Happy, Happy Day & Week
TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF A NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE, TO LIVE ON MY OWN AND LIVE FOR ME! Last night I picked up the keys from the next door neighbor, Ron and was introduced to his roomate, Bill. He is also going thru a divorce, in July. I think I will have no problems meeting people in the neighborhood. I have such a feeling of being free & clear from the old life I had. I don't think it will set in though until I am sleeping over and unpacking everything this weekend.The move-out of all property from the house in Indian Trail w/my ex-husband was on Sunday and what a day that was!! It was cold and windy all day but Ben and all his friends got everything out of the house before our cut off time (4pm). He had a 16' trailer, a pickup truck, tahoe and a car to load up with items, i had my car, a friends p/u truck and a covered trailer for all my stuff including the fridge, freezer, and grill. I never realized how much stuff we had in that house, it filled a 10 x 15 storage unit. It was stacked and packed high & deep. My unit is fairly packed but will be moving a lot of items into my new place so I will probably downsize to keep my expenses down. I packed up all the items (ie: dishes, glasses, silverware, cat items,etc, etc..) and I was relieved I got to take what I wanted & needed. I am soo excited and anxious, but trying to keep myself contained until the weekend when I will be officially moved in. I am thankful I will be having help this time with all the boxes and getting things in their place.I will be celebrating with Randy (from 3 weeks ago) Sat night, he will come over and have dinner and etc for the 1st night in my new place! Everyone in my life is soo happy for me and my new path in life. So, the new life will call for new changes and better choices for me. I plan to take a lot of time alone for myself and focus on what my goals are now that I am moving forward with my life and future.So.....Wish me Luck and I will keep you posted with more info.....:0)
Wildn' Wednesday
Today is the 1st day knowing I will have a place all to myself by next week. I absolutely loved the townhouse and graciously accepted the offer to move in. It is located off Tyvola ( near 77) and is in a new, gated community. I agreed to sign a long-term lease and anxiously waiting until next week to move in. I feel this is the best move I could make for myself, even though I am nervous about living on my own for the first time EVER!! It is a great place, safe neighborhood, has a community pool, and wonderful neighbors.The house itself is clean, well kept and has a nice layout, has a small area out back for my grill & table set. The front has a small porch with 2 chairs & a table. I will move into the master suite that has a big bathroom with a garden tub & shower stall, a walk-in closet & a queen bed in it for me, until I get something for myself. My neighbor offered to help me move in next weekend and will bring some furniture up to my room that I can use. I am tickled pink & red over this place. Honestly, it is quite nice, though it can use some paint & carpet cleaning, not a problem. Every room has ceiling fans, plantation blinds, some furniture and just feels comfortable. So the next thing to do is let Angel know I will be out of her place by next weekend and doing my own thing. I hope she won't be too upset but she has got to understand where I am in life and all, she can't expect me to stay there for a long time and not be happy. I have done all I can and just need to get on my own and learn my own way in life. I have taken on so much being over there and trying to make it work, but I need more room and freedom.I have been sitting down trying to work things out on paper s to what I will bring to the new place and what to leave in storage. This will be the first time I will be responsible for a place, not worrying about sharing things with roommates, and just enjoy the calm. Also I am looking forward to making use of all my household items I havent used since I left Ben last yr!! I know I will like the short commute (15 min at most), coming home & be with Tigger, cooking what I want, do as I want and live my life, without other distractions. I can have everything I need right there and be happy. God, I am smiling ear to ear..and it feels good to know I can do this for me.Well work to do for now....catch you all up later on after I get everything squared away.
Twisty Tuesday and more..
Today is a MUCH better day! I am feeling a lot better physically & mentally. I am excited about meeting "Lisa", my possible landlord, tonight about her townhouse for rent. I am trying not to get all hyped up about it but I am wishing for this to be the opportunity I've been waiting for. I have moved so much in the last 8 months & want to be living somewhere more than 4 months! I am sick of all the juggling around and bussling of my life all the time, I feel I have lived out of boxes for so long, I am done with it. I hate not being able to call a place home and wanting to be free of drama, problems and kids!
