MyWorldAsIChoose2LiveIt

Thank God it is Almost Friday..

Well yesterday was certainly a much better day for me!. I decided to go over to my ex's house after work and try to talk out what needs to be done to make this divorce go smoother for both of us. I am already prepared for making the move but He is not. He talked my ear off for about 2 1/2 hrs last night. He keeps saying the same things over & over and I got more irritated. I don't see myself being married to Ben any longer. Honestly, I have seen that the grass is greener on the other side. I WILL find someone who can love me unconditionally, be faithful & honest and w/ no violent tendencies as well as a criminal history! Ben promises to NOT be the man he was in the past and that he has changed. I don't see it at all, he hasn't changed much. Yes, he may smoke less pot but now he feels he can drink when he gets home to relax (screwdrivers). Again, this is his pattern, swap one addiction for another! He rationalizes it as it costs less to drink, at home! I feel like I am constantly being lied to by him and he cannot be honest with me; he has told me things in the last few months that haven't been true and it doesn't ever end with him. He is in such a black hole of debt with the house and all, he cannot see straight. He has no one to blame but himself for this one, he chose not to pay any bills for about 4 months when I first left. That included mortgage, utilities and anything else that he got in mail. Now, he is trying to pay it up to GET current, which makes it even harder on him, financially. He has borrowed money from a friend and has been paying it back weekly, which cuts into his paycheck.
That is a problem right there...he can afford to buy drugs but not pay the BILLS. I don't see how he feels I should come back to even more chaos than when I left in March. He has now said if I am wanting a divorce he can fight dirty, he has written proof of how much money I took from our joint account (wedding money and money we had to start with) and he will be able to collect on this money (totaling around $50,000). I'm bewildered by the fact he would even use that against me because the fact of the matter is...a lot of the money I "spent" we used for partying/expenses for those couple of years in our apt. How did he expect the drugs get purchased when I was out of work and he wasn't paying for them either?? We certainly didn't have a money tree to take from, so I used our bank account...only logical answer right??
But I have learned from all my mistakes, he obviously doesn't. I have hurt a lot of people with my addictions and deceiving behaviors but I am a different person than I was 8 yrs ago, even 4 years ago when we got married. He is still the same lazy loser man! He asked me last night, WHY DID YOU MARRY ME? I didn't answer him. I have been thinking about it since then and my only answer was because I thought I loved a man who was devoted, sincere & would be there for me through thick n' thin, who would stand by me when I needed him most and support me (not financially) all the days of our life together. He definitely did not stand by his vows during these 4 yrs of marriage; but I guess looking at myself, when things got bad for me in the last 1 1 /2yrs, I found my fulfillment elsewhere. Though I did have relations with 2 other men since Ben & I started having problems in 2004, it was my mistake (or maybe not a mistake) just a way to feel completely connected to someone. I don't know for a fact he cheated on me but I have doubts he has been faithful all 8 years. I think if given the opportunity, he would. Just knowing him this long, it is hard to for me to see it any other way.
I guess we all have our flaws, whether good or bad, and we can change or adapt to what is necessary. I know deep in my heart, I DO NOT LOVE my husband anymore and I don't want to share the rest of my life with him either. He has done things I could never forgive him for, for instance the miscarriage incident in '04, and to this day, I still cannot get over it. I mean I have so much resentment towards him and it keeps getting worse and worse. How can I go back to someone who I can barely stand looking at or EVEN want to share intimate moments with??? Tell me that!! He disgusts me and doesn't appeal to me in anyway; I guess with my time away from him has given me a clear view of what I want & like in someone and HE is not it.
Well..just needed to get this all off my chest...it is like a weight bearing down on me that won't let up...

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 2:30 AM