MyWorldAsIChoose2LiveIt

Half Nekkid Thursday...

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 7:58 AM 0 comments

The PJ's You Are Most Like: Comfortable PJ's

You're a bit conservative, traditional, and tend to follow conventions You have an understated, easy sexyness that men love People instantly find comfort in you, and you're a "best friend" to many.

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 8:51 AM 0 comments

Ok..OK...

Today started out like everyday I have to go to work, but the only change is that I no longer have a friendship with my friend of 6 1/2 yrs, ROBIN. I am deeply hurt and disappointed in how things had gotten so out of control {once again, long story} & I am feeling a loss in my life. Granted there have been plenty of times I wanted to take a break from all her damn drama...BUT I never faultered as a friend and always stayed true to her. Honestly, I am relieved I will not have to listen to her constant negativity towards Ben's lifestyle and ways, her informing me on how much partying she has done on the weekends and then on top it, being as ill as she has been in the last 2 yrs and listening to her complain and go on & on over how sick she is!!! I mean come on, LOOK at the big picture!! Her lifestyle of constant drinking & occasional partying has definitely taken a toll on her body & maybe she really needs a serious wake-the-fuck-up call! So as of Monday afternoon we have ended our friendship because of differences in our lifestyles and views on what I need to be doing w/ my marriage and life. I was emotional and sad yesterday but I am getting over it today and feeling much better. I know by making this choice, I will be the better person for it. Thankfully, I have a great therapist who will help me work thru a lot of issues within myself so I can be a better woma, friend and wife to my husband.

Moving along....things are wonderful with Ben & I even though I have become a raging bitch at times for NO reason. I seriously cannot figure out what sets me off to the point of jumping all over him but he takes it better than expected and calmly talks it out with me... These are things I knew about him prior to being married, but nowdays Drive Me Nuts!! Granted 9 yrs together it grows on you but lately it hasn't been the case.
A 4 day weekend is ahead for me & I know Ben is looking forward to having some time off in between the 4th. Just spending time together, chilling at the pool & partying at D & L's for the 4th. Ben plans to do a nice show of fireworks as usual and it will be a nice day as I see it. I truly feel everyone accepts me even after everything we been thru in the last year. It has been a tough yr and we are truly grateful for the time we are spending together rebuilding a lot of what was lost a yr ago.

Another thing weighing down my mind lately is how much Ben is changing and how different I am as his wife and lover. Our relationship has changed in the past few months and it is a good thing! We communicate and are open to new ideas on dealing with conflicts and problems. I feel I can trust him to some degree but I don't know if the situation presented itself, if he would hold back from me at any given time. The situation I am talking about refers to either cheating on me or using the hard core drugs again. I know he "used" when things were OK with us and when things got VERY bad within our marriage. I just hope he can learn some coping skills instead of running to a place I don't ever want to be again with him. I love him with all my heart n' soul...he is my future and I feel we will one day be blessed with a child of our own. It has been such a big area for us to talk about and all; he feels we should try now and see what happens. I feel we should wait for a yr and make sure this will be something we can both follow through with. BUT when I got pregnant 2 yrs ago and miscarried, we tried for 6 months following and did not get pregnant. Maybe time wasn't on our side but I cannot see myself being a MOM right now, even though I would love being a Mom. It isn't financially or emotionally feasible right now. Both of us have a lot to work on and HE has ALOT of things to prove to me, due to his lack of responsibility in the last yr. We have been thru the ringer with our marriage but I feel it has only made us stronger and more focused/motivated to make big changes.

I apoligize for the slight rant...I cannot wait to see my therapist this Friday at lunch...I have quite a bit to go over w/ her since we last met last Tuesday. I am happy I found someone I am comfortable with and can work through a lot of traumatic things of my childhood and past relationships.

Well it is about time to head out for the night..We are heading to the pool afterwork and grill Bubba Burgers tonight..YIPEEE.....plan to cath up on some "romancing" as well...He deserves it for making BIG changes in past few weeks.

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 4:01 PM 0 comments

Monday Morning Update

It is Monday and boy do I wish I had one day more to rest and relax! It was a busy weekend full of parties and hanging out with good friends. Friday night Ben & I went next door to V & B's for our last weekend of spending time there. They will be moving out this week and into the place above where her salon is uptown. I am sad to see them go but I know it will be best for them financially and I think it will give V some time to think things through with her current situation. The guys shot pool for a good 4 hours while listening to music, drinking our beverages of choice and talked a lot. We always have a great time and it is just a lot of fun!!