Just as an FYI, I've been staying in a hotel since Saturday night because I cannot have Tigger at my current residence because of serious allergies. I can't see keeping Tigger locked up in a cage all day with no food or litter box. She is a great cat and I know she would go nuts and be all freaked out everyday I return home. So I took it upon myself to do what I needed for me & Tigger and provide a place for me to stay w/her. I know it is a lot of money to do so but it will be better in the long run. I am really wanting this roommate opportunity to be the one I been waiting for so that I can move into it at end of month. I need some place where I can be free, stress-free and alone. I have been surrounded by all kinds of people for so long, I need "ME" time. I am not being selfish or depressed, it is just normal to want to be on your own and doing for yourself, right? I am sick of living in Indian Trail and taking on everyone else's problems and not worrying what's good for me. SO tonight will be the night for me to check out her place and hope for the best. If it is a good deal and I feel it can work, I will plan on being in it by the 1st weekend of March!! She offered to work with me with rent amount & not worrying about my credit as long as I can pay each month.
I am glad I'm making steps to do better for myself and take control of issues surrounding me. I have no one to depend on and if i take this place, having a place pretty much to myself will be sweet! I can make changes I need to make and allow myself "down" time to take care of me. I will plan out my budget better and make sure to put $$ aside for savings. My roommate, who lives primarily in the Outerbanks as a Realtor, is 31 y/o and doing very well for herself. We seem to get along great on the phone, so keeping my fingers crossed this will be IT for me. She will not be residing with me so i may see her one weekend a month, if that. Which gives me time for me and chill out. I can do as I please and have the comfort of knowing I have this place to myself.
Well work is great and I am so glad I have American Wholesale in my life. They have been very understanding of being out sick last week but I'm anxious to feel 100% and get back to the "Usual Jenny" feeling. I hate being so sick and unable to do a lot...I will keep doing what I need to take care of me & worry about the rest later. I am most important right now and that is what I need to keep thinking... I have taken on so much other problems and drama of others, I need to focus on what I need and want in life.
Tony is out of the picture...he has been lying to me as well. I am just a fool to even allow myself to feel for him and trust in him all along...Being alone and on my own for once will be very good for me heart & soul. I feel this will be the best thing I could do for myself and make me #1!!
Work still to catch up on and off right after work to meet lisa.....Good bye...wish me luck!
WOOOWW...It sure has been a Week
Last week was one of the most stressful & awful weeks of my life..no exaggeration!! Tuesday I woke up w/ a very sore throat and came home early from work and stayed in bed the rest of week. I went to Dr's the next morning to find out I had strep/bacterial infection in my chest and had a 101.9 fever, which remained all week. I couldnt move for 2 days, my body was aching badly, had severe cough, congestion and just ill to the bone. I am just starting to feel normal today, after almost a week!
To add to all the stress already, Ben informed me Monday night (before V-day) that the mortgage for the house was FORCLOSED in January 2006 and there was nothing we could do about it now. I was pissed, mad, disgusted and beside myself with anger. I called tuesday to speak w/mortgage company and we "supposedly" had til March 1th to either come up with full amount of loan (ouch--$160,000 +) or we would be evicted. Luckily until now, I had just about ALL my personal items out of house except for a couple items. So that would give us time to move everything out right? NO...Not at all!!! Friday afternoon I got a call from Ben telling me someone was at the house that afternoon & changed the locks! So, no more March deadline to vacate the premises! I was flipping mad, I called mortgage company and they said they did indeed changed the locks and we had to call contractor to get into the house. They never explained why I would of been told March 11th to vacate but needless to say, I needed to get stuff out of there! I went over to my house and there was my cat, Tigger, sitting in the front window meowing. She was all freaked out & I FELT SOO BAD.. There was no way to get inside without breaking and entering. So I had to leave her there all alone until the next morning. I was soo upset, knowing that Tigger probably hadn't food to eat until we get into the home, whenever that will be. So luckily, I got in touch with contractor and made arrangements to meet at the house 7 am Saturday. He was nice enough to let me get my cat, "hope chest"w/sheets (gift form my mom for wedding), wedding dress, my aunt's fine china (old & passed down to me) and thats it! He informed us we could contact our bank to arrange to get a truck so we can move everything out of the house entirely, so nothing would be left behind. I mean there is a bed, furniture, table, chairs, appliances my parents bought for us, etc...We had no way of getting a U-Haul last minute! So possibly this weekend I can get more stuff out of there.
