Wild One on the Loose...
Well to continue what I started in my beginning blog, we moved into our new home in Indian Trail, NC and our life together was moving smoothly. I was still working and we partied quite a bit on weekends. We planned to start having a baby in Dec '03 and did get preggo fairly soon. I found out I was expecting in Feb 04 and it was the happiest moment of my life. I actually kinda knew I was but waited until I was almost 2 weeks late to take a test. It was positive, I took another just to make sure. I called Ben at work to tell him and HE was ecstatic. When he came home, we glowed for hours and hours and told our immediate families. It was a whirlwind of emotions, we were so excited and knowing we were starting a family gave me a sense that things could finally settle down and our lives were about to change from then on. I continued working at the office mgr job I was at for over 1 1/2 yrs and they shared in my excitement as well. Every moment I was glowing and happy beyond words, even though morning sickness was horrible. I was always nauseous! We actually had a weird winter that year. We got a cold one and it snowed later in the season as expected. One weekend we were out making snow angels in our front yard and just soo happy in love once again. We started to communicate better, but his drugging was not getting any better and he was still getting high. But I didn't let that bring me down, I was a glowing maniac, buying all kinds of baby books and etc... I started working a in home party plan called Pure Romance, and it was booming so that kept my time well spent. One weekend I ended up doing a party down in Clemson, SC toward end of March and went there excited and looking forward to a good night of fun with the ladies. One big problem, I got to the house and went to ladies room, I was bleeding! And I panicked, but didn't make a fuss and started my show as usually and allowed the women to have the time of their lives during the evening. When I was leaving I called Ben to let me know what was going on, and by then, I was over 3 hrs away from home. He was pretty stoned by that hour so he didn't have much to say to me about the fact I was bleeding, just stated he is anxiously waiting for me to come home so we can go to bed!! Well all the way home I cried and talked to my good friend, Lori, and all she kept saying is don't worry, this is normal. Normal, to me, this wasn't. I knew deep inside something was wrong and I needed to talk to my Dr. in the morning. So I arrived home & went straight to bed. Woke up the next morning and I was bleeding harder. I called my Dr and she instructed me to meet her at the hospital and she will find out what is going on. I was hysterical and upset, tried to wake Ben up but he was unresponsive. He is like a coma-to see person when he is sleeping but I let him know I was leaving for hospital, crying and worried and still he was not responding. I was so mad and aggravated cause I knew the night before he was partying by himself and I was resentful of that fact. So here I am a nervous wreck driving to hospital, I was shaking and decided to call Lori to meet me, I needed someone to be there for me since HE wasn't. He rather sleep in bed while I sat in hospital worrying if I was struggling to accept the fact I might be losing OUR baby. I hated him that morning and thought "What kind of husband is this?? Is this the life/lifestyle I wanted to raise my child in??"So after I got checked into hospital, I sat & waited and finally they called my name. They put me in a room and Lori waited there with me, consoling me and telling me not to worry. I panicked more and just couldn't shake the feeling I was miscarrying. So finally they had someone take some blood work and then take me down to ultrasound room to see what was going on. I was nervous and the nurse wasn't being too considerate, seeing that I was a emotional mess. She did the ultrasound and didn't even allow me to view the screen, Lori was standing beside me and we faintly heard a heartbeat but the nurse wouldn't say anything as to whose it was. My hopes were dwindling fast and then they moved me back to the upstairs ER room.I was a basketcase by then, just not knowing what was going on with me & baby. Soon afterward, the Dr came in and informed me I was miscarrying and had called my O/B to come & do a D&E. Basically, the procedure was to remove anything left inside so I didn't have to experience it any further. I was pretty traumtitized by this point, I cried & cried, and feeling completely alone, since my husband wasn't there to hear the news either. I told Lori to get in touch with Ben. Everyone was calling & calling and he wasn't answering the phone at home... After an hour, his parents had to knock on bedroom window to wake his lazy ass up and let him know WHAT HAS HAPPENED. By the time I went into surgery and was in recovery, he was waiting by my side in the recovery room. As soon as I opened my eyes, he was there and I burst into tears once again. It was the hardest thing I ever had to go through in my life, I was in pain and felt soo empty and alone. His parents were there at hospital, my mom-in-law kept saying it wasn't my fault & we could try again in a few months. That was the last thing I wanted to hear at this moment. I felt horrible and was trying not to blame myself either but deep inside I knew I must of done something to lose this baby. Ben drove me home while Dave drive my car home with Lori following behind. I got home and slept pretty much a good part of afternoon. I was soo sad and depressed and my husband was just in shock and didn't have much to say. I called my boss and he said I could take the week off and take care of myself, which was a relief.