V decided Saturday morning I could give her a ride to work & she would give more blonde highlights. So I was up and out of the house by 9:30 and we were off the spend the day at her salon. She really did a great job at adding the colors I like in my hair and I was beaming once I was finished. I made my way home to make some lunch and rest cause of the lack of sleep the night before. I did catch up on some DVR'd TV shows from the week, I was looking forward to Ben's arrival so we could attend a B-day party for friend from NJ who lived in SC. We got on the road about 7pm and when we got the party, it was a fiesta! I mingled with everyone there and drank myself a bottle of Yellowtail Sharaz/Cabernat wine and we hung out until 12am! The b-day girl had a guy friend over who is opening a tattoo shop off Independence Blvd so he was ink'g everyone that night for nothing! I was very tempted to get some more ink but decided to wait it out until he could either come to my house or I can go to his...(its alot cheaper too). He was looking at my shoulder blade & ankle tat and he got some awesome ideas for adding and covering up the ankle tribal and making it more of a scene. I was getting so excited as he was discussing what he would like to do for me in the near future.

So anyways Ben had a blast Saturday night, he got to play horseshoes, build a huge camp fire in the back yard and hang out with his friends from NJ who all moved here within last couple years. I talked to alot of the b-day girl's friends and had a great time myself. We left out of there about 12, stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite & made it home before 12:45. We came home to watch some of the Busch race and eventually passed out soon after.

Sunday was a really lazy day for both of us. Granted we have been having some unbelievable sex and foreplay lately. It seems when we got back together, it got 100% better and much more intense. We slept in til 10:30, got dressed to go eat some breakfast at diner and came hoem to catch up on movies, shows and busch race we didnt see the end of. We chilled in bed all day, made a late lunch, eventually showered and grilled out hot dogs later that night. We talked a lot and just spend our time together relaxing and listening to the rain against the windows in our bedroom. This room has become such a peaceful place for us to relax and become soo much closer. I think the bed is the most comfortable bed we have slept on (in yrs) and wouldnt change it for anything. Ben & I truly appreciate what it takes to make this marriage work and he is doing so well with no smoking (green) and really cutting back on bad habits.

Well I am completely exhausted today and it will be a long one since it is supposed to rain most of the day here...Hate Monday that start out dreary and rainy...makes for a more yucky-dreary day But one good thing, we are making fried chicken and pasta for dinner and we have plenty of shows to choose from to watch tonight on TV..Hell's Kitchen and WWE Raw...

PS...Last night WWE Vengence PPV was in Charlotte so Ben & I need to watch that after work so we can watch WWE Raw later on and know what happened last night..(we fell asleep during the show but luckily taped it!!)

Well hope you all have a great Monday...

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 8:05 AM 0 comments

Wheee Whoooo It's Wednesday~~

Wednesday is here and I am feeling 100% better than I did a week ago. Things are going so much better with Ben and myself, I know this will end up being the fresh start we wanted. We have plans for 4th of July and I am looking forward to being with other friends this year.

I had taken off Tuesday from work to take care of Dr's appts & cable internet hook-up for my place. I finally received my computer from Dad last week and now it is all ready for use! I enjoyed my day off and relaxed. I saw my OB/Gyn & said everything is healthy and was caught off guard by my "hood" piercing. I thought he would of seen them before but I WAS HIS FIRST one! Unfortunately, I have gained some weight since last March and it didn't make too happy. I know now there will need to be some changes with my eating habits and DEFINITELY work on losing this weight. All I need to start doing better for myself is 1st get a pair of good sneakers to walk & do exercising in. I have been keeping articles/exercise routines I can work into my day to start being proactive and get this weight off. I think a lot of it came from being depressed and soo up in the air about so much going on since beginning of the year. I am not happy with my body and all I need is some motivation, Ben is willing to walk with me and start watching what we eat too. I seriously need to get busy with it, cause I do not want to be an overweight fat ass for the rest fo my life, I had made a promise NEVER to end up like my parents--unhealthy, VERY overweight and just don't give a rats' ass about it. As of this weekend there will be some changes, for the better and I will feel better about myself too.