To say the least, I am soo sick of the bullshit & deceit with Ben. He has done nothing but deceive me into believing he was making good on the payments, as agreed in our Separation Agreement, and I am done with the aggravation, stress and ill feelings. He needs to fess up to his mistakes and do right for himself. He needs help and he isnt willing to get any. He cant explain where ALL his money went during the 8 months I been out of the house. He has no where to live, bathe, and sleep as of this past friday night. He was able to get some of his belongings Saturday morning and I was relieved at that. But the first thing he grabs at the house is HIS DRUGS..(pot i think is all he had) but geez...no clothes, drugs first!! Typical ben though, never ceases to amaze me. He managed to grab his bare necessities and that was it. This is going to be a long month as I see it and I am NOW looking for a new place to live in the meantime.
I have put an ad back onto Roommates.com for a bigger place with more room, less stress/hassle and have my cat with me so I dont have to give her up. It is hard finding a place where the landlord or owner allows pets. Tigger has been part of my life for almost 3 yrs and I am not walking away from her now! I have been in contact with 1 woman who I'll be meeting Tues night; she has a 3 bedroom 2-1/2 bath townhome for rent. I am actually looking forward to seeing it. I am just not happy 100% where I am at now, cause of her daughter, problems roomie is experiencing with her life and how far it is from work. I want a place where I have space to chill, not feel cramped up & uncomfortable, less noise and be able to have Tigger with me, at all times. She has been thru so much in the last few days, I am relieved I have been able to keep her with me until now. So the rent at this place is $500/mo( incl utilities) and it looks like a big/decent size place. Keep my fingers crossed this one is a good place, cause I feel I am spinning wheels @ my current location and not getting where I need to be and besides it being soo far from work and all.. It would be nice to have a place where there would be no roomies, no drama/issues, and no chaos.
Well as you can imagine this weekend was very quiet, I didn't do a whole lot of ANYTHING. It was nice for a change, but I see a lot more going on in the next couple weeks before I head up to NJ for Joyce's memorial and all on the 11th of March. I am just hoping to find a place to call home, have some fun/"me" time and relax. I think the situation with the new place will be better..no kids, no dogs, more room, lots more storage areas, and a lot less driving to do to/from work. I want some quiet & peace in my life and have not gotten much since I left Ben almost a yr ago. So as this turns another page in my life story....lets hope this move will be for the best, and for a
long term arrangement too!! I am sick of all the moving & chaos in my life...it is getting to be too much for me.
What a Great Weekend...
