Wish Washy Wednesday....
You are being forwarned, this is gonna be a LONG entry today...(but i need to vent again)Well I am going to be honest, I have been spending a lot of time with Ben (my soon to be Ex) and it has only become more of a problem for both of us. He is refusing to let me go and move on with our life, separately. Granted, he doesn't have many friends he can spend time with and I take on the baggage of feeling bad for him. We had a big blow-out last night on the phone and have not heard anything from him since then. I am always concerned for his "well-being". It is only natural to still feel things for him, just not the "wife" way I used to, right? How can I spend almost 8 1/2 yrs with one man and stay loyal then shut off the feelings & emotional attachment I had? It is very hard! I guess, until recently, I have not realized how much "damage" I have caused by giving Ben the opportunity to be part of my life, since we have been separated. Last yr, when I was living with Matt, I didn't care or think about Ben as I do now. By this, I mean have concern for and hope he is doing ok for himself. I have stopped loving him and just feel there is no way to repair this marriage and we both need to move on. {Since I met Ron, I would much rather spend more time with him and grow to learn more about him and see if we can turn this friendship into something more}. Ben is very rugged, always stressed out & tense, blue collar and just seems to NOT care much for his appearance or health. By his constant smoking, "Elvis" & unhealthy eating habits, he is destined not to have a healthy future. He cared about his appearance when we first dated but once we got married, he went downhill. It sucks for him cause he will never be able to appeal to another woman the way he did when we first met..
I feel sorry for Ben; his parents have disowned him (for many reasons), he doesn't have much going for him (shitty job, no money, stability) and he lost the beautiful house we had together. It had been forclosed on in January and he was evicted in February. That was one of the hardest thngs I had to go thru with him. He has never fessed up to how all the money we had less than 2 yrs ago vanished in less that 4-5 months and he didn't pay anything on the house with the $$ so, I can only imagine where it went during that time. I have my assumptions but with no denial or explanations, I only think the worst.
So, here we are, going on 1 yr since I filed for separation, and I am ready to file for divorce. He is not wanting to give up on our marriage and he begs me any chance he gets to give him one last big effort to make it work. Why should I trust him or feel I should even give him another chance? He had 8 yrs to make big changes and refused to do so. I guess since I actually left him ad no longer live with him , he finally got the idea that I was seriosu and won't go back. Everytime I consider going back, I feel sick. He is not the man I want to have afamily, grow old and live happily ever after with. He even puchased the Dr. Phil "Love Smart" book but what is the point on trying to work on something I do not want anymore (our marriage)?? How can I do that when I truly feel he is not the man I love, adore and respect?? Does this make me a horrible woman? Am I ever going to meet someone who feels the same about love and faithfulness, and knows I should be treated better as well? My vows to him have dimished over the last year and I feel no love for him. He is different, in so many ways and not all good ones. He has always had a violent temper, been a big pot head and just very lazy in everything in life. He never was spontaneous, was always negative, never took control of responsibilities and was not easy to talk to. You may ask, Why did you marry him? Well it was apparently for all the wrong reasons. I thought it was the next step in our relationship and if we didnt get married, I was going to leave for good. So we got married, planned a big wedding in NJ and so it went. It was a beautiful day and I have no regrets. I did it for love or so I thought, but things changed and the connection we may have had in the beginning was long gone. We were never in sync after the 1st yr of marriage & things progressively got worse. Then we bought a house, thinking this was going to be a wake-up call for him and once again, it got worse. He really started partying harder and doing other things I don't care to mention on here. He did pay the bills as agreed but his emotional attachment lacked more & more. We fought often about money, sex and having a family. When we decided to start trying for a baby, I went off the pill and got pregnant very quick, which was very weird. I honestly knew it was not our best decison to make but we attempted to make it work. I had stopped all the partying before we decided to have children and he chose not to stop it at all. If anything it got worse but who would I tell? He was always justifying his usage and all and saying he didn't have a problem...Yea Right! So I asked him to stop and he freaked out so he hide it from me after that. I was about 11 weeks pregnant when I miscarried. Granted not too far along but enough for me to start feeling changes in my body and be caught up in the "mommy mode"! I knew something was wrong when I was bleeding heavily and called the Dr who told me to meet her at the hospital for an Ultrasound. Ben was so hung over/in a coma state when I told him I needed to go to hospital, he rolled over and remained asleeep. I drove myself. I called a good friend of mine to meet me there and she stayed with me until I found out I was/had miscarrying. I was soo much hoping I wasn't but something inside of me knew it was happening. I was told I could have a D&C that day but had to wait for Dr to arrive to do the procedure, so I agreed to wait. So my friend & in-laws made every attempt to get in touch with Ben but couldn't. Finally my in-laws went over to the house and knocked on the bedroom window to wake him & tell him what was happening. Don't know what the hell was going thru anyone's mind, but why didn't anyone give him shit for not being with me...?? WTF, Am I not worth getting up and taking care of, if I was losing OUR baby?? Doesn't our love and committment to one another mean anything? I didn't see it that way at that point. So I had the procedure and all I remember is waking up in recovery room with Ben crying and his parents standing there. Talk about awkward and fucked up all at once!! Since that weekend, I never looked or felt the same about him ever again. I took a week to recover and worked thur somethings following the misacrriage and started back at life once again. Granted we tried for months for another baby after the miscarriage to get pregnant, but failed attempts everytime. They he experienced some ED issues and I just gave up. He was partying and not giving a shit about himself, he didn't care to get himself checked out and all either. So by the Dec 2004, I knew things had to change, and I voiced my thoughts and feelings about him & told him if things didnt change, I was leaving. He didnt't believe me and now here we are, separated and he is unhappy and wondering why.
I am just beside myself with confusion. I truly feel I cannot be with Ben any longer in a marriage, but we can be friends, but NOT now. He feels and loves me too much right now for us to see one another frequently. It is unfair to keep him around just so I can get a free meal or get my car fixed or whatever I need. He hasn't turned off his feelings for me, like I have. It was my choice to leave him and move on with my life, and I did for sometime live without him being in my life, but lately it hasn't been that way. He is always calling and wanting to stop by and etc...Spend time with me and show me how he has changed but anythng he has done has NOT changed the way I feel about him and our broken marriage. Dr. Phill CANNOT fix this one, if I am not wanting to particpate in reconciling!! There is nothing left for us to work on, have cut him off emotionally, sexually and physically. I just hope and pray he will be considerate of my choice and leave well enough alone and not cause more drama and problems for me.
Time will be the only factor right now, I will file for divorce when I am able to afford it this month. I am a bit strapped until the next paycheck so it will happen then. I just need to stay focused on what I need to do and keep with it. I have support from friends and family and I am happier without him and feel I can move on completely when we are divorced.
Well tonight Ron is cooking dinner for us and we will be hanging out . I hope we get some more one on one time to talk more & enjoy each other's company. I am grateful there are no expectations and we can take things slow and not rush into it.
Well off for the rest of night...catch ya up soon enough, as things progress!!
posted by MyLifeAsIChoose2LiveIt @ 2:55 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home