So day after day, I started feeling better but kept thinking it was my fault, I must of done something wrong during this pregnancy. It really was hard for me to deal with. Ben even said to me one day that I should go back to work, not be lazy and start making my money again. He was so rude and unconcerned about me or anything I was going through. I got very resentful and began acknowledging how HE was not the person I wanted to share my life with. He was so insensitive and uncaring toward end of week. I cried a lot and read a lot on miscarriages and had slight hope if we tried soon, I would get preggo again soon and be happy once again. So after seeing my Dr for follow up I decided we should start again after I went thru one period cycle. Two to Four months later we were trying harder than ever, and disappointed over and over. I wasn't getting pregnant and things got stressful on us. We let things go and still wasn't working. I went to my Dr and he said I was fully normal functioning; I thought maybe Ben has a problem, but he didn't want to got to any Dr. I guess it was 3-4 months after miscarriage, Ben was experiencing Erectile Dysfunction. He couldn't maintain an erection at all and it was very frustrating. I grew more & more irritated with the fact that it seemed he didn't want to try anymore and we gave up on baby-making. We planned for a huge 4th of July bash and it went off with no problems. We had a lot of people show up and things went smoothly, but deep inside I knew something was wrong w/ us and I was faking the marriage feelings. I just didn't have the security in our stability as I did before, I looked at him in disgust and had no respect for someone who couldn't put first in his life.
During mid-summer I was starting to look to other men to make me feel complete. No cheating or sleeping with them but surrounding myself with men in general. I was a guy's best friend and always had men in my life more than females anyway. I don't know how to explain it but I began to feel I was not suited to be married at this time in my life. I felt I made a big mistake marrying Ben, knowing the history we had and how he can fly off the deep end for no reason. I was very concerned about how faithful he was and worried about how quickly my feelings changed with him. We never talked much for a long time, he got high a lot and I chose not to partake in the activities. We didn't engage in ANY sexual activities for months at a time at this point. The holidays were coming soon and my feelings were changing daily. I wasn't feeling the intense comfort of his presence and felt everything was slipping away.
So, I started going out more w/ my girlfriends and that's when I met "Alex". From the start there was such a huge sexual connection with us and just being around him was a huge turn on! He made me feel things I hadn't felt in long time with my hubby. Though I was still married, I didn't wear my wedding rings and went out A LOT with "Alex". We partied and hung out w/ friends and drank quite a bit too. I was going out til all hours of night and using Pure Romance as an excuse to stay out partying with him too. I got through Christmas when I began explaining to Ben that I was not really happy and have been going out with someone on the side. I knew he would be upset but he kinda had an idea something was going on but he didn't flip out! He wanted to work things out with us. I chose not to participate in that and continued to see Alex daily. He was the young, sexy, wild and easy going man I wanted in my life. He was soo damn hot and things got hot n' heavy with us quickly. I left my husband at home on New Yrs Eve (I was pissed cause I asked him to make plans for us to go somewhere & he didn't make any at all) so I spent it with Alex & his friends down in Rock Hill and stayed out drinking and hanging in a hotel room..
It was then when I made a promise to myself that 2005 is going to be a BIG yr of Major Changes! I spent many weekends following New Yrs in hotels with Alex and we shared some deep moments together. Things simmered down in end of January when I started feeling I was wrong in "cheating & deceiving" Ben and needed to try to work things out w/ Ben. Ben was the same old Ben, he was smoking a shit load of pot and doing other stuff I would rather not mention and NOT doing a damn thing to change his ways. I worked mon-fri by this time part time due to less business with current job and was doing parties on weekends as often as I could.