Monday mornings usually are "bad" days for a lot of people and kinda sluggish. But today, I am feeling the best I have felt in a long time. I feel rested, bright-eyed and just peaceful. All through the weekend I kept in touch with Mom, I wish I could be there in NJ with her. Times like this, I wish I had not moved to NC but if I didn't, who knows where I would be right now. Mom is having a really hard time, keeps thinking Aunt Joyce will be there when they go down to take care of business at Morgue & Landlord/apt stuff. I know it won't get any easier until after the Memorial service. There will times when she will cry for no reason and just feel alone. My heart breaks for my mom, cause I don't know what I would do if I lost my sister. Well....Saturday ended up being a good day. I ended up staying up (got up at 8am) & going out for breakfast & errands w/ roomie & her daughter. We bought a bunch of necessities at Lowes for the house and went shopping for some clothes that afternoon. We ate lunch/dinner at Souper Salad and then came home. I went back to sleep for a few hours, got up & talked to Randy, decided to go out for dinner & drinks so... I got showered and ready to meet him at Philosopher's Stone near his house. We ate & drank a little there, then moved our way to Dixie's Tavern. We had a blast; we got their early & stayed until closing and WE BOTH had the most fun. We danced & drank and partied with all of the crowd. There was a good crowd cause of things ging on Uptown this weekend. It was very COLD outside, so had to stay in the bar all night. I dropped him off at his place around 2:15am and drove back to my house. I just hung out all Sunday doing nothing but eat, clean, organize and watch Nascar Daytons 500 Qualifying & Bud ShootOut. It was exciting to watch again and hope #88 does a great season this yr!!OK..tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and this will be the 1st one I will not have a "Sweetheart" to spend it with! I am kinda bummed because Tony did not make it here as planned and I have not kept anyone in my life long enough to want to spend the "day of love" with. It will be just another day, no BIG deal and it is kinda weird for me. I keep thinking, I spent 8 years with Ben, never had to worry about him not making the Day special, he always made sure he made for a nice evening together. Oh well...such is life, right?I need to get my day started at work & will get back later if anything more happens throughout my day....Have a great day!!
It IS Saturday...
Friday was a much better day for me. I am dealing w/ the recent life event as well as can be expected and trying to not fall apart. I spoke with my dad earlier on Friday and he told I wouldn't have to come to NJ for the Memorial until early March. Reason being, SNOW storms predicted for NJ & NY all week, so to make it easier & less stressful to get everyone together, we are waiting until the weather is nicer & have driving conditions. So I am quite relieved I don't have to drive up in itnext week. I am excited about being able to visit my family again, it has been since Thanksgiving and so much has happened since then, although the reason for this trip is more of a sad occasion. This give me more time to get 2 more tires for my car and get my car insurance straightened out and all beforehand ..
I am kinda taking a "breather" with Tony, he had been putting me off all week and now he is supposed to get here the week after Valentines. I think he is just testing me and how long I can be patient with seeing him, I don't know. He kept a distance earlier in week then came up with some excuse for not keeping in touch then has called a lot since Thursday morning..very weird. I don't seriously know what to think anymore with him. It is disappointing. BUT I am keeping my options open for anything good to happen or dates to keep my mind off the bulshit going on. I was very depressed Thursday afternoon & night, just feeling sad and upset over this past week's events collectively. I thought he would make every effort to ensure his arrival next week but I guess life is full of surprises and detours. But I know things pick up & life is full of ups n' downs. But knowing he is still overseas, working his ass off to get through with business is at least a good thing. He is very sweet and has left a dozen offline messages so wheni logg in, his message are the first thing I see...which makes my heart flutter and I know he is thinking about me. SO, I had 2 dates last night (Friday). I met Wil (Hi5) @ his house at 7:30 and we went uptown to the Graduate. We ate & talked and drank a bunch. I had 2 YaegerBombs, but the 2nd one was a double so I was feeling REALLY good afterwards. After dinner, we played 3 games of pool..I won 2 of them so I was happy. I really didn't feel "IT" w/ Wil, got kind of bored and it just lacked any chance of exciting/fun. We walked to Dixies, had a couple more drinks and listened to some music..my kind of place but when he abruptly said he wanted to leave, I got peeved. I absolutely love Dixie's, like the atmosphere/music and people who go there. I was a lil' pissed cause I had spent my money on 2 rounds and I was enjoying my self, but he was not. He stated he isnt one for crowds and that place. We walked back to the car (a few blocks) and I drove him home. When I was arriving at Wil's house (thankfully), RANDY (my 2nd date) called me. He was still wanting to meet up (even after working all night at UPS) and have some fun, as I was hoping to do all night. I don't think I will see Will again. He is only 23 and very immature. He said somethings during dinner that didn't sit well with me and I was not cool with it at all. So back to Randy, we decided we would meet at his place and go to a very nearby bar, Jackalope Jack's. When I picked him up, I was smiling ear to ear, He was SOO CUTE and SWEET. Everything I had been looking for in a guy & more...or so I hope!! He was tall, dark hair, light eyes and manly. He was very polite and a gentleman also. We got to the bar & ordered two YaegerBombs for us, he never had one before! We hung out, talking, hanging out, enjoying themselves as I was with Randy. We hit it off so much better and I was completely relaxed around him the whole time. I was so happy I found someone normal to hang out w/ and someone who was not a disappointment. We talked about hanging out more this weekend, I certainly would like to have some more time with him and get to know him better! Suggested maybe going to Checkers game & then Dixies afterwards, it is a great place to have some fun & get some drinks. I am hoping that he will call later today and want to make plans. I feel we can have lots of fun, if given more time to spend together and go from there.Well it is way early on Sat morning and I think im going to head back to bed for a while...way to early for me to be up since I came home so late this am....get more sleep now...But will update as things happen in my life..exciting for sure.