Otherwise all is going well in my life, I am truly happy and it can only get better. I love where we are living, love my job and love everyone who is being so supportive of our new changes and motivation in life. I refuse to deal or listen to negativity in my life, I feel both of us are going in a positive path in our lives, we won't let anyone break us down. I feel so good about our future and we will work hard to make this a happily ever after story....

Well a lot of work to catch up on today but will keep you up-to-date....

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 10:21 AM 0 comments

My Weekend...

It went much better as planned and YES I did spend time with Ben afterall. We talked a lot and I expressed myself clearly and our need to be able to trust one another and communicate more. Both of us want this marriage work, IF we can get the recreational activities to a minimum and eventually to an end. We love one another and I feel such a sense of unconditional love from Ben, I am the one who needs to re-evaluate my conditions for loving him whole-heartedly. This can all be worked out through counseling sessions in the near future.

My weekend was good. Friday night I did some grocery shopping & had pizza from Upstate Pizza and relaxed at house. I have been debating on whether or not to get my tongue pierced (again) and chickened out when I went over to the place I had my "hood" pierced. Came back home afterwards and ended up hanging out with Victoria & Bill next door until wee hrs of morning! We shot pool, talked a lot and chilled out. I always have fun & knowing this will be the last two weekends to hang out, I am sad I will be losing really great neighbors! I spent Saturday cleaning the house, doing laundry and I did get Tigger groomed as planned. She looks 100% better now and she is not shedding fur any longer, she has the lion cut so she is shaved thru the body. Adorable and soo cute now!! Later at night, Ben & I hung out at Dave & Lori's after we had some Chinese food for dinner, they had a bunch of friends over to hang out and watch some Boxing match on HBO. I had a good time and we were invited to a 30th birthday party next Saturday night. Dave & Lori have just bought a "newer" home in Waxhaw this past week. I saw the pics and it is a big house! Has 4 bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths, pool w/ hot tub on 4.3 acres of land and etc...I am a bit jealous since we had a really nice house and unfortunately had it forclosed in February. But I am happy for them and they will be moving in between August & September. We hung out with them for a couple hours and came home. We woke up Sunday and watched the rest of Fun with Dick & Jane movie. We went to the diner for breakfast (a late one) and stopped at store for hot dog rolls. We came home and got ready to head to my pool. It was Father's Day and so I called my father to wish him a great dya of relaxation and good times! Afterwards, we went down to pool and since it wasn't crowded, we hung out there for a couple hours. Then we came back & decided to go to NASCAR Speedpark in Concord to ride the go-karts and bumper boats and all.. We had a lot of fun & it was a perfect day for it! We got home at 9pm and grilled out hot dogs and watched some of the Nextel Cup Race.

When I woke up this morning feeling well rested and refreshed for the week ahead. Surprisingly Ben & I did make it through most of the weekend without smoking and just enjoyed each other's company. It felt good knowing he is willing to do whatever it takes and I am willing to accept this as a fresh start and begin our new life together. I truly love him with all my heart and want him to be by my side forever. HE has my heart and I feel if we work through all of this, it can last!

Well it is Monday, I will be pretty busy today so I will need to keep this short. I will be out of office tomorrow for some Dr's appts and cable internet hook-up...Will update you later tomorrow after I am all set up...Kisses!

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 9:13 AM 0 comments

What A Week..TGIF!!

Today I am feeling much better and more grounded than I did yesterday. I made an appt with my therapist last night after work & she helped me work through a lot of the emotions and feelings I have been dealing w/ since Wednesday night. I cried and talked a lot about my expectations for my broken marriage and most importantly what I need for MYSELF. I have learned thru therapy that I am still dealing with all the emotional trauma I have experienced since I was in grade school. I know I am still hiding behiond a wall and shutting down inside and not allowing my "true"- self to come out. I am still worried about what other people may say about me & my husband and I need to face a lot of my underlying issues within myself. I felt like a different person walking out of her office and I decided I will no longer be a mother or a care-giver to Ben anymore. He is a grown adult and I can ONLY be his wife (if this marriage lasts). I am still working on the hurt and sadness I have been feeling the last few days and know time apart will be the best thing. He won't be staying with me this weekend and I feel I need time to think things through and be alone....

