What A Week..TGIF!!
Today I am feeling much better and more grounded than I did yesterday. I made an appt with my therapist last night after work & she helped me work through a lot of the emotions and feelings I have been dealing w/ since Wednesday night. I cried and talked a lot about my expectations for my broken marriage and most importantly what I need for MYSELF. I have learned thru therapy that I am still dealing with all the emotional trauma I have experienced since I was in grade school. I know I am still hiding behiond a wall and shutting down inside and not allowing my "true"- self to come out. I am still worried about what other people may say about me & my husband and I need to face a lot of my underlying issues within myself. I felt like a different person walking out of her office and I decided I will no longer be a mother or a care-giver to Ben anymore. He is a grown adult and I can ONLY be his wife (if this marriage lasts). I am still working on the hurt and sadness I have been feeling the last few days and know time apart will be the best thing. He won't be staying with me this weekend and I feel I need time to think things through and be alone....I have associated being ALONE with feeling LONELY. Big difference! Alone doesn't mean being lonely. I feel being alone is when you no longer have a emotional need or attachment to a significant other and being able to live, cope and function all by myself. It is when you no longer feeling "needy". I have realized I have been co-depenedent in many ways with my marriage and Ben has been with me. That is a never-ending cycle leading to a bigger diaster! I know I can live alone, but I honestly dont enjoy it at all. I feel a desire to always want to be surrounded with people (whomever I choose). I like having company and spending time wiht friends. Does that mean I cannot be alone? No, I had spent a lot of time alone when I lived in matthews with Tiffany & Marja for a few months. I chose to stay home and read and journal more often than going out all the time in the beginning of my move-in. I know time alone is neccessary as an adult, it gives you time to work out things going on inside and in your life, without any other involvement except your own. I needed that, I wanted to find myself and to this day, I still am finding more out about ME.
I love myself enough to make choices in my life, whether I want to or not. I know if Ben & I can both remain "clean & sober", this is going to give us the solid foundation we need in our marriage. I love him with all my heart and he has been a "rock" for me over the last 9 yrs we been together.
Anyway, tonight we will be attending an NA meeting and getting the ball rolling and I know if he is true about how he feels and he truly wants this for himself, how can I fault him??
"HAPPY FATHER'S DAY "TO ALL OF THE DADDY'S OUT THERE... KISSES
posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 10:04 AM
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