove the wedding band on your finger, I am not coming back. You might as well just forget about that ever happening. It made me feel bad I had to be so blunt but it is the only way to be with him now. He is still hoping something he says or does will change my mind; well he should know ONCE I make up my mind to do something, I do it and stick to it. He isn't the right man for me and I could not see myself going back to someone I don't love & respect.
Well, tomorrow is Friday and I don't really have any plans as of yet. Tim from Greensboro expects me to come visit but I think I am not going to plan on going up at all. I am losing interest quickly in him, not that he did anything, but I think he wants things to happen too soon that I am not ready for. I am just not feeling it anymore, something about the weekend I was there before Thanksgiving, changed my mind on somethings. I really want to stay in town and decorate the house for Christmas with Tiffany, maybe catch up w/ David from work to watch some college football on Saturday. Things happen when they are supposed to..I know.
Well good night, gonna go continue my job search online and finish laundry...