I have associated being ALONE with feeling LONELY. Big difference! Alone doesn't mean being lonely. I feel being alone is when you no longer have a emotional need or attachment to a significant other and being able to live, cope and function all by myself. It is when you no longer feeling "needy". I have realized I have been co-depenedent in many ways with my marriage and Ben has been with me. That is a never-ending cycle leading to a bigger diaster! I know I can live alone, but I honestly dont enjoy it at all. I feel a desire to always want to be surrounded with people (whomever I choose). I like having company and spending time wiht friends. Does that mean I cannot be alone? No, I had spent a lot of time alone when I lived in matthews with Tiffany & Marja for a few months. I chose to stay home and read and journal more often than going out all the time in the beginning of my move-in. I know time alone is neccessary as an adult, it gives you time to work out things going on inside and in your life, without any other involvement except your own. I needed that, I wanted to find myself and to this day, I still am finding more out about ME.
I love myself enough to make choices in my life, whether I want to or not. I know if Ben & I can both remain "clean & sober", this is going to give us the solid foundation we need in our marriage. I love him with all my heart and he has been a "rock" for me over the last 9 yrs we been together.

Anyway, tonight we will be attending an NA meeting and getting the ball rolling and I know if he is true about how he feels and he truly wants this for himself, how can I fault him??

"HAPPY FATHER'S DAY "TO ALL OF THE DADDY'S OUT THERE... KISSES

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 10:04 AM 0 comments

Thankfully Thursday!

The car is running and I drove to work today fine. I am relieved for now.

Last night Ben & I went for our 1st couple counseling session and boy, AM I DISAPPOINTED! He truly is not the man I thought he was or could be! Basically, this marriage will NOT work if he is not willing to make changes and move forward into a positive lifestyle. I am so unhappy right now with the whole situation and I regret allowing him to come back into my life more permanently.
I seriously need the weekend ahead to think about what it is I want from this, what is going to make me happy and what my future is going to end up being if I stay with Ben. I am truly beside myself and verge of tears as I talk to my friends and family. This doesn't sit well with me and I feel my world once again is crashing down on me. I feel very alone and sad by the discussion from last night, it will not get any better if I remain numb to his disillusionment of "Everything is FINE" mentality..it just won't work and I cannot live that way AGAIN.

Anyway I will keep it short for now, I am just not all in the midset to blog today but I will see what the rest of day brings for me...

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 10:11 AM 0 comments

WET N' WILD WEDNESDAY

Once again, my car has failed to meet my "expectations"! Hubby attempted to change out the distributor (for the 2nd time in a week) and the car still isn't running!!! How frustrating!!! Needless to say, I am quite upset and wondering WTF is going on & what's next? I wish more than anything I wish I had made better choices in how I spend my money than dumping it into this POS car!! Granted, Ben has helped out a lot (car-wise) & his best friends' dad helping him fix it but now, we are left with a POS car that doesn't run for now. I HATE not having a reliable car and unfortunately, I do not have good credit to apply for a car loan or anything.

This feeling of helplessness and discontentment is very unsettling for myself and I am not sur ehow I want to deal with it. Many times in life I have been one broke as bitch and somehow made it all work out, but lately, things haven't fallen completely into place like I expected. I am truly feeling a lot of financial stress on my part and I have NO one to blame but myself.

BLAH BLAH...I'm too whiney today..sorry

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 1:33 PM 0 comments

Why is it that when I finally get my car running, It ALWAYS breaks down soon afterwards??? That is my situation right now, fucking car wouldn't start after I arrived at my lunch destination Monday. It drove just fine all weekend and to work then at lunch, it refused to start and I was left waiting until Ben could come & get me in MATTHEWS (again) to take me home. I think Matthews has some kind of curse on me, whenever I recently get to Matthews, my car fucking breaks down. It was a hot day and I stunk some funk from waiting on Ben so there was NO way I was going back to work. I came home and relaxed, did laundry and when Ben got home we tried to figure out what was wrong with the car. Unfortunately, we had a HORRIBLE storm blow thru (dark black cloud, terrential downpour, lightening, thunder, flooding) when we got to Matthews so we didn't get very far but we do know it is the distributor we just replaced last thursday afternoon. SO as of today, I am car-less again but the part will be ready for pick up tomorrow after 12pm. So it will be fixed as long as that is the part that is only malfunctioning under my hood. Relieved it won't take a week to fix, YES...Tiffed that my car is unreliable..YES!! Time to buy a newer car..NO, not yet!