So I decided to give Ben the benefit of the doubt. To my dismay, when I begged & pleaded w/ him to stop smoking and focus on our relationship, he was not happy, he panicked and even stated HE couldn't live without it. I mean he had been smoking for over 15 yrs and how could he stop!!! So I knew at that moment, he was not going to be someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am more than willing to bend and give a little but not to someone who will tell me he cant live without POT & other things. It was ridiculous...I resented him so much for all the faith I had put into our relationship and it was all quickly coming apart before me. I stayed at the house but felt we were living sep lives. We didn't talk much and when we did, it ended in him getting all angry and flipping mad. We didn't even have any intimacy, I blew him off every chance I had. He didn't ask for it and neither did I. I began telling him I was not in love w/ him and wanted to leave..I ultimately wanted to get the farthest away from him. Looking at him made me feel sick and I hated that feeling. He still didn't make any changes and ignored me more. I kept hounding him about stopping the smoking and he continued to do it daily..even at work too.
So, end of January he surprised me with a Fla trip, kinda of a last ditch effort to see if we can make this work. I agreed and we drove all the way down to Orlando. We barely talked about us, he slept most of the way and smoked the other 1/2. We got a little lost in FLA but finally found the hotel, not exactly what we expected but it was okay for a few days. We complained to mgmt about the conditions but nothing was done during out stay. I insisted he didn't bring any drugs and OF course he did. It made my trip horrible, he was a basketcase without it and I got even more resentful. He is truly a addict and he didn't want to face it one way or another. I knew HE would never change and I needed to move on. He smoked mostly at night and some when we were off driving somewhere. I tried to bite my tongue through the trip but I knew things weren't going to get any better for us with or without this trip. I was not feeling a good vibe off this whole trip and by the time we made it home, I was through w/ the marriage. I stayed in the house another month and a half to keep it cool and so I could save some money to make the plunge to move out. I knew in my heart this wasn't where I wanted to be in my life and I wasn't important enough to him, for him to stop the illegal shit he was doing daily.
So in the beg of March I met Matt thru a g/f Valerie while working at an uptown festival for St. Patty's day. We hit it off soo well and I knew something was going to come about with us. That night I planned to stay at a hotel and very happily invited him to join me. He drove me back to Valerie's to get my car and agreed to call me when he was all cleaned up and I was at hotel. We had a great night together and it was very comfortable. We talked and talked and learned a lot about each other that night. We did get intimate and it was the first time I felt I have a connection with someone on more than one level. We talked & saw one another secretly during the next couple weeks, but I knew something was stirring at home. Ben wasn't asking any questions, as to my whereabouts or anything. It was very weird, and I thought he might me up to something BUT I didn't care to ask or mention it. Ok so now we are about in Mid-March 2005; things were getting worse and every night we argued over how I was feeling and that I wanted out. One night toward end of month I was really letting into Ben about his erratic behaviors and addictions & he was sitting there trying to rationalize his drug usage and I threw my hands up and said I am out of here and that's when he went off the dead end. His past has proven he cannot deal with the truth and hearing it is over; he got violent and starting punching my arm while standing over me as if I beat the hell out of me on the couch. I was scared shitless!! I had no where to go at this point and felt trapped, since he was over me and has the strength to hurt me bad! He was so blinded by rage he didn't even realize what he was saying or doing. I was completely frightened & shocked by his ill behavior. (this was mentioned briefly in 1st post).
Luckily, for me I had a good friend, Valerie, who I met a couple months prior and gave her a call and went over to her house for the night. I was crying and anxious to finally get him out of my life. That was what made me decide to move out and move forward with restraining order and lastly the Separation paperwork filed May 3rd...and this is where I stop cause I got into this in my previous entries....FYI, I had known Matt prior to this incident while working w/ Valerie & was seeing him occasionally & we had a good friendship started and so he would be the ONE I would turn to when I had no one who could help me out either. He was a great guy, 27 y/o handsome, sexy, easy going man who turned my world upside down and around..in a good way. He was a good listener & someone I could trust with anything I needed to get off my chest. Thank God I knew some people who could help me when I needed it most!
posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 10:30 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home