MyWorldAsIChoose2LiveIt

Ok..OK...

Today started out like everyday I have to go to work, but the only change is that I no longer have a friendship with my friend of 6 1/2 yrs, ROBIN. I am deeply hurt and disappointed in how things had gotten so out of control {once again, long story} & I am feeling a loss in my life. Granted there have been plenty of times I wanted to take a break from all her damn drama...BUT I never faultered as a friend and always stayed true to her. Honestly, I am relieved I will not have to listen to her constant negativity towards Ben's lifestyle and ways, her informing me on how much partying she has done on the weekends and then on top it, being as ill as she has been in the last 2 yrs and listening to her complain and go on & on over how sick she is!!! I mean come on, LOOK at the big picture!! Her lifestyle of constant drinking & occasional partying has definitely taken a toll on her body & maybe she really needs a serious wake-the-fuck-up call! So as of Monday afternoon we have ended our friendship because of differences in our lifestyles and views on what I need to be doing w/ my marriage and life. I was emotional and sad yesterday but I am getting over it today and feeling much better. I know by making this choice, I will be the better person for it. Thankfully, I have a great therapist who will help me work thru a lot of issues within myself so I can be a better woma, friend and wife to my husband.

Moving along....things are wonderful with Ben & I even though I have become a raging bitch at times for NO reason. I seriously cannot figure out what sets me off to the point of jumping all over him but he takes it better than expected and calmly talks it out with me... These are things I knew about him prior to being married, but nowdays Drive Me Nuts!! Granted 9 yrs together it grows on you but lately it hasn't been the case.
A 4 day weekend is ahead for me & I know Ben is looking forward to having some time off in between the 4th. Just spending time together, chilling at the pool & partying at D & L's for the 4th. Ben plans to do a nice show of fireworks as usual and it will be a nice day as I see it. I truly feel everyone accepts me even after everything we been thru in the last year. It has been a tough yr and we are truly grateful for the time we are spending together rebuilding a lot of what was lost a yr ago.

Another thing weighing down my mind lately is how much Ben is changing and how different I am as his wife and lover. Our relationship has changed in the past few months and it is a good thing! We communicate and are open to new ideas on dealing with conflicts and problems. I feel I can trust him to some degree but I don't know if the situation presented itself, if he would hold back from me at any given time. The situation I am talking about refers to either cheating on me or using the hard core drugs again. I know he "used" when things were OK with us and when things got VERY bad within our marriage. I just hope he can learn some coping skills instead of running to a place I don't ever want to be again with him. I love him with all my heart n' soul...he is my future and I feel we will one day be blessed with a child of our own. It has been such a big area for us to talk about and all; he feels we should try now and see what happens. I feel we should wait for a yr and make sure this will be something we can both follow through with. BUT when I got pregnant 2 yrs ago and miscarried, we tried for 6 months following and did not get pregnant. Maybe time wasn't on our side but I cannot see myself being a MOM right now, even though I would love being a Mom. It isn't financially or emotionally feasible right now. Both of us have a lot to work on and HE has ALOT of things to prove to me, due to his lack of responsibility in the last yr. We have been thru the ringer with our marriage but I feel it has only made us stronger and more focused/motivated to make big changes.

I apoligize for the slight rant...I cannot wait to see my therapist this Friday at lunch...I have quite a bit to go over w/ her since we last met last Tuesday. I am happy I found someone I am comfortable with and can work through a lot of traumatic things of my childhood and past relationships.

Well it is about time to head out for the night..We are heading to the pool afterwork and grill Bubba Burgers tonight..YIPEEE.....plan to cath up on some "romancing" as well...He deserves it for making BIG changes in past few weeks.

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 4:01 PM