Anyways, Ben & I had a good weekend altogether. We spent most of Friday night hanging out and watching movies. Next door neighbors stopped by to hang out a little while so we had some fun. It was just a weird night with rain, thunder and lightening. Saturday, he worked and we ended up hanging with next door neighbors shooting pool/drinking & had fun. We get along so well w/ Victoria and Bill; Vicki and I played dice all night while the guys shot pool. We had fun and talked our girl talk as usual. Sucks that they will be moving this weekend and not living next door anymore...But we will extend the invite to come party and hang out anytime!!!
Sunday, Ben & I grilled out (all weekend actually) and relaxed, caught up on movies we had rented, then watched the Nextel Cup Race on DVR, just spent time talking and laughing and getting a bit "smokey "eyed too. It was a great weekend of oral and sexual gratification...we haven't lost a beat in that area. I cannot say it's the absolute BEST but we are definitely getting to that point. I never experienced orgasms as powerful until recently. I am fully in control of them and concenrtrate on the entire experience. I truly love the time we share together and hope it just keeps gettin' better and better!! He is really making an effort to make me happy and work through our problems. We talk and open up so much more, he is someone who makes me feel good and I can trust him more day by day. Tomorrow is our 1st Couples Counseling session in University. I am kinda nervous but happy too. It will be good to talk it all out with the counselor and start up on issues we need to work on and re-establish our committment to one another.

Well not that much else new on the homefront in Charlotte...will keep you all posted...back to work for me for another hour..YIPEE

FYI....June 20th (next tuesday) will be our 9 yrs of being together...I cannot believe its' been soo long since we 1st met, I remember it like it was yesterday!

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 2:04 PM 0 comments

This Week Dragged and I am Glad...

IT'S FRIDAY! I have been experiencing some major delays/ issues with blogger this week & was struggling to get to my entries published!!! Anyone else going thru same thing?
My car is FINALLY fixed and it ended up costing us about $550.00 to fix it altogether. Which is retrospect isn't all that bad and it was the distributor that was bad. I am relieved it is fixed and running smoothly. I had been asking for rides from various people in office to take me home when they leave, so my schedule has been different this week.

I am looking forward to going through and packing more of Lisa's (landlord) items up so I can utilize more room in house. I feel I haven't utilized much room yet and can do a lot better organizing the house. I can tackle a lot of the work tomorrow when Ben is at work til 5 and it will be done. It is a long process getting everything you want and need done and arranged the way you want it to be. I have an idea/picture from a magazine of a shelving system on my big wall in bedroom for my statues & knick-knacks. In the picture I have of it, it looks great on a beige wall and I hope to get it done sometime soon. I also need to buy 2 curtains for my bedroom. Yea, I know I have been saying that for months now, but fund are tight but once we get somethings worked out, I can free up some cash and splurge on them! It will definitely make a difference in the room in morning especially in the summer!

Anyway, I deem it neccessary to get some additional thoughts/concerns off my chest:

