MyWorldAsIChoose2LiveIt

This Week Dragged and I am Glad...

IT'S FRIDAY! I have been experiencing some major delays/ issues with blogger this week & was struggling to get to my entries published!!! Anyone else going thru same thing?
My car is FINALLY fixed and it ended up costing us about $550.00 to fix it altogether. Which is retrospect isn't all that bad and it was the distributor that was bad. I am relieved it is fixed and running smoothly. I had been asking for rides from various people in office to take me home when they leave, so my schedule has been different this week.

I am looking forward to going through and packing more of Lisa's (landlord) items up so I can utilize more room in house. I feel I haven't utilized much room yet and can do a lot better organizing the house. I can tackle a lot of the work tomorrow when Ben is at work til 5 and it will be done. It is a long process getting everything you want and need done and arranged the way you want it to be. I have an idea/picture from a magazine of a shelving system on my big wall in bedroom for my statues & knick-knacks. In the picture I have of it, it looks great on a beige wall and I hope to get it done sometime soon. I also need to buy 2 curtains for my bedroom. Yea, I know I have been saying that for months now, but fund are tight but once we get somethings worked out, I can free up some cash and splurge on them! It will definitely make a difference in the room in morning especially in the summer!

Anyway, I deem it neccessary to get some additional thoughts/concerns off my chest:

• Ben's unwillingness to discuss any past problems or events that caused me hurt/sadness/feeling alone. He feels we shouldn't bring up the past now...move on!
• Our financial issues now; need to sit down & figure out what we can put away for savings & what needs to be paid NOW. We both have bills and we need to get a budget set up so we have funds available for our own personal use. I have taken on a big financial burden of paying for my place solely and with little help from Ben on the monthly rent.
• I am romanticizing about having a BABY and the need for me to kep pursuing this dream of being a mother. He wants more than anything to be a daddy and finally complete our dreams of having a child. We are not exactly "protecting" ourselves lately but I feel if it is meant ot be, it will happen...No rush either way. I see it working with Ben & I, I wouldn't go thru all of this NOT to have it all work out for both of us. I know counseling takes time and all, it is frustrating that we haven't seen anyone yet, but next Wednesday we will for the first time again.
• My relationsip with my mother has to change. She is adiment about me not going back to Ben and letting him go and I start over (again). Mom feels I do not know what Love is and I do not know what being ALONE means either. I think over the last few months, (before moving in by myself) I spent a lot of time alone and not constantly craving people or activities. Granted, I felt lonely but I didn't feel bad about it either. I accepted it and journaled a lot at night without talking to friends or online chatting all the time. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would of to begin with. My mother & I have a very "up n down" relationship. She has no problems expressing herself and saying what's on her mind. She feels if Ben cannot stay "clean" off Marijuana and not feel the need to smoke anymore, that is the only way she will accept him. Well ** News Flash** Ben doesn't do anything for YOU and he will never let anything YOU say or do affect the way our lifes are lead.
• She is a 12 hr drive away and I am grateful for that. I feel she has influenced my life enough (lately more negatively) and I feel I need to break away and DO this on my own. By her harsh, incosiderate words to me only tear me down and make me feel negatively towards Ben when I do not need to be. By my separating from her and giving my marriage time to repair & heal, MAYBE this will prove to her, I can make adult decisions and function as an adult woman should be doing. She just has nothing good to say lately, and I get more & more bothered by her comments when we speak to one another. I know she feels I can do better, but what's better to her? I feel nothing I do will ever be right in her mind and I will never be the daughter she will be 100% proud & accepting of, so why bother putting my effort into making her happy? I am not married to her nor do I see her often enough to truly take what she say whoole-heartedly. She effects me deeply when we get into it and I will not tolerate htis anymore. She has really ruined a good relationsyhip with her daughter and Mom has no one to blame but herself in this one.
• I do not rely or depend on Ben in my life. I can motivate, function, be responsible for myself without his presence. BUT I do love him with all my heart and I truly enjoy our renewed feelings toward one another. He is very important to me and my future.
• He does have a lot of growing up to do and he needs to show me his ways are changing daily & actions DO speak louder than words! I hear a lot of promises from him and can only hope he does what's necessary to move forward in our new life together.

I know this all has been mentioned before & it does weigh heavily in the back of my mind often. I feel thru dedicated counseling and working things out, this marriage will not fail. I need to feel assured Ben will not lay a hand on me, EVER AGAIN. He will not disrespect me, and bring me down whether we are alone or with friends. He needs to get honest w/ me about his finances and show me proof of what has been paid (house utilities); explain to me what happened last year when I left and what happened to the $$$. He will need to prove to me he will be a responsible and dependable husband and I will not tolerate excuses! He has no idea of the compromises and understanding we need to come to to maintain this happiness.

It is going to be high 80's today in Charlotte and I am already chilly with the A/C cranking in the office. I am just so happy I have my car and I will be able to go out to lunch today and go whereever I please if needed during the weekend. It sucked being carless all this week. We don't have plans to do much outside of the house but I imagine we will hang oout with our next door neighbors sometime this weekend and shoot pool. I was hoping if Sunday turns out sunny and hot, we can go down to the pool and get some sun during the afternoon.

Well the weekend is here and I wish I lived closer to the beach. It sucks being 3 1/2 hrs away, when I lived only 10 mins away when I lived in NJ...

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 8:24 AM