What a Day...
Well it is now Thursday and of all the mornings to get bad news, TODAY was it. My mom called me at work to let me know, my Aunt Joyce had passed away. My own personal obituary of my Aunt is this...She had lived a lonely life in Baltimore, MD for 20+ yrs & I haven't actually seen her in 9-1/2 yrs. She has always been the "mentally ill/unstable" Aunt, who we had to play along with and take with a grain of salt most of time, as long as I can remember but I love/d her...she was my only AUNT. During times of "normalcy" she wrote letters and left messages on my voicemail. I now wish I had taken more time to go visit her and spend more time on the phone with her to talk, but as we all know, Life Happens and People Get Busy. I feel she was tossed aside when first diagnosed and NO ONE truly cared for her well being, so she did what she had to do for herself. Although she never had it easy in life (she lost her parents at a very young age) did some modeling and that fell apart quickly then became a Flight Attendentl in her 20's when she met some WRONG men and got caught up in some trouble. That is the extent of what i know about her past hitory. I think there is a lot more my mom never told me cause she didnt want me to look at Joyce any differently. I know she traveled and just never had responsibilities in life (ie:kids, husband,home of her own or cars). She had boyfriends but never settled down & got married. She was just always alone or with men who were no good for her & her well-being. I see a similar pattern in me now that I think about it (to some degree).My true memories start when the family went to visit her in Maryland at an Institution and since then, things went dowhill for her. She had been diagnosed as Manic Depressive, Skitzophrenic and Bi-Polar. In my mind, I have always thought of her as "weird", different from the "norm", carefree, and a chainsmoker who always had a Big Gulp in her hand w/Diet Coke. There wasn't a time when she acted or appeared to be just like everyone else, she never made much sense and it was very sad. She was the only one in family who is mentally ill and there was no one to give her a chance to be normal. As I now sit here thinking of the "good" memories I have, honestly, there were not many. We visited on weekends often and we would be so excited to see her but it was like being in a another world with her, never able to predict what she would say or do. She was always living a non-responsible life and very unstable. I don't think she ever worked a real job in the 20 yrs in Maryland, she was always relying on government funding to assist her thorugh life when she became ill. It was like taking care of a grown-up child who was clueless as to the world around her and the dangers that lurks outside her apartment. She called all hours of night, had crazy stories that we never knew were true or not and left us feeling worried all the time. She was very trusting of everyone (strangers) & would walk the streets near her place all hours of night, try to communicate with spirits and always told us about premonitions. I know it was very hard for my mom (her sister) to have to live everyday worrying about her sister's safety & welfare, deal w/everything as it transpired with Joyce and her mishaps. My mom has been dealing with her sister's lifestyle way longer than I could imagine & now she is assured it is best for her not to be sick any longer and be at peace.I am extremely sad today, depressed, a emotional mess just knowing I lost someone very close to me in spirit this week. Joyce was not the best Aunt anyone could of had, but she was mine. I loved her and still always will, the only comfort right now is the fact she is no longer suffering from the illnesses and she is at peace in a safe & better place. My parents are making arrangements as they can; Joyce lived & died in Baltimore, MD- she will be cremmated there, my parents will drive down to get her remains and collect any sentimental items from her apartment where she was living and go back to NJ. I plan to be up there once they return to participate in the Memorial Service & gathering of family back home in NJ. This is the 1st time I have lost someone so close to the family, it is shocking. I begin to talk to someone on the phone today and when they ask how I am doing and I burst into tears. I know my heart & thoughts are with my family, and I just feel beside myself since this morning.