• Ben's unwillingness to discuss any past problems or events that caused me hurt/sadness/feeling alone. He feels we shouldn't bring up the past now...move on!
• Our financial issues now; need to sit down & figure out what we can put away for savings & what needs to be paid NOW. We both have bills and we need to get a budget set up so we have funds available for our own personal use. I have taken on a big financial burden of paying for my place solely and with little help from Ben on the monthly rent.
• I am romanticizing about having a BABY and the need for me to kep pursuing this dream of being a mother. He wants more than anything to be a daddy and finally complete our dreams of having a child. We are not exactly "protecting" ourselves lately but I feel if it is meant ot be, it will happen...No rush either way. I see it working with Ben & I, I wouldn't go thru all of this NOT to have it all work out for both of us. I know counseling takes time and all, it is frustrating that we haven't seen anyone yet, but next Wednesday we will for the first time again.
• My relationsip with my mother has to change. She is adiment about me not going back to Ben and letting him go and I start over (again). Mom feels I do not know what Love is and I do not know what being ALONE means either. I think over the last few months, (before moving in by myself) I spent a lot of time alone and not constantly craving people or activities. Granted, I felt lonely but I didn't feel bad about it either. I accepted it and journaled a lot at night without talking to friends or online chatting all the time. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would of to begin with. My mother & I have a very "up n down" relationship. She has no problems expressing herself and saying what's on her mind. She feels if Ben cannot stay "clean" off Marijuana and not feel the need to smoke anymore, that is the only way she will accept him. Well ** News Flash** Ben doesn't do anything for YOU and he will never let anything YOU say or do affect the way our lifes are lead.
• She is a 12 hr drive away and I am grateful for that. I feel she has influenced my life enough (lately more negatively) and I feel I need to break away and DO this on my own. By her harsh, incosiderate words to me only tear me down and make me feel negatively towards Ben when I do not need to be. By my separating from her and giving my marriage time to repair & heal, MAYBE this will prove to her, I can make adult decisions and function as an adult woman should be doing. She just has nothing good to say lately, and I get more & more bothered by her comments when we speak to one another. I know she feels I can do better, but what's better to her? I feel nothing I do will ever be right in her mind and I will never be the daughter she will be 100% proud & accepting of, so why bother putting my effort into making her happy? I am not married to her nor do I see her often enough to truly take what she say whoole-heartedly. She effects me deeply when we get into it and I will not tolerate htis anymore. She has really ruined a good relationsyhip with her daughter and Mom has no one to blame but herself in this one.
• I do not rely or depend on Ben in my life. I can motivate, function, be responsible for myself without his presence. BUT I do love him with all my heart and I truly enjoy our renewed feelings toward one another. He is very important to me and my future.
• He does have a lot of growing up to do and he needs to show me his ways are changing daily & actions DO speak louder than words! I hear a lot of promises from him and can only hope he does what's necessary to move forward in our new life together.

I know this all has been mentioned before & it does weigh heavily in the back of my mind often. I feel thru dedicated counseling and working things out, this marriage will not fail. I need to feel assured Ben will not lay a hand on me, EVER AGAIN. He will not disrespect me, and bring me down whether we are alone or with friends. He needs to get honest w/ me about his finances and show me proof of what has been paid (house utilities); explain to me what happened last year when I left and what happened to the $$$. He will need to prove to me he will be a responsible and dependable husband and I will not tolerate excuses! He has no idea of the compromises and understanding we need to come to to maintain this happiness.

It is going to be high 80's today in Charlotte and I am already chilly with the A/C cranking in the office. I am just so happy I have my car and I will be able to go out to lunch today and go whereever I please if needed during the weekend. It sucked being carless all this week. We don't have plans to do much outside of the house but I imagine we will hang oout with our next door neighbors sometime this weekend and shoot pool. I was hoping if Sunday turns out sunny and hot, we can go down to the pool and get some sun during the afternoon.

Well the weekend is here and I wish I lived closer to the beach. It sucks being 3 1/2 hrs away, when I lived only 10 mins away when I lived in NJ...

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 8:24 AM 0 comments

This hasn't been the best week ever, for as long as I can remember. My car broke down Saturday morning and I have yet to get it back and running properly. Everyone at work this week has been very understanding and helpful BUT I hate not having a car at ALL. I just hope and pray I will get it back tomorrow and be able to drive it with no worries. Thankfully, Ben was able to pick me up Wednesday and cooked me a Chicken and Rice dinner. It tasted delicious!!

I am sick of who I have become and not happy with my body right now. I guess all women go thru this but I am truly aware I need to watch myself. I am trying to watch how much I eat {per meal} and start a fitness regime on a daily basis. It will be beneficial to my health and any extra weight I have gained, I can cut down dramatically in a few months. I am reading a lot about different exercises I can do daily and keep myself healthier and have more energy throughout the day. I prefer to drink water instead of soda or tea when at home and work, BUT I love to eat snacks at work during the day that has caused me some extra pounds. Granted, I am not weighing in over 120 lbs. but I prefer staying under 110lbs and keeping in better shape too. If I plan to have a child in near future, I need to get into better shape before I decided to have children.
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Anyway, I have been editing my template for this blog and it is gettng quite frustrating. I want o add more blinkies on side bar & frills but the scripts I enter into template are not taking. I guess I need to speak to someone who knows how to set it all up and all...Anyone know someone who can redesign my blog??????? It would be helpful!
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Thoughts that have been on my mind lately:

