Things are Tough but...
Well things are going well, I cant complain. I have plans for David to come up tonight & spend the night because I don't like him drinking & driving. He is super sweet and someone I work with but we get along really well and yes, he is great in bed. I don't know what we have planned so I guess we will play it by ear.Lately, I have taken time out at night & tried over & over to re-think about mistakes I have made with Matt and Ben. I honestly need to keep my head straight and figure out what is making my relationships I have fall apart so hard and quickly. Maybe it is cause I decide to sleep with these men so soon and I don't hold back, or I am so sexually aggressive, or just know exactly what I want in bed but not in life in general. I am quite confused and hoping to figure out more as each day passes. I am journaling a lot and now blogging here so maybe thru all of this I can figure out more on me and my goals for future. By the way, since I don't smoke up not nearly as often and now with a clearer mind, I am focusing on what makes me happy and where I want my life to head in the next couple of years. Although, I hate feeling so lonely but as weekend rolls around, the emptiness clears and happiness moves in. It is my time to let loose and live life, drinking and hanging with friends. I have definitely become quite a drinker in last 3 months I have been in the house. I am becoming a social drinker but I don't drink to get drunk or meet men to take home, don't get me wrong. I drink to loosen up and be more myself. I tend to be more open and honest when I have a few drinks and it make me feel more confident as well . Is there something wrong with that?
I hate the fact I am not stable in my work or personal life, this year has surely has changed a lot about me, how I look at things and how I view what is important to me. Since leaving Ben, I have become more open to speaking my mind, going after what I want, and being independent to some degree. Wishing only better things to come in the near future....
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Nov. 6th
Well it is Sunday night and the weekend was a blast, I had my fun and things definitely went as expected. I am, convinced I will see Tim (yahoo) & see a lot more of each other on the weekends. I have to admit, the distance thing will be a great thing for us, it doesn't leave me an opportunity to get too "clingy" as Matt had called it and I won't be up in Tim's business every waking minute. Having someone special in my life who is a distance away will be new for me, but I think it will definitely make "us" more cherished and appreciated when we do see one another on the weekends. He is truly a real gentleman and respectable. Someone I won't mind bringing home to parents, even though that won't happen in the near future, since they are back in NJ.
I am so glad our Panthers won again this week, its been a hell of season so far and we could go to playoffs if they keep it up. Nascar season is down to 2 last races...
posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 3:40 PM
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