Well, as sand in an hourglass, so are the DAYS OF OUR LIVES---REST IN PEACE..I KNOW YOU ARE IN A BETTER PLACE, Aunt Joyce..I always will love you ..XOXOXOXO
Closer and Closer to the DAY
Well this week has sure flown by and I am getting more excited as the days go by.
Great News....Tony will be flying directly from UK to Charlotte,NC and stay for 2 weeks. I am amazed how much time we will have to spend together and see if we really are a good fit. I've been doing research on 4&5 * Hotels and options are limited.
Westin-Uptown is $185/night for a Deluxe King Suite, upper floor, with Heavenly Bed(dreamy & plush) & Shower(relaxing/sensual), Turn down service, Smoke-free environment and all the special amenities. I am thinking this is our BEST option, especially since he wants to show me . The other is
Ballanytne Resort/Spa and it runs $199-399 per night for a King/Smoking Room. Not our idea of deluxe, if it is smoking!! Also, one weekend we are taking off to NC Mountains and get a room with a jacuzzi in it too...oh, the fun times ahead!!!
So anyway, days are ticking away, awaiting Tony's arrival, thinking about the time we will spend alone & together again. He will be here Valentine's Week and I cannot get the smile off my face...it is permanent! Being with someone who is absolutely amazing, intelligent, worldy and romantic, it is a dream come true. There have no disappointments or false assumptions between us. We have been very honest with one another and I feel a true, deep connection with him. I definitely look forward to getting as more information about his background/lifestyle and work. We talk a lot now but in person, we can really get to know one another. I am nervous, overwhelmed, anxious, and anything else I could feel right now. He & I are very happy with what we have right now and it can only get bigger & better.
Work is going well, I got my first full paycheck this week and OMG...it is the
most I have
EVER made in my life in a 2 week period. My health insurance will be deducted on the 15th but I still have an "awesome" check. It feels good to be paid well and appreciated even more. I love coming to work everyday and only hope I can grow and learn more along the way.
My roomate & I are getting along great, no issues or problems between us. Weshare so much of our lives with one another and she is more protective of me nowadays. She is skeptical about everyone I met but she is open to me trying new things too. She has a new man in her life, and I am elated for her. She certainly needs someone good who will treat her right and take care of her as well. The group of ladies we party with will all be going Uptown and have some fun. No men coming with us and it will be a lot more relaxed atmosphere. I think we will go to Dixies or Time to let loose and dance.
As you all know or read about me, I been meeting lots of men in the past few months but I cannot say they have been "bad" experiences. I feel you need to put yourself out there before you can know if he is the right one or not. I don't have any regrets but I feel deep inside of my heart & soul... I found my Mr. Right and I didn't have to look too hard either. There will be no more talk of meeting new guys and debating on whether he is the one...No Need any longer!! I feel overwhelmed w/feelings BUT willing to wait things out and see what will progress within the time he visits and when we are alone..talking. There is so much to look forward to and seeing life in a different way---without worrying about money...he is well "established" and he has proven he DOESN'T have to clip coupons or worry about finances. I will be taken care of and NOT taken Advantage of.....YEA
Life is good right now, going to get even Better soon here and I am happy. That is all I ever wanted after I left Ben and I have truly found out
who I really am and love myself more & more and know I will follow my dreams. My parents and friends are proud of me for what I have done over the last year and today, So Am I!!Gotta get going for now....keep y'all posted on more later on.... Bye