• I need to start a better fitness schedule, buy new sneakers to walk and do cardio at home.
• I need to get all bills paid asap and avoid finance charges, getting a concrete amount of $ from Ben weekly to help me out.
• Need to stay on my counseling sessions and get a therapist for couples counseling, not too sure I want to drive to University weekly or bi-weekly.
• I am really taking on a lot with the entire rent of my place and any add'l expenses throughout the month. I have been faced with some unexpected expenses and need to keep them under tabs so I can maintain my lifestyle and keep money in bank as well.
• I truly need to work out some kind of budget for myself so I don't get in the red or fall behind. I need to figure out all my expenses/bills monthly and budget better so I can stretch out my paycheck.
• Not much contribution from Ben is hurting me and WE need to sit down and figure out everything. I just hope this all can be worked out and we can actually save money and be free of financial stresses.
• I have decided to keep all conversations with Mom to a "bare" minimum and not giving her any more details to whats going on between Ben & I. She has such a big/blabby mouth and she doesn't hold back anything when we talk so I am leaving well enough alone and putting her off until I am ready to speak to her. She needs to understand I will not tolerate any disrespect and negativity in my life, especially from her! She keeps dredging up old shit and I am not willing to discuss anything with her anymore. I refuse to bow down to her, I am almost 30 yrs old and I'm a grown woman who can make her ouwn life choices. Granted my life hasn't turned out the best way they imagined, but I am doing what makes me happy and I will have no regrets in the end. She has failed me as a Mother I can trust and turn to for any advise. She is very two faced and deceiving with her sweet words and cards she mails me often. I don't feel by obeying her commands to just let Ben go on w/ his life & I find someone else. Talking with her as much as I have is getting me NOwhere. Ben & I just need to focus on US and not worry about anyone else right now. No one else is important to me except Ben and my relationship with him. No one will make me think differently or compromise my happiness EVER. I know what I want and need and I will seek that for myself.
• I may sound harsh but my feelings are hurt deeply by my Mother's actions and words. I have put up with it for so damn long and I am sick of the BS with her. My sister has mentioned she will not hold anything against me for trying to work out the marriage and will support anything I decide to do from here. I just want what's going to make us happy and will do whatever needs to make my marriage not become a failed one.
• Ben is a great guy, aside from his habits that can cause my family some tense moments. He has always worked, always took care of what we needed, is very loving and affectionate and he is reliable most of the time. He has made me the happiest woman at times and I feel we deserve to chance to make this marriage last forever. I see if we truly want to be happy and committed to one another and not allow outside interference get in the way of our progress, We will make it. It will take couples counseling and honesty about mistakes of past, but we can learn from them and mvoe forward with our lives. It is not an illusion of only mine to have this marriage work. I knew one day we would be back together but was unsure when it would happen.

Well I feel I have babbled long enough this morning. Just haven't been myself the past couple days and waiting to get out of this funk I am feeling. I mean I am not sad or anything but I feel there is definitely some unresolved issues that need to be discussed. It is always a timing thing with me and I hope I can get it all talked over soon. It is very quiet in office due to two big acquisitions we did in the last month, so people are traveling to Texas. Tonight should be a chill night for us at home, I plan to make a Homestyle bake dinner for Ben tonight with Ham & Cheese. I plan to sit down tonight and work out some things financially for myself and then get his input as well so we can start making a plan for money and bills.

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 9:41 AM 0 comments

The Weekend Ended Up Like...

Nothing I Expected...

Ok, it wasn't the greatest weekend! Friday night after work Ben & I decided to hang out with our neighbors next door. We never made it uptown but I didn't care, it was shitty outside and raining mostly so no fun if we did go! We got really tore up & shot pool all night. We always have a good time with Victoria and Bill, they are a lot of fun and they are happy we are trying to work this all out. So it was nice to hang out with another couple, who are a bit older than us.

