MyWorldAsIChoose2LiveIt

Life...Goes on...

Sorry it has been a few days since I last posted but my life is busy and full of excitement. My weekend was perfect, all thanks to being with Ben and we attended yet another Nextel All-Star Challenge at LMS. Friday was relaxing, we vegged out mostly after work, ate dinner (forget what we ate though) & fell asleep early.

Saturday was a chill day for me, Ben went off to work and I stayed home and cleaned, did laundry and watched some movies I been wanting to check out. He arrived home by 4:30 & we chilled out a bit. He got changed and we drove up to LMS for race that night. It was on & off rain showers up there and we spent an hour looking for a parking spot. Cost us $20 to park and we had to walk over 2.5 miles to get to our gate. GEEZ....nothing like a brisk walk in the rain!! It was a great night, Dave & Lori & their family were there sitting behind us. I had a couple Marquritas and Cheeseburger for dinner. The race was good, rain delayed for about a 1/2 hr and then they were back on track and it was exciting. We sat in turn 4 and it was one of the best times I had..all spin outs happened near us and we had a clear view of the track the whole night. Jimmy Johnson #48 won the 1 million $$ prize! It was disappointing to see #88 (DJ) race the laps and not even get a top 5 finish..SUCKS!!! Such is life. We left track damn near 12:15 am and didn't walk in the door til 2am! Traffic was not bad at all, just usual delays in getting out of parking area, but coasted all the way home once we got on 77. We both passed out soon after.

Sunday...we did sleep in 'til almost 11am. We were feeling rough from the night before, body was sore and kinda exhausted. I felt like doing a whole lot of NOTHING and that is exactly what we did! We hung out in my bed all day, watching TV and movies and talking and laughing & napping. It was a much warmer day & the sun was out, but we were totally exhausted. Kinda feel bad I let such a nice day pass us by, but I knew there will be more to enjoy. We cooked out Bubba Burgers @ night and watched some of our shows and passed out by 10pm again...No regrets...

As you all know, Ben has been staying at my house for a while now and just feel it would be best if he does officially moves into my place and we can start this process all over. I feel this time HONESTY will be a 1st priority and eliminating the need to do drugs the whole time we spend together. It is only greenies at this time, but eventually it will have to come to an end andtime to get Ben clean and able to bear daily tasks. I know it will be a hard time for him btu it will be worth it in the long run. I feel by getting to know one another again, develop a deeper connection than before will be crucial. He & I share so much love and have hopes for a good life together, I don't see us being apart anymore. It would of been a perfect situation if we didn't have to go thru what we did this last yr, but I think it gave me of an idea who I was, what I want from Life and enforced how much I truly love my husband. I feel ashamed of the way I behaved last yr, I was carefree and enjoying living without him in my life, I know it hurt his feelings that I had moved on with my life without him, but today I want him in my life permanently. I made mistakes in our marriage and feel it is as MUST to make good on them. He has made many mistakes and we can only grow & learn from them all. I was so blind to see what he wanted and how he felt about me. I didn't behave as a wife should of and I denied him any form of love & affection from the moment I walked out the door, March 2005. I thought so many bad things of him, thought he cheated on me after the miscarriage--he didn't. He swears up and down it did not happen and I feel he is telling me the truth. He knows how important Marriage is to me and we don't want to be another statistic. Studies show 50% of marriages end in divorce within the first 5 yrs; NOT US!!! We are willing to do what it takes to make it work and move forward and be true to one another.

Spoke w/Lisa, my landlord, Monday via e-mail...we never met in person as of today. It is kinda weird, I pay her mortage by living in her home AND have not met her face to face. Anyway, we discussed the probability of Ben moving in soon (by end of June) and she suggested renting it to me outright, meaning what? I am guessing by her stating she would move all her belongings out of the house that means we will have the place all to ourselves. She would no longer keep a bedroom for herself, remove all her effects and we will be free n clear of having any intrusion. That would definitely be a bonus for both of us. Meaning we will not have to worry about her coming to stay for a weekend. Besides, we are not financially ready to move into another house; living here is ideal..no grounds upkeep, house is in good shape and we have enough room for a guest room & 1/2 office & hobby room. We can move some of our own belongings into the house to make even more "homey" for us and we can dive into some decor/upkeep work. In the future, we can have the room for a nursery when the time is right! I can see it now, a yr or two down the road...a baby to plan for and prepare a room for..OOOOHHH I dream of those days, my time is coming closer!! Besides, having this place for us will give us more leway do as we need to w/the place and make it more of our own too. I have ideas we need to get into motion so we don't lose the focus. Granted it is $1,000 a month to live there but it is well worth it since we work soo close and we like the neighborhood. We both are gainfully employed, make decent $$ and if we get everything inline with our finances, we should be smooth sailing. It is quiet, secure, laid back except for home owners association, but who gives a shit? We don't! I am pretty excited about everything & once he moves in and see what financial situation we are dealing with then we can move forward and do our own thing.

I am still weary a little about how this will all turn out. It has been a while since we lived together and it doesn't feel as if we were apart at all. There is a lot to still work on and get counseling and I am not being naive to believe it will all be fixed right away but I think we have a great start to something wonderful. I feel we will get thru this and it is just one road bump we will get over and move on from... We will celebrate our 5 Yr Wedding Anniversary this September. I want to plan something very intimate and romantic for the weekend. I want to get away and have time to be together and be away from Charlotte. I am just happy, wishing we could spend more time together during the day/weekends....

This week is dragging AND it is only Tuesday. We have plans to go out tonight to see a WNBA Charlotte Sting game at Bobcats Arena. It should be fun, sitting in box seats for the 2nd game of season. I am looking forward to seeing the game tonight, if it sucks, we can will leave and go right home. The fact is I didn't pay for them but it should be fun since I never been to one of the WNBA games here.

Thursday is a big day for my sister. She is happily graduating from Ocean County College with a Business degree and heading to Georgian Court College to finish her Business Mgmt degree. I am truly proud of her and how much she has accomplished in the last 4 yrs since Anjaneya was born. She has definitely come a long way from graduating HS...She is a sparkle in my eyes this week!

Memorial Day Weekend is ahead of us and since I bailed on having my Memorial Day BBQ this Sunday (low funds to shell out lots of $$$) Valerie & Kelly invited us to join them & friends on Lake Wylie for the afternoon to BBQ, swim and chill out... Just enjoy the beautiful day with friends. And then we all have off on Monday, which I do hope we can get some things done aroudn the house and maybe do some shopping at Home Depot for my shelving system I want for Master bedroom...

All together, Life is good...anxious for the upcoming weekend and PAYDAY...
Catch ya'll later ...

posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 10:40 AM