Saturday my car broke down on the way to get Tigger groomed in Matthews. Luckily I was already parked at McD's for breakfast but got it started and got 1/2 mile away and it dies. So I left my car in parking lot near Alltel and got a cab home with Tigger in her crate... It has been one issue after another w/ the car and I only hope it will be fixed quickly & correctly. It kept stalling and dying out after we tried to accelerate the car. We even got it on 485 and up to speed and then it died again, it wasnt starting at all after that. Sunday afternoon, we finally had Dave (ben's boss) come down to tow it on his trailor to their shop. So now they are all working on the damn thing, changing out spark plugs, fuel filter and fuel pump. Hopefully this will be the fix it needed. I truly appreciate the ability to drive to & from where I need to be when I am without my car!! I needed to reschedule the cat's appt, had to spend $40 getting a cab back home and anxiously awating Ben's arrival at home so we can try to get it back over to Pineville. It was a frustrating two days to say the least.
BUT Sunday Ben & I had some good "quality" time and talked a lot (correction, I talked alot ) and just trying to get him to express his feelings or resentments to me so we can get thru all this bullshit. I am happy we are back together, it feels right forme, but I wonder if it is just because I am comfortable and not wanting to date again. I was out there and hated the dating scene, it wasn't enjoyable at all and I felt I was best suited to be with Ben afterall. He has always been someone I can "trust" and feel unconditional love with for the last 9 yrs.
More than anything, I want to prove everyone wrong and show Ben & I can be a party-free adults who are in a loving and committed marriage and we will last for yrs to come. I honestly feel we do belong together and we have so much love between the two of us--that is undeniable.
On the other hand I am not getting much "support" from my mother lately. She is something else, besides a two-faced woman. She really needs to get back on her meds and chill the f*** out! She is becoming too hostile with me and not the least bit concerned about whether this reconciliation is important and something I want! She thinks I shouldn't allow him to stay with me and give him another chance. Granted, he HASNT' moved into my place and we haven't really talked much about it. I am taking things day by day and we are slowly getting into a routine I am comfortable with. We do need to discuss the bills and factors involved w/ his moving in and all. I need all the bills he still owes money, how much he will contribute to my rent payment monthly and other expenses to take into consideration. We need to sit down and get down to the nitty gritty very soon and I hope he will be as willing as he says he will be. It is all about 100% honestly and I am willing to give as much as I can.

This week is already starting out on a sour note, the guys changed out spark plugs, fuel filter and car still wasn't running right. Sputtering and not accelerating much so they checked the fuel pump last night. They think that or the distributor can be the other factors with this problem I am currently experiencing. Damn...I seriously need to get into a more reliable car here soon...this car isn't reliable anymore and I cannot deal with being without a car for longer than a day!!!

Hope it all turns out for the best and I can get to & from where I need to be.....don't have much planned for the upcoming weekend, possibly go on Pontoon boat for Valerie's 30th birthday, up on Lake Norman. It will depend on the car situation and weather too....

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 7:33 AM 0 comments

Alive at 5 Tonight

Tonight will be the 1st night we go to Alive @ 5 in Uptown. It should be a lot of fun and something we never tried before. There should be Live music, Food and Beverages until 9 pm at the Wachovia Center. I am looking forward to seeing what it is all about and possibly meeting some friends up there as well.

I have my 11am counseling appt today with a therapist. I am definitely looking forward to talking to someone and can really deal with my issues. I have been holding a lot back with Ben and I feel once they are out in open, things will feel better and be less tension between us. He keeps saying he does not want to talk about our past history and that worries me. If he doesn't want to talk about our problems then how are we supposed to move forward? I am slightly concerned but his willingness to attend counseling sessions is a good step in right direction for us. We also have a couples session on June 14th with a female Reverand at a Unity Church (non-demoninational). Hopefully we will be comfortable with her and continue session on a bi-weeky basis.

ANyways we do not have any plans for this weekend, as of yet. My friend Jeff invited us to come to his pool/cookout party on Sunday, so I think we may stop over there for a while. Other than Tigger getting groomed, that is our big weekend ahead. I am relieved so we get to do things around the house and do stuff we didn't get to do last week. I am sure glad its been a short week and I only hope this day goes quickly. We are grilling steaks tonight and I am making some tasty side dishes...yummy dinner!! :0) We usually don't have it planned out but today is different. We ordered some delicious chinese food last night, which knocked us out before 10pm. I woke u0p at 12am to shut off TV and light in bedroom...I hate falling asleep too early or when in middle of a show we were watching...

Well I will catch up later...gotta run

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 8:16 AM 0 comments